Finding HopeWorld Autism Awareness Day – Inclusive Quality Education For All
Posted on April 2, 2022
Given that the theme for this day was only announced by the UN a week or so ago, this isn’t as prepared as I would’ve liked; I would’ve liked more time to work on it, to organise my thoughts on the topic. ‘Cause this week has just been chaos, both in reality and emotionally: I had to leave my cats at a cattery, pack for my trip to the US, fly to Boston, go to a concert there, and then fly to Nashville, where I’ve been super busy. And all of that has been very stressful. So it’s not ideal but I’ve done the best I could with the time and emotional energy I’ve had.
Given that the theme set by the UN this year is ‘inclusive quality education for all,’ I thought I’d write a bit about my experience in education as a young autistic woman. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was twenty so, while my years in school were obviously affected by my being autistic, we didn’t know that that was the cause.
During primary and secondary school, things were pretty okay. I loved learning so that was never the hard part for me. I was shy – painfully so (P.E. and drama classes were cause for weekly distress) – and I was exhausted by being in school but otherwise I think it was fairly normal. For the most part, I was a high achiever: I learned to read and write well very quickly; I was top of the class in most subjects (some of which I tried hard in but some of which I seemed naturally good at); I was in my school’s ‘gifted and talented’ stream for multiple subjects. I was left to myself a bit, I think; I guess there’s a logic to the idea that you don’t need to help a smart kid be smart but then, in the long run, said smart kid doesn’t learn how to learn, if that makes sense. I picked things up very quickly so no one ever really taught me how to study; once I got to the harder stuff, I started to struggle.
Things were fine until sixth form college, when that problem really kicked in. But still, I pushed through: I worked harder, I exhausted myself further. But I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was stupid, that I was missing something; it never occurred to me that something like ASD meant my brain processed information differently, that the combination of the undiagnosed ASD and my all-consuming attempts to keep up were having a detrimental affect on my physical and mental health, or that I wasn’t being supported as I should’ve been. I had individual teachers who were kind and understanding but the institution itself offered no support at all. By the time I was taking my A Levels, I was so burned out and worn down that I was right on the edge of a breakdown. I ended up taking a gap year between the end of sixth form and the beginning of the university as I tried to get a handle on my spiralling mental health.
I went to the same university for both my BA and my MA (although with a few years in between), mostly because it allowed me to pursue my greatest special interest (songwriting) and study it in depth. I was diagnosed with several mental health problems during my first year of the BA and then ASD between the first and second year, which was when my university became more open to supporting me (it is worth pointing out however that I had to fight for almost every step because they simply didn’t understand why I needed what I told them I needed). They had what was called a Student Support Agreement that was supposed to be sent to all of my tutors before classes started so that they knew the difficulties I struggled with and what sort of accommodations I might need but I’d often introduce myself to a tutor and they’d have no idea what I was talking about.
In general, most of my tutors tried to understand; they were as accommodating and supportive as the university would allow them to be. They wanted to know; they wanted to understand; they wanted to make things easier for me (obviously not easier than it was for everyone else but to put me on the same level as my peers so I wasn’t disadvantaged). And while, I don’t mind – and even at times enjoy – educating others on Autism, it took a lot of energy to have those conversations at the beginning of every semester, sometimes multiple times. (It’s also worth pointing out that having those conversations can be really enjoyable when the person wants to learn but it can be a totally different story when you’re having those conversation out of necessity and the person isn’t really engaged.) It wasn’t until the last semester of my Masters that I worked with a tutor who was neurodivergent herself and it was a completely new way of experiencing education; feeling so understood and accommodated was amazing and that was definitely reflected in my work.
But while the individuals were open, for the most part, I felt like the institution wasn’t particularly interested in my experience as a neurodivergent student. It’s a small school so there were never that many of us (or there weren’t when I last spoke to them about it) because there weren’t that many of us in general and I don’t think they saw us as worth investing in (as in, it wasn’t financially worthwhile to educate all of their tutors on Autism and other neurodevelopmental conditions for just a handful of students) despite the benefits it could have for all of the students and for the tutors themselves.
Having said that, when I started the Masters I was introduced to the person brought in to support students with Autism and ADHD. I was feeling really optimistic about going back to uni – that progress was being made – but I hadn’t even known her a month when her actions triggered the biggest meltdown I’d had to date in the middle of a busy London train station, which was a traumatic experience. After that, I never heard from her again and found out from someone else that she’d transferred me back to Student Services without her ever saying anything to me. And all of that was with her training and experience. So I didn’t have a lot of faith in their efforts after that. I’m still talking to them though and I hope that I can still help them make the university experience better for neurodivergent students. They could – and they should – be doing more. With so many neurodivergent students dropping out of university, more needs to be done and I think the starting point is teaching the teachers.
