Discovering Cosmic Horror

A while back, my poetry group did a workshop based on the theme of ‘cosmic horror’ and I had, of course, signed up because I sign up to every workshop. The materials we discuss are always fascinating, the discussions are so much fun, and the poems everyone writes are incredible. I didn’t know what cosmic horror was but I’d been to workshops I’d known little about before and ended up writing poems I was really proud of. Still, I felt like I should do some research since I didn’t know what ‘cosmic horror’ actually was…


I spent several hours googling and searching on different social media platforms – sometimes I find someone describing something in layman’s terms easier to understand – but I wasn’t finding an explanation that really made it click for me. Then I came across this post on Tumblr…

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Reading this, I almost threw up because it explained a feeling I’ve had for as long as I can remember: that the world is horrifying and overwhelming and that living in it is all but unbearable. I don’t know when the pieces clicked together, what it was I learned that triggered that realisation but it’s one that I have never been able to forget even though I have no idea what the root of it is; every day it’s a battle not to be overwhelmed by it. I have never been able to articulate it but I feel like the ant described here. I’m full of emotions I can’t comprehend but can’t forget. I feel like I can’t be a ‘normal’ person ever again because once you learn what the world is really like, you can’t unlearn it. I feel ‘mad’ in the way this post describes. I feel like this ant, screaming and convulsing until it kills me. I’ve never seen or heard anything that comes so close to describing how I feel at the core of who I am as a human being. I can’t tell whether it’s more validating or triggering.


I don’t know how accurate this is as a definition or explanation of cosmic horror but it resonated with me so shockingly that I still feel rattled by it. The poetry workshop was excellent, as usual, and the poems written by the group really blew me away. I didn’t feel able to get that far into the subject matter – all of these feelings were still too raw – but I think I still managed to write some interesting pieces. I’d like to finish them at some point or take them in a different direction if the cosmic horror theme still feels too much.

It’s interesting to me that I found this just as I’ve started somatic therapy sessions, given that somatic therapy is about releasing the trauma you’re carrying in your body, knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t know where this terror of the unknowable, these existential fears, came from but maybe my body does and maybe this therapy will help because I don’t know how much longer I can carry this; an ant can only scream and convulse for so long before it dies.

Autism Dogs – The Application

It’s official! I’m getting an Autism Assistance Dog! These posts are currently quite out of date because I wanted to get well into the process before writing too much about it but now that things are really moving, there’s a lot to share!


I applied to Autism Dogs twice, first in September 2021. But a month later, I was informed that I hadn’t gotten past the application round. They got in touch though and said that there was nothing wrong with me or my application, just that they always have more people apply than they can take on every time they open up the application process; they only have so many dogs and so many people to train them.

Once that happened, I applied again in May 2023 and, this time, they accepted me and I moved onto the next round of the application process, which involved more forms and and an interview with two people who work for the charity. The main point of the interview was so that they could get a real sense of me as a person and of what I would need from an assistance dog but it also allowed them to gather more information, like whether we would be able to care for the dog, whether we could fund the training process, and so on. They had my application form so they already had a lot of information about me but the interview gave them a chance to ask more questions and for us – my Mum and I – to expand on the information we’d already given them. It also gave us the chance to ask the questions that we’d started to come up with. Going through this process, guided by autistic people and people who’ve had lifelong experience with autistic individuals, I just felt like they got me: no request or accommodation was surprising or irritating; many of my needs and sensitivities were already accommodated for; and there were regular check ins, breaks, and as much flexibility as the schedule allowed. It was the first time I’d experienced anything like that and honestly, it was amazing, if kind of surreal.

They signed off on me and so I went on to do a one-to-one video call with the founder of Autism Dogs. She was really, really lovely and we had a really long, really interesting and engaging conversation; we talked about the charity, about me, about all of this going forward, and she was very happy to officially welcome me into the program and begin the process of having me matched with a dog, provided we could meet the financial requirement of the application, which we had been planning for – especially since we hadn’t been accepted the first time but had been encouraged to keep trying.

It was made very clear early on that it’s not a speedy process, that you can be on the waiting list for a year to eighteen months. That was always fine with me because making sure that a person is matched with the right dog can’t be a simple process and, of course, I’d much rather wait longer for a better fit. If you and your dog aren’t a good match, the whole point of having an assistance dog is undermined: you won’t benefit from the relationship and support and your dog will struggle and ultimately fail to thrive as an assistance dog. I can’t imagine that it’s a situation anyone seeking an assistance dog wants to be in. As the months have passed, I’ve stood by that belief because I want this relationship to be successful and helpful to me in becoming more independent and and having a bigger life; I know that can’t happen if I try to rush the process. Plus I have multiple sensory sensitivities which ruled out certain breeds of dogs, again slowing the process because they had less dogs to select from.

