TW: Mentions of depression and suicide. 

As I’ve said in my last few posts, this year has been a mess. A really horrible mess. My mental health has been so bad, which has affected my mood, my concentration, my engagement with the world, and so on. In regards to this post, it’s meant different things at different times: there were periods where I wanted to get lost in new worlds and then there were periods where I couldn’t handle anything new and rewatched old favourites over and over. I haven’t mentioned the rewatches – I’ve written about many of them in previous posts – but they were a much needed reprieve. Escaping into these worlds, old and new and has been one of the few relaxing, comforting parts of this year and, for that, I’m very grateful.

I’m just gonna say this here: SPOILER ALERT! In the writing of all of these things, I’m sure I will have mentioned important things that could potentially ruin a first experience of them. So please be careful when reading and, as always with these posts, please feel free to skim or dip in and out at your leisure; I know it’s long. Hopefully there will be something that you walk away thinking “oh, I want to read/watch that…”

BOOKS

I actually read more this year than I have in the last couple of years – on average – but nothing’s really stuck with me; to a certain extent, I feel like everything’s just bouncing off me. It’s been hard to engage. So I’ve read a lot more than is on this list but it’s like they haven’t really made me feel much, like I haven’t had the energy to have feelings about what I’ve read. There were a few I wanted to mention though.

The Comfort Book by Matt Haig – I know I struggled with Reasons To Stay Alive but there was a lot of hype around that book and I did quite like Matt Haig’s style of writing so I wanted to give his books another shot. But I struggled with this one too. There were parts I liked and I still like the way he articulates certain things. I think possibly my favourite example was “I felt like a walking signifier, signifying a person I could never quite be. There was a gap between what I looked like and what I felt like. And the only way to bridge that gap was by talking and writing about what was going on inside me… Once we take our personal unseen experiences and make them seen, we help others, and even ourselves, to understand what we are going through. What we say aloud can never quite capture what we feel inside, but that is almost the point. Words don’t capture, they release.” There were sections that I did relate to. But, for the most part, I found the ideas oversimplified and vague, which irritated me; I just felt like he made the world sound gentler than it is, like the universe is rooting for you, like there is always a positive to be found. It just felt naïve and removed from real life. There were even some parts that infuriated me. In Burn, where he talks about being told not waiting in pain and what a great lesson that was, I just wanted to scream: “I didn’t fucking wait. It’s just that no one fucking listened. No one fucking cared.” Sections like that felt like a slap in the face, given my experiences in life, given some of the things I’ve struggled with. With sections like that, it was hard to like the book. Some of his writing does do justice to the complexity of life and the universe and some of it makes the world sound so simple, when it just isn’t. I think I’m going to give up on his non-fiction books but I might still give his fiction books a go. I’ve heard good things about The Midnight Library but if I don’t like that either then I think I’ll just have to stop trying because I just end up very upset.

Same Time Next Week (An Anthology Edited by Lee Gutkind) – I first read one of the essays from this book (Came Down A Person by Ella Wilson) a few years ago and it’s stayed with me, so much so that I felt compelled to read the whole book. None of them affected me as much as that original essay (there were a lot of personal parallels so I can understand why that one would resonate with me so much) but I found almost all of them to be moving to at least some degree. I found it very comforting to be ‘amongst’ people who have also felt abandoned or traumatised by the mental health system although it threw up a lot of emotions for me, about my own experiences and my feelings about them. It was a lot; it was an emotional read. But I think there’s a lot to be learned from it and from the experiences of people who have been failed by the healthcare system because it can be better. I have to believe that it can. It was hard though, reading about people who (for the most part) have recovered when I still feel very lost in the thick of it all.

Searching for the Truth by Maranda Russell – I discovered Maranda Russell’s poetry last year and just fell in love with it so I had to read more. I just really love her writing style; it manages to be emotive and thoughtful without being flowery. My favourites were ‘Poetry is Dead,’ ‘Cynical,’ ‘Life & Death,’ ‘I Was Made This Way for a Reason,’ and ‘Schrodinger’s Cat.’ And even in the poems that I wouldn’t choose as favourites, the poetic style still feels strong and have some beautiful lines in them.

Crybaby by Caitlyn Siehl – I love Caitlyn Siehl. I loved What We Buried so I was really looking forward to reading this one (yes, I know it came out a while ago but there’s been a lot going on). I love the way she writes: the language she uses, the images and references she returns to, the flow of her words. There are so many poems that I just loved and/or found very striking, like ‘Golden,’ ‘Apple Pie Life,’ ‘Quiet Death,’ ‘Achilles To Patroclus,’ ‘Fear,’ ‘Wash,’ ‘Ajar,’ ‘Pink,’ ‘Fire,’ ‘Club Boys,’ ‘Forgotten,’ ‘Scrub,’ ‘It Ends Or It Doesn’t,’ ‘Handy Guide To Navigating The Fantasy,’ ‘Burning,’ and ‘Loveless.’ There are so many lines that I just found so beautiful, so tender, so harrowing, so fierce, both in the poems I mentioned and in many of the others. There are also illustrations and little pieces of writing, which are also really beautiful and powerful. What We Buried might be my favourite by a little but I think that’s just because it was this total immersion into a new world of beautiful writing that enchanted me but this is definitely a worthy follow up to that experience.

I’m currently reading The Good Place and Philosophy, a book about the philosophy that is discussed in the TV show, The Good Place. My friend gave it to me for Christmas; he introduced me to the show (and we then watched the later seasons together) and we both really love it. I haven’t read much of it yet but I’m enjoying it so far.

Interestingly, the books that I’ve found it easiest to read this year haven’t been novels but books broken up into sections, like poetry or essays. My concentration has been awful this year – whether that’s due to my depression or my ADHD – and clearly that’s made reading a more difficult task than in previous years.

FILMS

The Protégé – If Maggie Q is in something, chances are I will be watching it. I love her and have loved her ever since I first saw her in Nikita and then Stalker. The basic synopsis is that, having been raised from childhood to be the perfect assassin by her mentor and veteran assassin, Moody (played by Samuel L. Jackson), Anna commits her life to revenge after her mentor is murdered. As always, Maggie Q is fantastic – poised and controlled but emotive, and fantastic during the action sequences (the stunts were awesome) – but the plot left something to be desired: there were a lot of different storylines going on at once (the central assassination attempt, the mentor-protégé relationship, her childhood trauma, the idea of a hitman clearing their conscience, and more) and although all of them were interesting, the amount of them meant that none of them got to be explored particularly deeply; after a while, everything turned out to have a twist, which got a bit predictable and tedious; and I did not understand the Michael Keaton character or his motives and the moment where his and Maggie Q’s characters randomly slept together felt very contrived. As one review wrote, “Maggie Q’s still waiting for the action movie that really deserves her” and I agree; I don’t think this was a bad film but it could’ve been better. She is a fantastic actress and I look forward to whatever she works on next.

