Posted on May 13, 2020
On the 12th of May every year, the Mass Observation Archive asks people to keep a diary for a day in order to capture the everyday lives of people all over the UK. This year, 2020, is the 10th anniversary but we are also living in the midst of a global pandemic, making this year a unique one, to say the least.
I’m a dedicated diary writer and have been for years so this is the ideal project for me. I love the idea of so many people’s experiences in one place, the idea of collecting as many versions of one day as possible and trying to build the fullest picture of it. So I was very excited to take part in this day, even if I’ve recently been floored by one of the most awful periods of depression I’ve ever experienced.
Some important things to know before reading this: I am autistic, struggle with depression, anxiety, OCD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. All of the symptoms get worse under stress. I’m halfway through a Masters Degree in Songwriting. I’m really struggling with the Covid-19 pandemic (particularly when it comes to my anxiety, with the fear that my loved ones will get sick), self isolating with my Mum, separated from my three other parents, my brother and my friends.
I slept badly, waking up at eight with my alarm. I’ve been trying to keep to my pre-lockdown routines and on a normal day, I would’ve gotten up and got to work on something but I had a throbbing headache, probably due to the restless night. So I buried my head under my duvet and tried to hide from the light coming in through my curtains.
Being a part time Masters student means I have an empty semester from yesterday until the end of September and I had all of these plans: practice the songwriting skills I’ve learned this year, establish a recording space at home, and get back to swimming, to name a few. But then the pandemic happened and we went into lockdown and all of my plans went out the window. I’m terrified all the time. Everything feels pointless. I can’t focus on anything. And my creativity – my ability to write songs – feels completely blocked. I’m stuck in this frozen state and I just feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like screaming and crying and hyperventilating but I feel like if I start, I’ll never stop. But even distracting myself is hard. I just can’t make myself care about a TV show or whatever. It all feels too big, like there isn’t enough space in my brain for anything other than this howling fear. And this has only been made worse by the government’s most recent, incredibly unclear statement about easing the lockdown. The idea that the government think this is acceptable when hundreds of people are still dying every day makes me sick with fear. I didn’t vote for them but I at least thought they cared about the people they were governing.
The only thing that I’ve found actually helpful in distracting myself is reading fanfiction. It’s something I’ve found effective as a relaxation technique over the last year, dealing with my wildly fluctuating mental health, starting my Masters, and this pandemic. It’s easier than reading a book because I’m already familiar with the worlds and the characters, which is a relief when I’m constantly exhausted by all this fear. Escaping into a comforting world is just that… comforting. So I spent several hours doing that, reading through old favourites from my teenage years when I first discovered fanfiction. It just gave me a break from everything. As much as possible, anyway.
Eventually though I got up and went downstairs. I thought that maybe working on one of my anxieties would help my overall level of anxiety so me and Mum went out into the garden to do some filming for a music video. My original idea is now impossible with the lockdown, which has been very upsetting because I was really looking forward to it, so I’m having to come up with something new, something that’s been difficult and frustrating because the original idea felt so perfect. I’m not super happy with the current back up plan but I need something. So me and Mum spent several hours filming [I’m omitting some bits here because I don’t want to give away the video if this is what we end up using]. I have absolutely no energy at the moment so I was completely exhausted by the end of it, even though I don’t feel like I actually did that much. I ended up falling asleep in the comfy chair in the kitchen, sleeping for a couple of hours.
I woke up, stiff and uncomfortable and just as anxious. Apparently trying to work through an anxiety didn’t help. Maybe I didn’t solve that anxiety, maybe all of this is just too big.
I had a shower and then settled on the sofa in the living room. There are so many things that I could be doing with my time but I just don’t have the motivation, the emotional energy. I just can’t see the point – what does any of it matter when hundreds of people are dying everyday, when people are losing loved ones, drowning in unbearable grief? It’s in moments of quiet that these thoughts overwhelm me and I feel my throat start to close up.