We had multiple meetings – both over Zoom and in person at the Autism Dogs farm – but it wasn’t until twelve months after I was accepted into the program, in May 2024, that I was matched with a dog, a gorgeous black Labrador who is now well on her way to becoming my assistance dog.


As I said in the introduction, I’m quite a bit further down this road than the blog post suggests but I wanted to detail the whole process from the beginning with as much information as possible but in digestible chunks (as well as writable chunks) so that it doesn’t take forever to post – unlike my yearly album posts.

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NOTE: Between my brain fog and a WordPress update, I lost track of what was supposed to be the next post, the next step in the journey: discussing my Advanced Tasks list and meeting some of the dogs to get a sense of which breed I would be most comfortable with. That post is now up and you can find it here

World Mental Health Day 2024 (Mental Health In The Workplace)

Yes, my World Mental Health Day post is late but – somewhat ironically perhaps – my mental health has been so bad recently that, on World Mental Health Day itself, I couldn’t actually get out of bed or engage with anyone or anything. But I did want to share some thoughts about this day before we leave it too far behind…


I’ve been struggling with the themes for World Mental Health Day for several years now and this year turned out to be no different. When it was announced that the theme was to be ‘Mental Health in the Workplace,’ I could barely suppress an eye roll. It is, of course, a valid cause: anyone struggling with their mental health should be able to go to a designated person or department and get whatever support they need. But, if I’m honest, I feel like this is something that should already be in place, something that should fall under the Equality Act. I also can’t help thinking that mental health support in the workplace isn’t an area that an awareness day can actually create change around: that’s on each individual workplace. So, on a societal level, it requires very little work (and, in my opinion, nothing is likely to change – as cynical as that sounds).

And this brings me to my ever-growing frustration with World Mental Health Day: it feels increasingly performative. The themes and call to action are vague at best and, at this point, the day itself is just lacking inspiration and innovation. As far as I can tell, there’s no campaign, very little effort to fundraise, and – honestly – I wouldn’t even know it was happening if I didn’t have these days noted in my planner. Then the day comes around and it’s all empty, performative platitudes on social media before everyone forgets again. Cynical, I know, but that is my experience of World Mental Health Day every single year.

I also feel the need to point out that this year’s theme feels, at least, somewhat ableist: there is a massive group of people who are unable or who have never been able to work due to mental ill health and this theme excludes them without a second thought. The irony of this would be laughable if it wasn’t so depressing, considering how desperate the UK government is to force disabled and mentally ill people into the workforce – regardless of the damage it will do to this group of people. This callous, single-minded approach strikes terror in the hearts of every single person I know who is part of this community. This is an area where a focussed, passionate campaign from The Mental Health Foundation could actually do some good. Time and money and effort put into improving the mental health services and support systems, and therefore the mental health of those not currently able to work, would allow so many people to work, whether it be after time off or for the very first time.

Before we go any further, I do just want to note that, personally, I think that our current capitalist model of work is abusive and exploitative and damaging and that there are so many other systems that would benefit both the individual and the industry they work in but, for the sake of the theme and this post, we’ll continue on the basis that it isn’t as horrific as it is (otherwise I will literally spiral into a pit of despair).

The point I’m making here is that I don’t know anyone who’s been unable to work due to mental ill health, whether that’s for short or long periods of time, who doesn’t want to contribute in some way, whether that’s to a specific workplace or industry, to society as a whole, or simply to the needs of their family and community. The number of people on benefits who don’t feel any inclination to work or who are faking in order to get benefits is a lot smaller than we were brainwashed – by The Conservative Party – to believe. I fully believe that human beings want to help and create and contribute and, if the mental health services were better and allowed more people to access support, more people would be doing those exact things.

But, of course, helping those with life-altering mental health struggles is a lot harder and requires a lot more time and effort and money and, at my most cynical, I feel like these areas are being avoided by organisations like The Mental Health Foundation because they require a lot of all of those things. Real change requires more than downloadable social media graphics and tweeting clichés.

I’m tired of the performances, of the empty promises. Maybe it’s my autistic, black and white thinking but I just don’t understand why improving the mental health services isn’t a priority since ANY improvement would make a significant difference. This seems to be the most obvious, most efficient solution, even if it isn’t the fastest. Especially, as I said, ANY improvement would create positive change. And the more work that goes into these services, the more people they can help and, therefore, the more people there will be returning to the workplace (given that that seems to be the government’s ultimate priority, whereas mine is simply that more people are able to access support and hopefully improve their mental health, maybe even recover from certain mental illnesses). I’m sure it comes down to money – because it always does, doesn’t it? – but this seems like such an obvious solution with such clear long term benefits. I just don’t understand and I’m tired of workplaces, healthcare professionals, organisations, and government caring so little about such a big group of people that they are responsible for.


And because this has been a very cynical and depressing post, here is a picture of my dog – we all know how good animals are for our mental health, even if only for a momentary boost…

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