Captain Marvel – It took me a long time but I finally got around to watching Captain Marvel! Maybe because I haven’t kept completely up to date with the Marvel Cinematic Universe (I mean, Agents of Shield is the love of my life but I find the wider universe overwhelming and sometimes a bit boring), I found the plot pretty difficult to follow for at least the first third of the film; I really had no idea what was going on. But once I figured out what was happening, I really enjoyed it (despite the fact that a fair amount of it had been spoiled for me by social media and Agents of Shield to an extent – I mean, the Kree being the good guys?! Pfft). I liked Carol and her sense of humour totally clicked with mine (asking Fury for a random story about himself – that he can’t eat diagonal toast – was hilarious and became a running joke in my house for a while) and I really liked the chemistry between her and Fury (not in the romantic sense, just in how well they got along). I loved that we finally find out what happened to Fury’s eye and that, basically from the moment it happened, he’s lying to people about it and being mysterious. And I thought it was very cool to see what sparked the beginning of the Avengers. I was almost hysterical with joy to see Coulson again; I squealed every time he appeared on screen. I’ve missed him since the end of Agents of Shield. Also, having seen WandaVision last year, it was nice to have the holes in the Maria and Monica Rambeau story filled in. And I loved the cat called Goose. On the whole, I thought it looked great too. I loved the super sci-fi Kree city (although, has it not been established that having an AI leader never ends well by now?!) and how beautifully detailed it was; I also really loved how they portrayed only half-remembered memories, fading in and out; and I loved the way her powers manifested, curling around her fingers like magic or smoke. Having said that, I did have serious questions about her suit. I wasn’t convinced by the CGI work when she powered up and the way it turned her hair into a mohawk made her look completely ridiculous. I also couldn’t figure out how, to begin with, she needed her helmet to breathe in space but, by the end, she didn’t seem to need it.

Before I Fall – Popular girl Sam wakes up the morning after she dies in a car accident only to relive her last day over and over. What could have been a complete cliché is instead a well paced (something that’s always difficult when there’s a time loop involved), engaging, and emotive story as Sam tries to change the course of events, to figure out what is happening to her and why, whether it means she’s a bad person, whether that’s something that’s too late to change. I thought, going in, that it would be fine, an easy way to pass the time, but I found it moving and thought-provoking. I first saw Zoey Deutch in Ringer back in 2011 and thought she was great then and watching this, it’s clear that she’s both grown and developed as an actress. It’s an emotive and emotionally complex film so I’m not sure it’s one I’d revisit often but I thought it was really good and I’m glad I gave it a chance.

Red Notice – I really enjoyed this film. I love cold openings; all of the stunts looked like so much fun; I loved the humour, especially from the Ryan Reynolds character; and I loved the way the story played out, surprising me a lot more than I expected. And I found it hilarious that literally everyone had daddy issues (I mean, relatable). I particularly enjoyed the climax of the film, apart from the Ed Sheeran cameo; that just felt unnecessary and sort of fourth-wall-breaking. The only thing for me is that I’m not sure Dwayne Johnson will ever convince me that he’s an FBI agent; it just felt unbelievable, right from the very beginning of the film.

The Lost City – Having seen the trailer and found it hilarious, I was really looking forward to this film and I did, for the most part, enjoy it. Author Loretta Sage (Sandra Bullock) and her cover model, Alan (Channing Tatum), find themselves in the middle of an adventure very similar to those Loretta writes about. It’s more than a little silly but it doesn’t take itself too seriously and it’s good fun if you can let it be the film it is. Apart from some very cringey moments (which did almost turn me off the film at the beginning), I did find it very funny. I love Sandra Bullock and I really liked her character in this. I also loved Daniel Radcliffe as a somewhat crazed, billionaire supervillain; it seemed like he was really enjoying himself with this character which made him really fun to watch. I thought Channing Tatum’s character was more than a little inconsistent, flip-flopping between being very dense and being really quite thoughtful. But overall, it was very enjoyable and I’ve watched it a few times when I just needed something that was fun and light.

Jurassic World Domination – I love the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World films. There I said it. No, I don’t think they’re cinematic masterpieces but I greatly enjoy watching them and often turn to them when the world feels too much and I just want to escape. I loved both the chaos and harmony of dinosaurs living in the present, amongst humans and other animals; I loved the return of the Jurassic Park cast; I loved the incredibly elaborate action sequences; I loved the big bad corporation; I loved the whole cast coming together at the end. I thought it was really cool and great fun.

Not Okay – I wasn’t actually going to write about this film because I wasn’t sure I had anything to say but then I kept coming back to it, kept thinking about it. The film begins with Danni, the “unlikable female protagonist” (as we are warned in the film’s disclaimer), lying on social media about a trip to Paris. When a terrorist attack takes place and she sees the overwhelming amount of attention she receives, she continues to lie instead of telling the truth. It was interesting because it was practically unwatchable at points – because of Danni’s absolute tone-deafness and later because you knew it was all about to explode and you could see how everyone was going to get hurt – but you also couldn’t help feeling invested. I don’t know if it’s some intrinsic belief that people will eventually do the right thing or if it’s just the ‘can’t look away from a car crash’ thing. If it hadn’t have been for Rowan (a teenage school shooting survivor and activist that Danni meets at a trauma support group), I’m not sure I would’ve finished the film, to be honest. Rowan was sweet and raw and passionate and just so compelling to watch, her authenticity and conviction a mirror to Danni’s vacuous, attention-craving, self-centered personality. Mia Isaac, the actress who plays Rowan, is captivating to watch  – she’s the heart of the film – and is definitely someone to keep an eye out for. The film poses some really big questions about the fetishisation of trauma, how public figures are treated, the effects of cancel culture, performative activism, the reliance on social media for validation, and so on. And while I think the film ended where it should’ve, I’m always kind of fascinated by how people rebuild, whether that’s on a personal scale or a societal one. I’m intrigued to know where both Rowan and Danni ended up. Rowan’s trajectory is a bit more predictable but with Danni’s credibility destroyed, it’s harder to imagine where she might’ve ended up.

The Good Nurse – This popped up on Netflix and without thinking too hard about it, I started watching it. I really like Jessica Chastain and her performance in this film is phenomenal, as is Eddie Redmayne’s. While quite a lot is happening throughout the film – the mysterious deaths of patients at the hospital where they both work, a police investigation into the deaths, Amy’s (Chastain) health deteriorating, Amy and Charlie’s (Redmayne) growing friendship – it’s the moments between the two of them that are the most compelling, even when neither of them are speaking. It’s very tense, even when Charlie is finally arrested for killing multiple patients at the hospital (and in previous hospitals), but the climax of that moment – of the whole film – comes with a relief that’s more sickening that satisfying. When he finally responds to the question of why he did what he did, he simply says, “They didn’t stop me.” Each hospital had simply fired him and made him someone else’s problem, allowing him to keep killing people; they could’ve stopped him but they didn’t. The final scenes, where they explain what happened to Charlie (and then Amy) were constructed beautifully I thought: there was no fanfare, just the facts presented in a really impactful way. The fact that Charlie only confessed to twenty-nine murders to avoid the death penalty when it was like to be around four hundred was horrifying; he’ll be in prison for the rest of his life regardless but the families of the people he killed still deserve that justice. But the most harrowing part was that, over the sixteen years he worked as a nurse, most of the hospitals he worked at had suspicions about him and yet none of them faced charges. What he did was awful enough but the fact that the healthcare system actually enabled him is just… I don’t have the words. On a more positive note, I’m really glad that Amy and her family were and are okay.