I think it’s worth pointing out that I am in a fairly privileged position: I’m from a white, middle class family with a good support system and I went to good schools throughout my time in education. I was also able to go to university and had support from home that allowed me to do that in the way that was best for me. I was (and am) very lucky. But despite all of that, education has been an incredibly distressing experience.
Ultimately, everyone in education needs to know more about Autism and other neurodevelopmental conditions; knowledge and understanding is the only way that the education experience is going to get better for neurodivergent students. All of these institutions have been built on ableist foundations and I don’t have the answers on how to fix that but I do know that, without the knowledge, nothing will ever change.
Autism Tattoo Ideas
Posted on April 1, 2022
I have been thinking about and wanting to get a tattoo representing my Autism for a really long time now. There is a tattoo I want to get first because the symbolism is important to me but being autistic is such an important part of my identity and I would, at some point, like to get a tattoo to commemorate that. But figuring out what the right one is is taking a while and a lot of thought.
In my search for inspiration, I’ve now seen a lot of different tattoos representing Autism and I thought I’d share what I’ve found as well as some of my own ideas…
I’ve done a lot of searching and as far as I can see, most people go with the obvious symbols…
Puzzle Pieces:
The puzzle piece is definitely the most well known symbol associated with Autism, having been used by Autism charities and organisations for decades. As far as I can tell, most autistic people feel that the puzzle piece symbol is, at best, problematic and, at worst, offensive in that it symbolises something missing, symbolises autistic individuals as being less than neurotypical individuals. But despite this negative view, most of the tattoos I’ve found online involve the puzzle piece in some way.
Top left (x), top right (x), bottom centre (x)
As I said in my post about symbols associated with Autism: “Personally, I don’t hate it as a symbol. To me, the puzzle piece doesn’t represent something that’s missing; it represents the idea that we’re all puzzles and we wouldn’t be complete without every single thing that makes us who we are. We’re mosaics and we are who we are because of each piece that builds up the picture. I know many people feel that Autism isn’t just one piece and I agree but my point is that I don’t see the puzzle piece as something missing but as something fundamental. So I don’t hate it but I think it’s history – it’s original meaning – is too entrenched in society’s consciousness to ever really be changed. I doubt it could ever be a purely positive symbol at this point.” Personally, I wouldn’t choose it for a tattoo that represents my experience of Autism.
Infinity Symbols:
I’ve also seen infinity symbols come up a lot in the symbolism around Autism…
(x)
I understand why people like the infinity symbol and while there are some gorgeous tattoos out there (like this one), it just doesn’t really resonate with me as a symbol for Autism since it relates to so many other things. It doesn’t specifically represent Autism to me and that’s what I need this tattoo to do.
Rainbows:
Some people use rainbows to represent Autism, most likely a reference to the Autism ‘spectrum’…
(x)
While this is my preferred of the common Autism imagery, it feels too close to the LGBT+ rainbow flag. I’m queer and so I wouldn’t feel like I was appropriating the imagery but there’s a reason why these identities and causes have their own colours, right? Being LGBT+ and/or being autistic are both really important parts of who we are and I think, by using the same colours for these two identities, there’s potential for confusion when that’s the opposite of the point of these identifying colours and symbols. Maybe I’m overthinking it but it doesn’t feel like enough if it could be mistaken for something else.
Combinations of the Three:
Most of the tattoos I’ve come across involve at least two, if not all three, of these…
Left (x), centre (x), and right (x)
Some of them are really beautiful but none of them feel right and, for me, being autistic is so much about feeling that it has to feel right – beyond the idea that, if you’re going to have something on your body for the rest of your life, you’re going to want it to feel right.
Takiwātanga:
‘Takiwātanga’ is the Maori word for Autism and translates as ‘in their own time and space.’ This seems to be increasingly popular, I imagine because of the feeling of acceptance it evokes.
I really like the sentiment and I’ve seen some stunning tattoos that incorporate the word, the two above included, but I’m not sure it’s right for me. As much as I loved the parts of New Zealand I’ve visited – I think it’s the country I’ve felt most at home in – I’m not sure a word is what I want or what feels right for this tattoo when, so often, being autistic feels so difficult to describe.
More Unusual Ideas:
While the previous images and symbolism seem to be the most common, I have seen other beautifully creative ways of representing Autism…
To me at least, these tattoos seem more like the individual’s representation of Autism or something symbolic of it and I guess that’s what I’m looking for: my personal symbol or imagery representing my experience of being autistic. I just haven’t found it yet.
Ideas I’m Thinking About:
There are a handful of ideas that I keep coming back to so I thought I’d include those as well, just in case they resonate with anyone else. None of these images are exactly what I’d choose but they do illustrate the general ideas I have.