I dived back into fanfiction until dinner snuck up on me. Me and Mum ate in front of a Lucifer rewatch – for some reason, it was the only show that didn’t make me want to scream. We watched until we were both falling asleep, until the cats were crawling all over us for their pre-bedtime snack (otherwise they do their level best to wake us up at five in the morning). So we fed them and headed for bed.
It’s hard to admit – maybe because I’m twenty five and feel I should be stronger than this – but I haven’t been able to sleep without my Mum with me for weeks now, possibly longer. All of my mental health stuff is worse at night, particularly my anxiety. It just builds and builds until I’m in a panic attack or worse, a full autistic meltdown. Having my Mum with me, feeling her heartbeat and hearing her breathe, makes things just okay enough to fall asleep, although sometimes it takes a sleeping pill too.
If you’ve been keeping a diary or still want to jot down some thoughts about yesterday, I really encourage you to do so and send it to the archive. The page is here, in case you’d like to submit or learn more about this and their other projects.
Category: covid-19 pandemic, death, emotions, mental health, response, writing Tagged: anxiety, asd, autism, autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, autistic meltdown, autistic meltdowns, cat, cats, coronavirus, covid-19, day in the life, depression, diary, diary writing, fanfiction, fear, filming, hopeless, hopelessness, journal, journaling, lockdown, lucifer, mass observation, mass observation archive, mass observation day, mass observations day 2020, masters, masters degree, meltdown, meltdowns, mental illness, motivation, music video, music video shoot, pandemic, quarantine, singersongwriter, sleep, writers block
Posted on March 8, 2020
Happy International Women’s Day! The theme this year is #EachforEqual, based around the idea that we can all choose to challenge stereotypes, improve environments, and celebrate women’s achievements. “Collectively, each one of us can help create a gender equal world. Let’s all be #EachforEqual.”
So to celebrate the day, I wanted to share some of my favourite female creatives, from writers to artists to musicians. Having said that, these are all ‘smaller’ artists, artists that aren’t supported by major companies or big record labels and so on.
Laura Greenway – Laura is an incredible artist who I’ve known for a while now, after seeing her gallery crowdfunding page. She makes beautiful visual art and immersive art, based around various mental health problems. Her pieces are thought provoking and meaningful and I look forward to everything she posts about her art.
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Still so pleased with how our group show at @deptforddoesart came out. Here’s a shot of my three text pieces that were on show including the middle piece ‘Body Poems’ that features the poem I recited as part of my live performance. #art #artist #artwork #contemporarypainting #fineart #modernart #contemporaryart #contemporaryartist #textart #mentalhealthart #blackandwhite #mentalhealthawareness #bodystandards #poetryart #bodyimage #liveart #deptforddoesart
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Isobel Anderson and The Female DIY Musician – Isobel is an amazing musician and sound artist and I was lucky enough to have her as a tutor at university last year. She was encouraging and inspiring and truly motivating. She’s one of the best tutors I’ve ever had. She also runs a community that supports and empowers women wanting to be musicians, specifically those wanting to learn how to record and produce. It’s really helpful and positive, which is hard to find in such a male dominated industry.
Deerful – Emma is a really good friend of mine and she makes so many different things: music in many forms, art, loops, and so on. She’s incredible, skilled at so many things and I would absolutely love to work with her on a project one day. You can find her music here.
Aislin Evans – Aislin is another of my good friends and she’s an amazing songwriter. I love everything she writes. She’s also an actor, multi-instrumentalist, and mental health advocate. She’s doing impressive and inspiring work as a human being and I’m so proud of her and to know her. (You can find her music here.)
Laura Zocca – I’ve followed Laura on YouTube and social media for years and she’s a beautiful songwriter. She’s also a lovely human. Even though she’s now pursuing other career paths, she’s still releasing music, which makes me very happy. I’m still hoping for a few of my old favourites to see the light of day…
NADINE – Nadine is an awesome singersongwriter and I love her songs. I’ve been to several of her gigs and the atmosphere is incredible; everyone is picking up the words and singing along by the end of the first chorus. It’s magical. A handful of her songs actually move me to tears. She’s also a tutor at my university and although she only taught me for one class, she was great, really encouraging and thoughtful in her responses to our songs.