I’m still not sure how I feel about true crime films given some of the stories that have come out recently from survivors and the families of victims so I’m really glad that they didn’t glorify him. I spent most of the movie thinking about how much pain he caused and how utterly despicable the healthcare system is for allowing that to happen and unless Netflix grows a conscience and starts compensating the people they’re making money off by telling their stories, I think that’s the best we can hope for: focussing on the people that matter and the changes that need to be made to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.

Enola Holmes 2 – I loved Enola Holmes so I was really looking forward to the sequel (with some anxiety since sequels so often don’t live up to their predecessors) and it was everything I hoped for and more. I love Millie Bobby Brown as Enola and I think she commands the story and the audience’s attention beautifully; the script is brilliant and hilarious; and the chemistry between the actors is gorgeous. Henry Cavill is brilliant too and very funny but he never overshadows Millie Bobby Brown as the star, which I imagine is a skill that one isn’t just born with. The relationship between Sherlock and Enola is very sweet and it’s really nice to watch it grow with all of its ups and downs, especially considering how intelligent they both are. I also loved the returning characters, like Edith and Eudoria; they were fantastic even though they didn’t get a whole lot of screen time. I was very excited to see David Thewlis and the new cast members were really great too. These films don’t feel like anything else; watching them feels like an entirely unique experience and I love that (I would not say no to another… and another, etc). The acting, the direction, the cinematography, the editing, the action sequences, how apparently insignificant details effortlessly become relevant later in the story… It’s all so beautifully done. I found the plot (the multiple plots!) somewhat confusing to begin with but, as it unravelled, I just fell in love and was absolutely hooked: I was completely invested in Enola’s case, I loved her less than graceful relationship with Tewkesbury, the collision of Enola’s case and Sherlock’s, the historical events unfolding throughout and around the story. The twists throughout the film are just exquisitely done and the finale (well, there are two really: the finale of the case and the finale of the events that sparked the case) was fantastic. The final showdown has an amazing reveal that had me shrieking and then, the aftermath of that, was so moving I was almost in tears. Some of the specific details I loved: her detective agency plan didn’t succeed straight away and it took time for her to figure out how to make it work for her rather than following someone else’s blueprint; I loved that there wasn’t just ‘the villain’ and that the story and the wrongs they were trying to right were a lot more complicated and nuanced; I loved almost every scene between Enola and Tewkesbury (particularly their very chaotic declaration of feelings for each other and the parallel where he taught her to dance in a bathroom in five minutes and she taught him to fight in a carriage in five minutes); in the final showdown, I loved the multiple fights going on at the same time and how they were edited together. And the final scene with Sherlock was shriek-worthy; hopefully that means that there are at least thoughts for another film. Anyway. I could go on. I just loved it and will be watching it again and again. My only disappointment (and it’s really not that big of a deal) is that we didn’t see Mycroft since Sam Claflin’s portrayal of him is hilarious. But, as I said, I loved it. I absolutely loved it and there aren’t many things I can say that about this year.

Free Guy – I love Ryan Reynolds; I find him completely hilarious in everything (that I’ve seen at least). I loved the chaos of this film (the wrecking ball scene may be the funniest thing I’ve seen all year); I loved the over dramatic action scenes;  I loved the super cool special effects; I loved that you had no idea what was going on when the film started; I loved the random cameos and pop culture references; I loved the bigger story, outside the game (I’ve definitely felt like a background character in life, just there to fill in everyone else’s storylines, this year). I really enjoyed it, which surprised me since, as much as I like Ryan Reynolds, it didn’t seem like something that would appeal to me.

Black Widow – Even though I love Agents of Shield, I have not kept up with what’s going on in the Marvel universe. There are just so many films with so many characters that I’m just not very invested in. But I also liked Natasha Romanoff and was intrigued by how she became an Avenger, became who she is. So I was very excited about her getting her own film (my depression just kept me from actually watching it until now). I was fascinated by the fact that even her childhood was an undercover mission, the pretend child of Russian agents living in Ohio and infiltrating SHIELD. But then that mission ends and she, and her younger sister Yelena, are taken (back in Natasha’s case) to the Red Room, where they are trained to be assassins (the montage of this process looks beautiful – the shots, the editing, and so on). Post a load of Marvel stuff I haven’t seen, Natasha and Yelena have reunited to take down the Red Room, something Natasha thought she’d done years previously, and free the other Widows from a chemical form of mind control using an antidote that Yelena has recovered. It was really cool to see Natasha get real screentime; I love her and have loved her since the original Avengers film, so it was really interesting to see what made her who she is and to see her more fleshed out as a character. But I also think Florence Pugh deserves serious credit for making us fall in love with Yelena so quickly. I loved her straight away; I thought she was hilarious and the sibling energy was just so good. Their sister moments together are very cute and very entertaining. Natasha’s showdown with Dreykov, the guy in charge of the Red Room who was still alive despite Natasha’s belief that she’d killed him, is awesome and compelling to watch, both of them powerful and with the upper hand but in entirely different ways. The action packed finale of the film just keeps twisting and turning – the other Widows attempting to kill Natasha, Yelena dosing them with the antidote, Yelena’s attempt to kill Dreykov while sacrificing herself only for Natasha to save her, Natasha’s final battle with Dreykov’s daughter who he’d abused and manipulated for his own purpose (a storyline I could write so much more about) – until the Red Room is burning rubble around them and the pretend-turned-real family reunite. With SHIELD arriving to take in Natasha, she encourages the others to leave, entrusting them – and especially Yelena – to free all of the other Widows stationed around the world, something she downloaded from Dreykov as the Red Room was exploding around her (they take Dreykov’s daughter with them, another thing I could talk about for ages). And when we next see Natasha, she’s on her way to rescue her fellow Avengers. I still refuse to believe she’s dead – I have not seen the film and therefore it has not happened – even with the post credits scene of Yelena visiting her grave and I will continue to ignore all mentions of it. Overall though, I really enjoyed the film. I thought the cast were great and I particularly – as I’ve already said multiple times – loved the relationship between Natasha and Yelena. I thought the special effects were super cool (major props to the Marvel CGI teams – they deserve the world) and the stunts, particularly the stunt fights, were incredible, so slick and just stunning to watch. The only thing that trips me up – other than the fact that you need an encyclopaedic knowledge of the Marvel films to keep up with everything going on in each film – is the fact that the characters can just get up and keep going after the most ridiculously fights or falls or whatever but are then felled by lesser ones; the inconsistency, while clearly for dramatic effect and narrative purposes, does have me raising my eyebrows.