Circle of Three
The Circle of Three is a symbol for Autism created by Lori Shayew and Kelly Green to represent the different aspects that make up each individual person: “In light of the recent news that the rainbow is not an arc, but a circle. (Thanks for the proof NASA) It’s time to recreate the new model. Colours of the rainbow weaving in motion. We are recognised for all of our colours… It’s time to break down the spectrum (low-mod-high) and allow our innate gifts to bloom and flourish. Don’t we all excel at some things, but not in others? No big deal. We can jump from yellow to red to indigo to green and back again. Maybe then there are no colours, only light.”
(x)
I really like this as a similar but distinct variation of the rainbow and the way that it can be personalised according to each person: all you have to do is assign colours to different areas of your life – as you feel comfortable doing so – and then interweave them in a way that best represents you as a person.
A Whale
A long time ago, before I was diagnosed as autistic, I read the story of The Loneliest Whale – a whale who’s call is indistinguishable to other whales – and I’ve never forgotten it. I related to it at some level and that connection I felt has never gone away. I want to write more about this whale and how multiple communities have felt a connection to it and found solace in the story but now’s not really the time.
I’m not sure the whale alone would be enough to represent my being autistic but for me, that connection is there so it wouldn’t surprise me if the image of a whale found its way into my Autism tattoo.
The Use of the Rainbow or Colour Spectrum
Light and colour are important to me and to my perception of the world, particularly my perception of music, which is possibly the most important thing to me. So, the inclusion of a rainbow or spectrum of colour isn’t out of the question. I’m just not sure how.
Space
Being autistic, I feel so incredibly sensitive to the world around me. Sometimes it feels like I can feel the waves and particles in the air, the vibrations of every thing, the world turning, the frequencies of stars… It’s like all of my senses have been calibrated to be extra sensitive, too sensitive. And for some reason, that makes me feel weirdly connected to space and to stars. So the presence of these in a tattoo representing Autism would make sense to me.
Again, like the whale idea, it couldn’t exist on it’s own but I can imagine it as part of something bigger, although I wouldn’t want it to be a huge tattoo.
A Combination?
At this moment in time, the idea that feels most comfortable – feels most representative of my experience of being autistic – is something like this…
Something along the lines of these tattoos, but that involves some of the elements I’ve talked about or even all of them, is what I’m thinking about currently. But as I’ve said, I want to get it right so I’m taking my time to think through every detail and make sure I’m sure.
Getting a tattoo is not going to be an easy thing for me. I’m sensitive; sensory information is always loud for me. The sound won’t be easy. The pain won’t be easy (I’m sensitive to it but not afraid of it). The ongoing anxiety around COVID won’t be easy. So, yeah, it won’t exactly be fun. That’s part of the reason I want to get a smaller, simpler one first. But this is important to me so I am going to make it happen.
Do any of you guys have tattoos that represent being autistic? Being neurodivergent? I’d love to see them!
A Love and Hate Relationship with Autism Spectrum Disorder
Posted on March 30, 2022
Being autistic is complicated (to state the obvious). It’s never just one thing, in my experience at least. It’s not even one thing on one day, one thing in one moment. It’s good things and bad things all wrapped up together and while I can advocate and applaud ‘Autistic Pride,’ I’m not sure I’m there yet. But I can appreciate the good and the bad and so, considering it’s World Autism Acceptance Week, I thought I’d post something about just that: the good and the bad and learning to live with them…
Autism, as we know, is a neurobehavioural condition so the traits associated with it are right down in our wiring, just like the rest of our personality traits: being autistic is at the very core of us and everything else is built upon that foundation. There are some things about being autistic that mean a lot to me, things about myself that I love and value, including…
- A NEED FOR AUTHENTICITY – Obviously I can’t control whether or not other people act authentically but I need to be authentic. If I act differently to how I feel, it has a negative impact on my mental health and on my happiness. So, to be happy and mentally healthy, I have to act on how I feel and be who I really am and it’s in following that rule (for lack of a better word) that I’ve had the best experiences and created the things I’m most proud of. As I said, I can’t make that choice for other people but I do think that, on the whole, I get on better and make stronger connections with people who are authentic.
- PASSIONATE ABOUT THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME – If I love something, I love it with everything I have. I will fully immerse myself in said thing; I actually find it hard not to. That can sometimes make doing normal, day-to-day things hard because all I want to be doing is engaging with this thing I love but I’d rather love wholeheartedly than feel ambivalent about stuff.