Write Like A Girl – “Only 17% of UK songwriters are women. Write Like A Girl aims to put female songwriting talent back in the spotlight – and inspire more women to create original music.” This showcase is so cool and so inspiring, full of amazing female songwriters. I try to go whenever I can and I would absolutely love to play in one of their shows at some point.
Liberty’s Mother – I’ve talked about Liberty’s Mother and the woman behind the project, Sophie Daniels, but I had to include her in this list. She’s doing amazing things (an EP, launch event, month long challenge) to raise awareness and money for the baby loss charity, Tommy’s. It’s so inspiring and encouraging to see someone use art and music to do such good for so many people.
Caitlyn Siehl – This girl is an incredible writer and her book, What We Buried, is one of my favourite books, poetry and in general. She writes beautifully: some of the poems are painful, some of them are joyful, some of them are so real it’s like they were written about your own life. It’s a fantastic book and you should definitely read it.
Rosie Powell – Rosie is an amazing photographer and videographer and I absolutely love her work. I’m so happy and so grateful that my first music video was done with her because she made it so easy and so comfortable when I was so nervous. I should probably post some of her other work but I wanted to post what we worked on together because I’m so proud of it. I would absolutely love to work with her again at some point.
Betsy Lane – Betsy is a light of a human being, practically a ball of positivity and sunshine, although that’s not to say she doesn’t bravely share her struggles and vulnerability. She’s a lovely human being and a stunning singersongwriter. I finally got to meet her and see her play a garden show a couple of years ago and she was just as sweet as I’d expected her to be. You can find her music here.
Lois de Silva – I’ve been friends with Lois for years, since we were about sixteen or seventeen. She’s one of the kindest, sweetest people I know and she’s an incredibly talented artist, in multiple forms. She’s done the animation for the last and an upcoming music video and they are so beautiful. Again, I’m so happy and so grateful to have had the opportunity to work with her and I’m so, so proud of the results, to have them be the visuals for my music. And again, I should share some of her other projects but I love the work she did on my song so much that I just have to share our current video. You can follow her on Instagram here.
Annerb – Annerb isn’t someone I know or have had more than the occasional Tumblr ask but she writes the most amazing fanfiction and she’s legitimately all I’ve read in the last year or so. The dedication to these stories, which are thousands of words long, is incredible and the stories are just beautiful. And even when the stories are tense, the reading of them and the familiar characters are very calming and really helpful with my anxiety.
Song Suffragettes – And while Song Suffragettes is the biggest person/organisation on this list, I had to include them because they are doing such incredible work for young, female songwriters in and visiting Nashville. They’re doing some really, really impressive work and the community they’ve built is so strong. I feel very lucky to be part of it, even in a really small way and from such a long way away.
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These girls. All incredible, all lovely, and all so special. I said this during the show but I wanted to say it here too: there was a moment when I looked around and I thought, “I’m drowning in talent.” But then I thought, “No, I’m swimming in talent.” It was a bit of an epiphany. As singers, as songwriters, and as women, we’re constantly compared and pitched against each other and after a while that seeps into your brain. So this show was a real reality check. What they can do doesn’t diminish me and what I can do doesn’t diminish them. I’ve always loved @songsuffragette for their mission statement but last night, it all clicked into place. We can exist in a highly competitive industry and still support each other. It is possible. #letthegirlsplay
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This list could go on for a pretty long time – I’m tempted to list every creative I know who is working hard and making beautiful things – so I’ll stop there but before I go, I want to give a short series of shout outs to some of my friends who are just badass creatives (several of whom I’ve mentioned before): Luce Barka, Francesca Morris, Charlotte Black and her platform Self Love London, Foxgluvv, and Tragic Sasha. The list was just getting too long but I wanted to mention them because they all really are amazing.