Avatar: The Way of Water – If nothing else, the Avatar films are utterly beautiful: the scenery and different environments across Pandora, the creatures that inhabit them, each different civilisation and their individual rituals (quite possibly my favourite scene of this film is when the Metkayina reef people – different from the Omaticaya forest people that are at the centre of the first film – greet the tulkun (whale-like creatures that they consider part of their spiritual family) when they return from their migration and the two species reconnect and exchange stories), and so on. The attention to detail in this world is gorgeous. I found the story less interesting. More than a decade has passed since the events of the first film and Jake and Neytiri have a family but humans return (the colonel from the first film is back, his mind and memory implanted into a Na’vi avatar) and are intent on killing Jake (although I’m not sure why anyone would finance that mission – that made it hard to take the story seriously). To protect their people, the family flees to the reef clan and seek sanctuary. A significant part of the film is dedicated to the family learning the ways of the new clan: learning to spend long periods underwater, to become strong swimmers, to work with the unfamiliar wildlife, and so on. I did like that they didn’t gloss over the fact that not only are the children outsiders in this new clan but that they are also outsiders because of their genetic human heritage, when it wouldn’t have surprised me if they’d ignored it; the ongoing theme of being different and how different is acceptable was an interesting one in this different world. And that didn’t just apply to the Na’vi; there is an outcast tulkun – that Jake’s son connects with – who goes on to play a big part in the inevitable conflict between the Na’vi and the humans (I actually loved him and would call him one of my favourite characters in the film). Said conflict feels repetitive, very similar to that of the first film, and they’re very boring villains: callously killing the creatures of Pandora – that you find yourself oddly attached to even when they’re not main (or side) characters – and searching the villages for Jake with a brutality that makes it hard to watch. They’re just horrible with no nuance. It’s boring. The battle scenes look amazing, even if it all feels very similar to the first film, and the stand off that takes place is certainly interesting (and I think it’s worth noting that Zoe Saldaña is fantastic in these scenes). So, while it wasn’t the greatest film I’ve ever seen, it was absolutely stunning, I love Sigourney Weaver, and there are a lot of a really enjoyable parts of the film. There seem to be some obvious loose ends, left that way to be resolved in the sequels no doubt, like the whaling operation that harvests the tulkuns’ brain enzymes to be sold on earth as a component in anti-aging science and Kiri’s (the daughter of Grace Augustine’s avatar) relationship with and abilities in connection to the ocean. I read that David Thewlis will be in the later films, which will be fun, but I also read that the Colonel will be the main villain in every one of the sequels and that’s just really tedious news because, as I said, he’s a really boring villain.

TV SHOWS

I rewatched so many shows this year; it’s been my way of coping when everything both around me and inside my head got to be too much. Sometimes I rewatched shows that I’ve seen a hundred times, like Criminal Minds and The Mentalist and Agents of Shield but I also rewatched and finished shows that I’d started but somehow lost along the way, like Primeval, Supergirl, Switched at Birth, New Tricks, and Rizzoli & Isles. There was a certain satisfaction in finishing those, even when the endings frustrated me.

And now, of course, to the new shows I watched this year…

Inventing Anna – I found watching this show a very strange experience, I think, because I didn’t particularly like any of the characters or care what happened to them but I did want to know how it all played out. I honestly do not get what anyone saw in Anna – why they liked her, why they helped her, why they believed her – and I only disliked her more over the course of the series. Of her friends, I liked Neff the most, although I thought she was very naïve when it came to Anna and Anna certainly didn’t deserve her loyalty. I thought Kacy was hilarious (I think my favourite moment was when she refers to Anna as Satan). And while I didn’t particularly like Rachel, I didn’t understand why they were so hard on her for what she did: Anna put her in a terrifying position, stole from her, got her in a lot of trouble, and treated her terribly the entire time. I think my favourite characters were probably the ‘Scriberia’ writers. I found Anna’s lawyer, Todd, interesting and while I commend him for his sense to duty to his clients, I honestly have no idea why he went so far as to jeopardise his family for Anna; she didn’t deserve him either. His scenes were some of the best of the show, I think. I thought it was hilarious when he finally lost his shit in the elevator over Anna refusing to wear her court clothes and the scene where he went all in and just yelled at her during the trial was somewhat cathartic to watch. She’s talking about everything she’s done and I was just sitting there thinking: “What foundation? What work? What achievements?” She hasn’t actually done anything apart from manipulate people. What’s there to respect? God, she irritated me so much! I was glad that they didn’t end the series with Vivian and Todd getting together as it did feel like the show was pushing that angle at various points. I liked Vivian for the most part, although her patience with Anna tried my patience. I was intrigued by her backstory but by the time it was revealed, I felt like they’d built it up too much and so I was a little underwhelmed. I liked the little insights into her family life and I thought her and her husbands reactions to the fancy houses – and staying in just one of the fancy cottages (with heated floors and a super soft bed) – was utterly hysterical. I thought her exchange with Anna’s parents, especially her mother, was beautifully written and acted and just when I was starting to really like her, her reaction to Anna’s prison sentence totally soured me. She said, “She’ll be a lonely middle-aged woman whose life was stolen from her,” and was so frustrated with her: No, Vivian, you’re projecting. Anna stole and manipulated and screwed with people’s lives. AND THEN, Vivian agreed to trek up to the new prison to visit her. Ugh. By the end, Vivian was irritating me almost as much as Anna except I don’t think that’s actually possible. Literally, the last thing I wrote down was about Anna and how unlikeable she was: “WHY DOES ANYONE LIKE HER?” I also found that the whole thing just felt very long; I think that, had it been shorter by a few episodes, the pacing would have been more satisfying.

Forever (Season 1) – While I found that the similarities to Harrow created a very strong sense of déjà vu at times, I did enjoy this show (although I enjoyed Harrow more and continue to rewatch it). I really liked the characters. I loved Henry (the main character, played by Ioan Gruffudd) – his sense of humour greatly entertained me – an immortal Medical Examiner trying to understand his condition while helping New York detective, Jo Martinez, solve murder cases. So, that’s one storyline. We also see flashes of Henry’s past: he and his wife, Abigail, and their son, Abe, who they adopted when Auschwitz was liberated. We see multiple moments from various points throughout their lives and I have to admit, I was utterly invested in their love story. But then she disappeared and was never seen again. In the present, living with Abe (who looks old enough to be his father) in an antique shop full of his old possessions, Henry is contacted by another man who claims to be immortal, claims to have lived for two thousand years. He also claims to not only have a theory on how they can end their immortality but also information about Abigail and it isn’t long before the two are engaged in an increasingly complicated game of cat and mouse. While I did guess several of the twists, there were also plenty that I didn’t and the build up and climax of the season was really satisfying. I really liked where it ended; I can’t imagine how another season would have worked so it was a good ending, although the change in circumstances would’ve been interesting to explore. My favourite part was the different relationships between characters: Henry and Abigail were so cute together; Henry and Abe were lovely and hilarious (“You’re emoting, Henry… continue.”); Henry and Jo’s relationship was nice too, moving slowly and organically. It went on a bit long and the beginning/ending monologues in each episode were a little trite but it was very engaging and enjoyable and I’m glad I watched it.

Sorry For Your Loss (Season 1-2) – I love Elizabeth Olsen and she is fantastic in this. The show follows her character, Leigh – along with her family (and her brother in law who I did not like at all) – as she copes with the sudden death of her husband, Matt. I found a lot of the grief stuff deeply relatable, even though the situations are very different: I related especially to all of the unanswered questions, including the ones you didn’t even know you had. At one point, they followed the storyline of Matt’s (and then their) dog having to be put down and I really liked how emotional it was and how they portrayed it as this deeply distressing event, just as every pet owner will tell you it is; so often it’s not portrayed as the heartbreaking, life changing thing that it is and even in a show about grieving the most important person in your life, they never made it feel like it didn’t matter as much as it did. I liked how messy all of the characters were and although Leigh’s relationship with her sister gave me emotional whiplash at times, I thought they were very sweet. I also loved the way the show jumped back in time so that we got to see Leigh and Matt together and see how the story unfolded – I particularly loved seeing them on their wedding day; it was so adorable and then the juxtaposition to her getting ready for his funeral was gut-wrenching. The show revolving around grief did make it hard for me to watch and Matt’s spiral into depression made it quite a bit harder. It was a mixed experience: he described depression the same way I do – that it’s not like being in a fog but like having a crystal clear view of everything and how awful and hopeless it is and it’s everyone else who seems to be in a fog, unable to see that – which was really validating but I couldn’t help getting frustrated when he complained about how Leigh didn’t understand when he either avoided talking about it or straight up lied when she tried to understand. Obviously the depression wasn’t his fault but how could she possibly have understood when he didn’t let her in? Also, the ongoing question of whether his death was an accident or suicide was hard, given how suicidal I had been feeling in the months previous.