- LOYALTY – When I care about somebody, I’m all in. I’ll do anything for my friends, sometimes to a pretty extreme degree: like, once I improvised travelling home from Nashville because my flight was cancelled and I’d promised a friend I’d be home for something or like, once I woke myself up every hour to check whether a friend who was in hospital had tried to get in touch because she was scared about being in hospital alone at night. Putting that much into a friendship or relationship does mean I’m more likely to get my heart broken (and it already has been) but like all of the things that matter to me, I’m never going to want to care less about people. I mean, on the bad days, sometimes I do – it would make life easier – but, as a person, I like that I care that much. It’s not always easy (or healthy) but overall, I always think it’s better to care more than less.
- STUBBORNNESS – I am stubborn as hell and sometimes it’s a pain; sometimes I can’t let things go even when I want to. But being stubborn has also gotten me through a lot of hard stuff and helped me make a lot of good stuff happen.
- IT GAVE ME PURPOSE – All I want to do is make the world a little bit better. That’s all I want. I hate seeing people unhappy or things not working so I’m always looking for ways to help and make things better but the world is a big place with lots of problems and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and helpless. But finding out that I’m autistic, that gave me a place to start and the more I’ve learned, the more I want to help make being autistic an easier, less harmful, and ultimately better experience. And that’s what I’m trying to do, whether that’s with this blog, my music, or by trying to improve the accessibility and understanding wherever I go.
But there are also things about being autistic that I hate, that I struggle with, that cause me problems, and upset me deeply. I know it’s not healthy to focus on the difficult parts (unless you’re, for example, working on something specifically in therapy or counselling) but I do believe that acknowledging the negatives is important and validating. Endless positivity is not helpful and can end up being harmful so here are some of the things that I hate about being autistic…
- LACK OF INDEPENDENCE – With the sensory issues, fatigue, mental health problems, etc, my independence is severely hindered. And as hard as I work to improve my stamina and my mental health and so on, I don’t know how I’m ever going to be completely independent. If it’s even possible. The idea of living by myself is one that I can’t even really imagine ever being realised. And with that being such a standard rite of passage that holds such weight, it’s hard not to feel inadequate or broken.
- FEELING FROZEN – I still don’t really know how to describe this feeling and I can’t say for sure what caused it or when it kicked in but I feel very stuck, particularly in the developmental sense. I feel stuck somewhere between teenager and adult; I feel all the pressure of being an adult but I also feel incapable of doing a lot of the things that make it impossible to meet all of those expectations. All of the things that impede my independence come into play here too, like my lack of energy and my issues with pain. Just existing is an exhausting experience; living as everyone else does feels like an impossible dream.
- THE SENSORY DIFFICULTIES (WITH FOOD IN PARTICULAR) – Sometimes just being is really hard. Every light is too bright, every sound is too loud, every smell is overpowering, every fabric is itchy… and so on. It’s not like that everyday, at least not for me. But it is like that a lot. And most of the time, it makes doing normal things like eating, drinking, going about my day, etc, just that bit harder. I would love to not be phased by restaurants for example: to not worry about the fact that there’s probably nothing I can eat, or potentially even drink, apart from water (and even then it usually has lemon or lime or cucumber in it). Even small things feel so complicated. I’d love to be able to just meet a friend for coffee and that be that but between whatever we eat or drink, how loud it is, and all of the other sensory factors (and that’s not even thinking about all the sensory stuff involved in the travelling), it’s just exhausting. And I wish it wasn’t.
- THE RESULTING MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS – While we will never know for sure, I (and the mental health professionals that I trust and have worked with for years now) strongly suspect that many of the mental health issues I deal with, are at least partly down to being autistic, and specifically, being diagnosed as autistic so relatively late. Anxiety, depression, OCD, BPD, and ADHD are all comorbid to Autism. Maybe some of them would have developed on their own but I’m sure the Autism did not help and the amount of distress that these problems cause isn’t something I can easily put words to. Every day is a struggle because of them. Let’s leave it at that for now.
- THE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, FROM EVERYONE (INCLUDING MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS) – Everywhere I go, I have to teach people about Autism, even the most basic stuff. From friends, to teachers, to doctors, even to people whose entire job revolves around accessibility. No one seems to know anything, or at least anything beyond the basic stereotypes. There’s almost no decent representation out in the world, in the media (which makes it very easy to feel alone and/or broken) – the vast majority of it is harmful. So many people still don’t even know that Autism manifests differently in girls. Autism is a complicated thing so I don’t mind helping people understand it, understand some of the nuance, but I hate how bad the general understanding is, especially when it’s people who should know better (when it’s part of their job, for example). This is why so many people are diagnosed so late and struggle so much: even the people who should have a working knowledge of Autism don’t and it’s really not good enough.
So, this was a bit more exposing than I’d expected when I started writing. But there it is. Almost a decade later and I’m still figuring out what it means, to me, to be autistic. It’s complicated and it’s hard and some days I’m really proud that this is who I am. I guess the goal is to have more of those days.
Finding Hope 