Yes, I’m very aware that February is long gone but I really needed to write that last post and I just didn’t feel like I could post anything else until I’d gotten that out of my system. But now I have and hopefully I can post a bit more regularly; I’ve missed writing and posting here. As I said in my previous post, I’d planned to take a break at the beginning of the year, to complete some of my unfinished posts and to clear the cobwebs from my brain but then that obviously didn’t happen. But now that I’m writing again, hopefully I can get those finished up and get back to writing about some of the things going on in the present.

Anyway, back to FAWM…

I wrote eleven songs during the twenty-nine days of February, not quite meeting the February Album Writing Month goal of fourteen songs but I’m not worried about that. As you’ll know if you read my last post, there was a lot of stuff – a lot of very emotional, upsetting stuff – going on and so I’m pretty proud of myself for writing anything at all. But not only that, I wrote some songs that I’m really, really proud of. Over the month, I shared snippets of the songs on TikTok and, while I always enjoy sharing songs, there are some that I’d rather not talk about in detail, for various reasons. So I’ll write about a few of them and leave the others open to interpretation…

• Mess You Made – I’d been turning this song over in my head for a while before FAWM started but the challenge gave me the push to sit down and actually write it. I wanted to write about a past experience that had been really traumatic and how, even though you can get over and past the actual thing, it can be so much harder to get over how it affected you. I don’t care about the person who hurt me anymore – I honestly couldn’t care less about her and her life – but I’m still carrying a lot of trauma from what she did to me; I’m still working through it.
• Too Complicated – I wrote this song about my experience of repeatedly being called ‘too complicated’ by healthcare workers and the impact that that’s had on me and on my sense of self. On the one hand, it’s just scary to be told that you’re too difficult to treat and it becomes hard to believe that you’ll ever get better. But it also really messes with your head to hear, over and over again, that you are too complicated, too complex, too difficult. And then be tossed aside and forgotten about because of it. So I wrote about that feeling, which was a pretty cathartic experience.
• In The Trees – The theme of another challenge was to write about nature and I’d been thinking about that a lot, about how I could write a song that didn’t feel contrived or like it could’ve been written by anyone. There were lots of images I was inspired by, like Halley’s Comet and flowers growing through concrete and how nature always reclaims the urban landscape, but I hadn’t been able to turn any of them into a specific song. And then I remembered the urge I often have to flee civilisation and live in a cabin in the woods, away from people and overstimulation and conflict, etc. It’s a desire that I’ve heard from multiple neurodivergent people, which is interesting, so I wrote that song: escaping into the woods and the feelings that that thought inspired in me.
• Control – I’ve had this chorus in my head for a long time and I’d always thought I’d end up using it in a song about myself, about anxiety and feeling out of control. But then, in February, I watched someone I had always thought of as so steady spin out of control and take it out on me. It was an upsetting and painful and traumatising experience but it helped to be able to pour all of those feelings straight into a song, to express all of that anger and hurt and feel heard. If I had to list my songs in order of how therapeutic they were to write, this one would be high on the list.
• If I Could Go Back – I wrote this song, thinking about how I might’ve handled a heartbreak differently, how I’d potentially handle it if it happened now. At the time, I was still a teenager and it was my first real heartbreak and I was just floored by it. But now, years later, I’m less uncomfortable with being angry and so, while there probably wouldn’t be as much vandalism as depicted in the song, there would likely be more confrontation. It also touches on the idea of whether or not you’d still want to know someone regardless of how the relationship ended…
• Guilty Verdict – I’ve been thinking about this song for years. A friend of mine shared with me a traumatic experience she’d gone through and how the perpetrator has never been punished for it. That’s obviously her story to tell and I would never take that away from her but I’ve struggled with the heaviness of it all for a long time and so I would imagine various scenarios where he got what he deserved; in this song, I wrote about ruining his life and his reputation and ending up in court but there was no evidence to convict me and I used my testimony to accuse him publicly of his crimes. It was very satisfying to envision and then write but I think, if something ever did happen to him, it would potentially make me suspect number one.
• Go Ahead And Gaslight Me / Something To Prove (I still haven’t decided on the title) – During a series of very intense and emotional interactions in February, I felt very manipulated and gaslit by the other person (which was, obviously, an awful experience) but what inspired the song was that the breakdown of this relationship was how closely it mirrored a similar experience from years earlier (which I’d talked about with this person extensively). Back then, it took me a long time to untangle it all but, this time, I saw it all as it was happening. I was so angry and hurt that this person would treat me that way, let alone in the exact way they knew had been traumatic for me, that I wrote this song as a way of processing the end of the relationship because that was something I could never forgive; that trust just could not be repaired.

Writing a song on guitar

Writing a song on guitar with Izzy

Writing one song on guitar (left) and trying to write another song on guitar while Izzy watched closely (right).

Given everything that’s been going on, it was unexpectedly useful to have the external pressure to write because it forced me to work through my feelings straight away: all of the anger and hurt and grief was taking up so much space in my brain so it was… therapeutic, to a certain extent, to write about them while I was still in them. It wasn’t like there was much space for any other feelings so they were the obvious ones to draw from and write about. For most of my songwriting career, I’ve written about experiences and emotions after the fact – after they’re over and I’ve reflected on them pretty extensively – but the timing of this challenge meant that I was writing about these feelings as I was experiencing them, as they were ebbing and flowing, as they were evolving. It was a very strange experience but not one I regret (the writing process that is; I’m definitely not so sanguine about everything that happened during the month that inspired those songs).

In previous years, I would’ve been frustrated that I didn’t meet the official goal and probably would’ve beaten myself up over ‘not trying hard enough’ but I really have no interest in doing that this year; I don’t feel the need to either. I did say this last year but the circumstances were very different. My mindset around creating feels really different as of quite recently and I think there’s been a lot of growth. Creating feels exciting and limitless in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever felt; if I have felt it before, it’s been a very, very long time.