I didn’t enjoy the second season as much; a lot of it felt really out of character. I liked Leigh’s mother at the beginning of the season but then she had a complete freak out over nothing – nothing real, nothing that was actually true; it was all her own neuroses – and then took off, abandoning her two daughters who were both going through some really serious stuff that most people would want their mother around for. I ended up hating her for that. I hated Matt’s brother, Danny – he was so negative about Matt ALL THE TIME and even with all of his grief, I couldn’t help but wonder whether he even liked his brother at all – and I HATED that he and Leigh ended up getting together for a while, especially since they couldn’t seem to have a conversation without getting into a fight; the whole thing just felt weird. There were some good parts though that I really enjoyed. I liked learning more about Leigh’s sister, Jules: her adoption, her childhood, seeing her in a relationship that, for the most part, was good for both her and her partner. And my favourite part of the season was when Leigh went to the school where Matt taught for a memorial they’d put together for him. She was skeptical because he’d complained a lot about his job but there were more people than could be seated and they’d painted a scene from the comic he’d been working on on the wall of his old classroom. When she looks at it more closely, she notices that there are words incorporated in the scene, words that link to the things that he wanted in life, like surfing off the Gold Coast. And then she sees the word ‘pickle’ and she flashes back to a conversation they had, making fun of the strange names he’d hear at school and how they’d have to name their child something weird like ‘Pickle.’ It’s heartbreaking but so sweet at the same time. Unfortunately the ending was very abrupt and anti-climactic, with too many questions unanswered, maybe because they were expecting another season but were cancelled.

The Split (Series 3) – I had to rewatch the whole show before starting the new series because it had been so long and I couldn’t remember what had happened (my overwhelming feeling was, of course, that I absolutely love Nicola Walker). The series was heartbreaking, on so many levels. And so emotionally messy, which I guess is true to life; we don’t always make sensible, logical choices. For all of them really. Nathan (Stephen Mangan) and Hannah (Nicola Walker) are getting divorced but both of them just seem so heartbroken over it, both of them going back and forth over what they want. But then Nathan’s also seeing someone new (and getting her pregnant) – it’s a mess. Rose’s husband, James, is killed suddenly in an accident, leaving them all more than a little lost. And Nina is sleeping with her boss’ fiancé, which is stupid because they’re going to kept caught and it’s kind of awful because neither of them seem to feel guilty about it (at least Hannah felt conflicted about cheating). And to compound the whole saga of misery, just when I thought we’d gotten rid of Christie, he has to pop back up again and I was really worried that he and Hannah would get together (if he and Hannah ended up together, I was going to be throwing things because he’s such an arse – he’s a brat who blew up her life because he didn’t get what he wanted, which IS NOT LOVE) but, fortunately, Hannah manages to take control of her life again and when he asks her to essentially run away with him, she tells him that he can have her and her family or he can go alone. She knows what she wants, which was deeply gratifying to see after a period of such heartache and confusion. Hannah and Nathan do manage to forgive each other and, over multiple scenes, we see the two of them work through what’s left between them and what lies ahead for their whole family, and it’s really beautiful – if sad – to watch. In a way, all three sisters are dealing with loss: Hannah with the divorce, Nina with learning that the man she thought she loved was a conman and disappeared on her without a word, and Rose with James’ death. The acting, especially the acting of Nicola Walker (yes, I know, I’m a fangirl), is just beautiful to watch. And the end – the end of the show – is very sweet and poignant: all of the families, old and new (including the family of the man who received James’ heart after he died) have gathered to celebrate Ruth’s wedding, which is a really nice ending after such turmoil throughout the third series, throughout the whole show. They’ve made something beautiful, if unconventional, out of a lot of pain. And Hannah’s final speech is very touching and it’s a good last speech for the show (although, given that she’s giving advice, I think there are more helpful things she could’ve said, like when she talked to Nathan’s new partner about lives growing intertwined like plants and then, even when the plant is dead, it still takes that tug to pull it free and let new life grow and that isn’t easy or pain-free) (There was also a really nice quote during the show about how the best days are “the tent pegs to hold onto when the rest blows away,” which I really loved as a sentiment). And it seemed appropriate that, after three series of reminding people that they’re family lawyers and not divorce lawyers, that the story ends with family and not divorce.

The Wilds (Season 2) – I have somewhat mixed feelings about the second season of this show, having absolutely loved the first season. I know the boys had to feature because the whole greater plot wouldn’t have worked without them ever being touched on but I just… didn’t like them. Any of them. On a scale from ambivalence to blazing hatred, most of them fell on the latter end. With the girls, even when I didn’t love them, there were parts of them that I absolutely liked and related to and slowly that turned into love for each of them but, with the boys, that never happened. They just felt like a drag in the storytelling. I loved every scene with the girls though; they were just so compelling that the plot lines of the boys and the experiment just didn’t measure up, although Gretchen’s freak out where she wrapped herself in a blanket like a burrito will never not be funny (I think part of it was that, this season, it felt like Gretchen had gone from toeing the line between dedicated researcher and supervillain to complete psycho, which was definitely less interesting). I loved Rachel and Leah’s friendship (perhaps because they were so at odds for much of Season 1), Rachel’s grief and the way she and Shelby connected over faith, Toni and Shelby’s relationship, Martha’s response to the trauma she’s experienced (although I could’ve done without seeing the massacred rabbits, to be honest), Leah’s mental health (initially I found the Ben Folds thing utterly bizarre but over time, it feels very in keeping with both Leah and the show – take the ‘Cake By The Ocean’ hallucination for example), Fatin’s evolution from “I don’t get tight with girls” to being the friend with all the “Mom energy,” and more. I also loved how the finale episode had us looking at the whole show differently.

As frustrated as I was with many aspects of the second season, I was (and still am) gutted that they cancelled the show. I can’t help feeling like the contract between show and viewer has been broken: they (the network and the team behind the show) ask us to invest in the show and the characters, something that the show really encouraged with all of the flashbacks and twists and details, in exchange for telling that story and telling it to the best of their ability. And the cancellation really flies in the face of that (admittedly I didn’t like Season 2 as much as Season 1 but I hate this new era of killing off a show the moment a season doesn’t beat all expectations; shows rise and fall as the story plays out, which inevitably means that some seasons are stronger than others, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get the chance to rise again). It’s been a long time since a cancellation has hit me so hard. There were so many things I still wanted to see: the girls, but specifically Rachel, being reunited with Nora; who Gretchen’s other person or people on the inside were (between the immediate cut to Shelby and Shelby’s dream about Gretchen asking her to make a choice, my money would be on her, not because she’s ‘bad’ but because Gretchen was offering her something that she felt was truly important); how the FBI investigation factored in (I’m inclined to think that that would ultimately lead to them being rescued); how things played out on the island; the aftermath when they finally got home; and that’s not mentioning the myriad of little moments between the girls over that period of time. There was still so much potential; I kind of wish the creator and writers would turn it into a book series so that we could at least find out how the story was supposed to play out.

Cheer (Season 2) – The second season felt very different to the first season. Several of the people I liked the most weren’t in it much and I felt like you could see the effect of COVID and the fame of the show and the problems with individual cheerleaders wearing them all down. For example, I really didn’t like La’Darius this season, how he treated Monica; whatever was going on between them, it was childish and cruel to act all shady on social media instead of working it out in person. And then, when they did talk in person, his whole affect just really rubbed me up the wrong way. I thought it was big of her to forgive him; I don’t know if I could have. I also really disliked the Trinity Valley cheerleaders – and their coach was horrible – and how they were always trashing Navarro, yelling “fuck them” all the time (and on a similar note, I kind of can’t believe that the guy who did the choreography for Navarro for over a decade would suddenly jump ship for their main competition; it felt very shady, given how often they all talk about loyalty). It all felt super unhealthy: so many of the cheerleaders – from both teams – never wanted to leave and even came back to college just to cheer, which seemed somewhat problematic for their development as people. Over the season, some of the new people, like Maddy and Jada, did grow on me a bit but I don’t feel like we got to know anyone in the way we did during Season 1. As for the competition, I thought that Trinity Valley performed better on the day but that Navarro had a better routine; I’m not sure who I thought should have come in first but I really felt for Navarro after the two years they’d had.

I don’t follow anything related to Cheer on social media so the announcement at the beginning of the season that Jerry had been arrested was a complete shock. That news obviously made watching Jerry’s few appearances pretty unpleasant but I’m glad that they faced it head on and didn’t pretend that it hadn’t happened. The stark way that they had the boys he’d victimised, their mother, and their attorney speak about what had happened was… harrowing, but I’m not sure the tone of the episode reflected that; I felt like the focus was on grieving Jerry, rather than on the horrible things he’s done and how to create change in the cheerleading community. I found that upsetting. I think that would’ve been a better message to send as a cheerleading program but I can see why it ended up being what it is, as an episode in a docuseries. In an ideal world, they’d be talking to everybody about Jerry after they’d processed the news and their feelings, allowing them to make a clear statement condemning his behaviour but that wasn’t the case here. They were still in the middle of it, in the middle of a trauma themselves, when they were being asked for their reactions to the news. I believe them when they say it was like someone had died; I can’t imagine what it would be like to learn something like that about someone you love, someone you thought you knew. So I do understand why their reactions lean more towards mourning and sadness than anger and outrage. I would hope that, moving forward, they would take a stand against behaviour like this. I know that at least some of them have continued to speak to and support Jerry, which I can’t say I feel great about, but then I’ve never been in their shoes and so I don’t really feel like I have any right to judge them.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (Season 23) – This season felt much longer than the previous ones did for some reason and there were some real downers to contend with pretty early on, like both Kat and Garland leaving and McGrath’s hostile takeover (I hate him with a passion and actually cheered when Olivia essentially told him to stay the hell away). I also really miss the old squad room and Olivia’s old office; I know that they haven’t actually moved but both spaces just feel so dark and cold and depressing when it used to feel warm and accommodating. That said, there were some great storylines and character stuff this season; there were some really compelling episodes, including The Five Hundredth Episode, which is possibly my favourite episode ever. Rollins and Carisi are very cute together and I think Carisi is doing a good job as an ADA, although I think I preferred the show – the dynamic, the debates, the focus – when he was a detective. I loved seeing Barba again but it was pretty miserable that he and Liv were in such conflict. And while I don’t love the potential love triangle, I thought Barba’s confession – that he loves her unconditionally – in the final episode was very touching and very powerful. I’m both intrigued and anxious about where that will lead. Of course, that throws a wrench in the already complicated relationship that is Liv and Elliot. I find Elliot exhausting and the relationship clearly isn’t simple for Liv (and personally, the fact that her therapist suggested that they try the relationship or move on makes me think that she isn’t being completely honest with him because I cannot believe that he would even suggest it, given how much shit has happened between them). I just hate that all of his drama always takes centre stage; he just sucks up all of the oxygen and there’s never enough space for her and what she wants and needs. I find it really depressing to watch.

New Amsterdam (Season 4) – God, this season felt never-ending. Between the rollercoaster style of storytelling and the numerous breaks within the season, I was exhausted – relieved – by the end. I enjoyed the previous seasons but this one was a struggle. It was downright miserable at times, mostly because of Veronica Fuentes and her depressing reign over the hospital: attempting to undo everything Max has done, blackmailing Lauren, forcing Iggy back to treating patients, forcing the ambulances to meet impossible quotas under threat of breaking their contract, firing over a hundred people, forcing them all to put money above medicine, and then, when they push back, all but ending their careers. And if that wasn’t bad enough, there were so many other distressing stories: Lauren and her mother’s complicated relationship; Helen and her mother’s complicated relationship; Vijay’s death (although the funeral was beautifully done); Trevor making Iggy uncomfortable was super uncomfortable to watch; Floyd in the most dysfunctional polyamorous relationship ever; the doctors attacked by a guy who thought doctors exaggerated the threat of COVID, resulting in him almost losing his business; Helen having a stroke and losing the ability to speak (which she’d recovered from two episodes later, a recurring, tedious pattern in New Amsterdam storytelling, resulting in a loss of impact every time a new dramatic thing happens); Leyla facing deportation; Iggy tearing down his marriage out of nowhere; and so on. It was just A LOT. And, as I said, each dramatic thing that happens lessens the impact of the storytelling; it all stops meaning as much when something ‘life-changing’ happens every episode. It wasn’t all depressing. There were some really cool scenes and some really sweet ones: the interview with the pyromaniac was cool; Dr Wilder (a deaf actress playing a deaf character!) was awesome and the scenes with her brother were really powerful (although my favourite Wilder moment was when her interpreter refused to say aloud what she’d signed because it was too explicit – he’s great too); Max suggesting to Luna that she call Helen ‘Mum’ since she already has a ‘Mommy’ was adorable; the scene where Lauren and her team are sifting through piles of research to diagnose a baby’s mystery genetic illness and more and more people, not even doctors, turn up to help was heartwarming; all of the support staff – janitors, orderlies, and so on – striking against Veronica and for Max, making her job impossible and ultimately forcing her out; and more. And those scenes are lovely but it just felt like there was much more sad, difficult stuff this season. And the finale episode was like New Amsterdam summed up in one episode: one ridiculous, unlikely disaster after another (there were like five!), none of which really have any bearing on how the episode ends. And then, just as Max and Helen are about to get married, Helen calls to say that she ‘can’t,’ which is probably supposed to explain why Helen won’t be in Season Five. If that’s the case, I’ll be very disappointed; it feels like a disservice to the character and to the fans.

Noughts + Crosses (Series 2) – I’m not really sure why the BBC added another series to this show (especially when it was only four episodes and the first series ended so well) and in many ways, it felt like it diluted the power of the first series; it felt like a hastily added epilogue to Series 1 where, instead of continuing to forge its own path as Series 1 did, it wandered a convoluted, somewhat tedious path to the same destination as the book. A lot of stuff happened that didn’t really carry the story forward, like Sephy almost having an abortion before backing out and Callum going back to the Liberation Militia. And between Sephy going on the news and all of the political wrangling because of Calum’s trial – which results in Sephy’s father severing political ties between Albion and the empire of Aprica – it all felt much bigger, with a wider societal impact, compared to the book where things felt much more centred on Sephy and Callum, just as people. That’s a personal preference thing though. Having said all of that, I think the attention to detail – in terms of the world of the show – is top notch; it’s a beautiful show to watch. I also did really like Cara, although I preferred Book Cara (and her storyline) to TV Show Cara. I can see why they made her half Cross half Nought though, making her an interesting potential parallel to Sephy and Callum’s baby. As I said, I’m not really sure what the point of a four episode second series is (if there isn’t going to be a third series) and as beautiful as it was, the storytelling just didn’t live up to my expectations, to the standard of the first series.

Killing Eve (Series 1-4) – Yes, I know, I’m very behind on the Killing Eve hype and I’m not sure that I have anything new to say about it but I found it very compelling, if not always ‘fun’ to watch; I love that spy, thriller genre (I mean, I loved Spooks, which feels like it could inhabit an adjacent world) although I found the level of violence – and loss – a bit too much for me at times. But I thought the performances were incredible, especially from Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer; I found them fascinating separately and fascinating together and I’m not sure I’d completely understand them if I watched the show a hundred times. One of my favourite scenes is when they discuss the story of the frog and the scorpion and how the scorpion ends up killing them both because it’s in its nature and Villanelle questions who the scorpion is of the two of them; I thought that moment was such a core theme of the show. Part of me thinks that the end of the third series was the perfect ending for their story but then there are so many moments in the fourth series that are just fantastic.

His Dark Materials (Series 3) – I struggled to get into this series initially, I think, because there were so many separate stories going on, which dragged down the pace. But once I got into it, halfway through the third episode-ish, I really got into it and watched it all in one go (unfortunately giving myself a migraine, which wasn’t fun but I can’t say I regret it). The whole thing is utterly beautiful: each of the worlds is so mesmerising, every set is mind-blowing in its attention to detail, the costuming is beautifully done (I particularly love the witches’ costumes), and the technology (like the Intention Craft) is super cool. The little details and visual parallels from previous seasons, like matching the colour palette of Mrs Coulter’s outfit on her way to have her daemon severed with the uniforms the children at Bolvanger wore where they had their daemons severed, is one of my favourite things about the show and about BBC productions, that attention to the details.

The acting is amazing. Ruth Wilson is incredible as Mrs Coulter and she elevates every scene she’s in. And the character goes through such an interesting transformation, although it’s almost all internal: the confrontation of her feelings for Lyra, learning that her ability to suppress the best of herself is what will make her the only match for Metatron and therefore a vital part of a war she never wanted anything to do with, the utilisation of her ability of control the spectres, and the ultimate sacrifice she makes for Lyra. I also find her relationship with her daemon endlessly fascinating.  She convinces him to hit her over the head with a rock to sell a lie, she actively says “good” when told she’ll be severed from him, and they’re at odds for much of the season. The scene where she apologises to him – for treating him badly, forcing their separation, for hurting him, for believing him to be weak – and asks him to come back to her is incredible and beautiful and the fact that their reconnection and their ability to separate is so pivotal to the story makes it all the more powerful. Her relationships with the other characters are also deeply intriguing. She and Serafina Pekkala are a compelling pair and their scenes, especially when Mrs Coulter thinks Lyra is dead, are really powerful. Her scenes with Lord Asriel are also incredible and so complex, the many layers of their relationship and their strong characters making the scenes intense and enthralling. Both Ruth Wilson and James McAvoy are amazing in their characters and they raise the bar with every scene; the characters are both so completely one of a kind in their own ways, both so highly intelligent (although Asriel approaching Iorek and getting battered could make one question his intelligence – still a favourite moment of the series), that the intensity of their relationship isn’t surprising (and it isn’t surprising that Lyra turned out to be so extraordinary, like reading the alethiometer, saving the dead, fearlessly staring down the harpies, turning the harpies to the side of humans, and so on). Daphe Keen is also an incredible actor; Lyra is such a compelling and quietly powerful character that it’s impossible not to feel invested in her. She has many great scenes throughout the series but the scene where she has to leave Pantalaimon to go to the Land of the Dead and starts to feel the pain of separating from him is heartbreaking (I cried) and the moment where she realises what Mrs Coulter’s monkey has done for her, only to watch him disappear as the two reach for each other, is utterly heartbreaking. And her scenes with Will in the final episode range from sweet and beautiful, like when Lyra and Will finally kiss (visually, that scene is absolutely stunning), to gut-wrenching, like when they have to say goodbye, first in the Mulefa world, then Lyra’s world, and then when they return to the bench each year. I freely admit that I cried my way through that last episode. Her performances are just stellar. As were Amir Wilson’s. The other characters were, of course, great too. I was so happy to see some of the past characters again, like Roger and Lee Scoresby (although it was heartbreaking to watch Lyra have to say goodbye to them all over again). Lin-Manuel Miranda was particularly great and I almost lost it when, upon leaving the Land of the Dead, he said he was going to go and “be with [his] Hester.” I also loved Mary, loved watching her interact with the Mulefa and learning their language, using her hand and arm to communicate where they used their trunks. I loved the way she talked to Lyra and Will and hearing her tell them her story is such a poignant moment, both because of the core message she’s imparting but also because we still don’t get enough stories with queer characters who feel real and complex, queer characters with actual, beautiful depth.

I found the actual war the least interesting part of the story (although it was beautiful, angels against angels); on the whole, I found the character stuff far more compelling than the religious, heaven and hell stuff, but the idea of internal power struggles among angels and a god in whatever form is an intriguing one. The finding of what we assume to be The Authority, withered and weak, in a cell fallen from the Kingdom of Heaven floating away upon being freed is still one I’m turning over in my mind.

The end is of the story is cruel and frustrating, especially after everything that Lyra and Will have been through together but the actors played it beautifully. The tragedy that they have to return to their own worlds is heartbreaking but I don’t feel like the show made it clear enough that daemons can’t survive in different worlds for long periods of time, since Will’s father’s daemon seems fine (and he only talks about it being hard, not impossible). I’m glad that they gave us a little closure on their lives but have also left it open for further adventures. I know Jane Tranter wants to do an adaption of the other stories but I’m not sure I could love another Lyra as much as I love Daphne Keen as Lyra.

Baymax! – I loved this sweet little series; it was just so heartwarming and fun. All of the characters are interesting and unique and carried their own stories well. And, of course, Baymax is hilarious: struggling with takeaway cup lids, almost apologetically offering lollipops after annoying people, following a cat all over a city to help it. I liked that Hiro wasn’t excluded because he’s very much a part of Baymax’s story but Baymax was still at the centre of each story and I liked the little references to the film, like the appearance of Hiro’s microbots and Baymax calling a cat a “hairy baby.” There were so many cute moments and I love how non-judgemental Baymax is, just listening and offering advice without prejudice or bias. I also loved how well handled the medical issues in the show were handled (and the moments surrounding those issues), in that they were handled without fanfare or shame: a woman can’t hear him, Baymax turns up his volume; periods are discussed openly; Baymax gets advice on period products from multiple people, including a trans man; a guy asks another guy out. It’s very wholesome and validating, starting to see all of these normal things and normal people represented in the stories being told. And I loved that every episode was dedicated to “all out healthcare professional heroes.”

OTHER

ASSEMBLED: The Making of WandaVision – I love seeing behind the scenes of shows like these (I wish Agents of Shield could’ve had a series of episodes, one for each season maybe). I loved the cast and crew wide enthusiasm for the show and how that translated into their attention to detail: the use of era specific seating for the audience in the earlier episodes and the era specific special effects in order for everything to be as authentic as possible was really cool; the thought that went in to each theme song had my songwriter brain nerding out; it was very cool how they incorporated the use of television and elements of the related technology to bring the world and the reality of the Hex to life; it was very cute how, despite being sceptical early on, both Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany were so enthusiastic about incorporating the comic book costumes for the Halloween episode, and so on. The whole show looked like it was so much fun to do but I must admit, the part I’m always most in love with is how they use wires to make people fly; that’s something I would LOVE to do. I also loved hearing from the actors too, especially about their characters; I haven’t seen every single Marvel movie so it was nice to get some context for the characters I wasn’t familiar with. But I most loved hearing from Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany, both about the journey up to the beginning of WandaVision and then during the show. I love their passion for these characters and for the story they were telling. I only wish the writers had delved more into the story choices and the foundation of love and grief and so on because that’s what really pulled the show together for me.

Moving The Needle With Dr. Woo (S1 E3: Halsey) – I’m fascinated by tattoos and the reasons why people choose the ones they do and I love Halsey so I was so excited to hear about this (I would’ve happily binge-watched an entire series about all of her tattoos). I love what a deep thinker Halsey is and how open she is and she says some really insightful things throughout the episode, about how the world often decides who and what you are (and gives you very little room to evolve), about how different her life is from what she expected it to be and how that began affecting her choices, about how writing certain types of songs (because of the therapeutic nature of writing them) can create a warped perception of who you are and how that can make it hard to grow and change, about how tattoos anchor you to the past and can help you to remember who you are. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: I would love to just sit and talk to Halsey about anything and everything. I feel like it would be one of those conversations that you’d never forget. I thought her comment about being bisexual but people deciding she’s straight if she dates a man and how it can feel like “living behind this mask” was an interesting and important one. And while the context is different, I definitely relate to that description, being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world; it often feels like people aren’t seeing the real me, the whole me. Anyway. My favourite thing she said was this: “I need to start enjoying my life for what it is right now instead of mourning the expectation of a life that I was probably never meant to have.” God, I relate to this statement; I just haven’t figured out how the hell to let go of the life I thought I’d have. Halsey and I may be the same age (down to the day) but sometimes she feels so much older than me (but maybe that’s the late Autism diagnosis fucking up my life just as I was in that weird age where you’re no longer a child but you’re not quite an adult). Anyway. It was nice to hear her talk about her love of art and I love the idea that in a parallel universe somewhere, Ashley Frangipane works as a tattoo artist (maybe she still called herself Halsey or had a tattoo studio called Halsey Tattoos or something). Watching the actual process of the creation and tattooing was really interesting too; I love seeing how different artists work, especially when they work in artistic fields different from my own. I loved that, before it was even done, she absolutely knew that it was her favourite tattoo and how it felt like it had always been there.

Maren Morris: Live From New York – I didn’t even realise this Amazon Prime show was happening until basically the last minute so that was a very exciting discovery. It was so cool to hear some of the new songs ‘live’ so early and it’s always a joy to hear the old favourites like ‘Rich,’ ’80’s Mercedes,’ and ‘The Middle.’ Maren sounded great and looked stunning too. I also loved the stage and the whole aesthetic of the show was gorgeous.

Claire | The Documentary – I knew this documentary would make me cry and indeed it did. I remember watching her videos, donating to her gofundme and watching the total rise and rise, watching her Instagram live when she got the call from the hospital for the transplant, waiting for news, and then finally hearing that she’d died. Watching it makes me so sad because she was such an incredible person and she would’ve lived an incredible life because she saw just how much potential there was out there, but it also made me smile for the same reasons: she was an incredible person, she did live an incredible life, and she saw the potential in life. If anyone deserved longer, it was her. The documentary is a good summary – and reminder – of what she stood for and the message that she dedicated her life to sharing with people.

Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Return to Hogwarts – I grew up reading the Harry Potter books and watching the films so this special was very nostalgic. I loved seeing behind the scenes and hearing the stories from the set; I liked hearing about what went into making the films, how they talked about the different tones of each film (it was interesting to hear why the director chose to change the final battle – with Harry and Voldemort going off the tower and apparating together – but I still disagree with him). The few scenes with JK Rowling made my skin crawl but it did amuse me that they didn’t film her especially for the special, that they only used previous footage so that they wouldn’t have to. That entertained me. I loved how much the actors loved their characters and the whole experience. It was really sweet to see how emotional they got about it all: about being in the films, about how much the films mean to people, and how much they all mean to each other. I think my favourite part was the part about the Prisoner of Azkaban film, especially about the Shrieking Shack scene and between Daniel Radcliffe and Gary Oldman. I also really loved that they honoured the people who have since died, sharing stories about them and the impact they had. I found the whole thing very touching. After all of the awfulness that’s come from JK Rowling, I was worried about it but I think they did as well as they could: they included her as little as possible and focussed on the good that this fictional world has done for people.

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ASSEMBLED: The Making of Black Widow – I love seeing how films come together, what goes into making them, especially films with lots of action sequences and stunts. So I loved seeing the actors practice stunt fighting (they have a whole warehouse full of stunt fighting teachers!), seeing them learn their parts in the stunts, seeing how they create those sequences. I really liked the director, Cate Shortland, and the way she talked about each fight had a story; it wasn’t just mindless action to look cool. I also loved the amount of thought that went into how the Widows would be characterised, each retaining something unique to each of them, and how they would be trained, using choreography based on the Russian martial art Systema because of the visual connection to ballet, a call back to Natasha’s backstory. I liked hearing Florence Pugh’s thoughts on entering this world and on Yelena: “She’s a bit of a kid but she’s a lethal weapon,” which sums her up pretty well. And I loved that we got to see the process and the psychology behind the costume making process. One thing that I found really interesting was how different people saw different things at the core of the story: one person would say that it’s a story about sisterhood, another that it’s about control and the lack of it (Taskmaster being the embodiment of that theme), and another that it’s about pain and how you repair and live with the damage done. The story is, of course, about all of those things but it interested me what different people pulled from the story, what they saw at the heart of it.

So, while there were other pieces of media that I engaged in this year, this is a solid snapshot with the most important things. As I said, I’m currently reading The Good Place and Philosophy and I have a long list of films that I want to watch (I’m just very bad at remembering to look at it). I’m also currently watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (Season 24), New Amsterdam (Season 5), and Criminal Minds: Evolution, and I have a list of other shows that I also want to watch. I don’t know what I’ll get into next; I’m  still very much rewatching for comfort as well so I guess there will be more of that too.