Category: book, favourites Tagged: aislin evans, annerb, artist, betsy lane, caitlyn siehl, charlotte black, deerful, each for equal, eachforequal, fanfiction, female creatives, foxgluvv, francesca morris, friends, gender equality, international women's days 2020, international womens day, isobel anderson, iwd, iwd2020, laura greenway, laura zocca, liberty's mother, lois de silva, luce barka, musician, NADINE, rosie powell, self love london, song suffragettes, songwriter, songwriting, the female guy musician, tragic sasha, write like a girl
Posted on December 24, 2019
This year has been a weird year, something I don’t really want to get into until I do my end of year review. But it has been a weird year and with all the medication changes and mental health issues, it’s only the last three months that are really clear in my memory. I’m very aware of being grateful – there’s so much to be grateful for – but having had such a fuzzy brain, I feel sure that I’m forgetting things, something that’s causing me a lot of anxiety. Pieces of the year are just missing from my memory, whether blurry or plain misfiled, and so I worry that there are moments in there that I should and would be grateful for if only I could get a grasp on them. But I can’t. So this is the best I can do. Please forgive me if I’m leaving things out.
My Mum – I always list (or shout out) my Mum because she is the person that I am most, most grateful for. Being the person I am with the disabilities I have, I couldn’t survive in any way without her and for that, for her presence, I am so grateful. She goes above and beyond to help me through the bad days and achieve on the good days and I’m just in awe of her. She is the most caring person I know.
Richard (my best friend and writing partner) – During the first part of the year, Richard and I planned an EP that we were both so, so excited about. And then suddenly, overnight it felt like, that excitement disappeared for me. It was replaced by paralysing anxiety, so bad that I couldn’t even talk about the project. It was awful. But we got through it and the EP – Honest – is now slowly being released, all of which is largely because of Richard, both practically and emotionally. And that’s just our working relationship. He’s always there to text me shitty jokes, to help me write songs when I’m banging my head against the wall, to eat sweets and watch The Good Place with. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
My Family and Friends – I often give a specific shout out to Mum and Richard because they seem to be the ones who most commonly see and help me with my bad days and my anxieties but the rest of my family have also been amazing this year. They’ve always been there when I’ve needed them. I haven’t seen many of my friends as much as I would’ve liked to this year. Between the depression, the trying of different drugs, and starting the Masters, it’s been a messy and complicated year that I will write about more in my end of year review. Hopefully I’ll get to see them more next year.
The animals in my life – We started the year with our dog, Lucky, and three cats, Lucy and her kittens, Mouse and Tiger. We’d dabbled with the idea of Mouse having kittens, just to do the kittens experience one more time, but just as I changed my mind – it was too much change and I needed everything to stay the same – we came home and Mouse was having kittens, despite the vet telling us the week before that she wasn’t pregnant. And now we have two kittens in the house, two black furballs called Sooty and Sweep. They’re gorgeous and them, plus the rest of the animals, have really helped me with my anxiety (which has been overwhelming) over the last three months and that has been so, so important.
My Masters Degree group – Starting a new course or a new anything is always scary and for me, the scariest part tends to be the new people. Fortunately, I’m doing my Masters course at the same uni I did my BA so that was really the only new thing. But I got really lucky: I ended up in a really small group and they’re all really lovely people. It feels like we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well and we’re all so supportive of each other. The groups are going to change somewhat after Christmas but it became a really safe environment, creatively and personally, and I’ll really miss it. I know I’ll still see them and our friendships won’t suddenly end but I’ll miss our little pocket in space and time.
My benefits being renewed – Given how scary the political climate in the UK has become and continues to become, I am so, so grateful that my benefits were renewed before the election and will last until just before the next election, regardless of what happens in the next few years. That was such a relief to learn. I don’t know what will happen after that but for now, I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier.
Red Bull – The major side effect of my current medication is this overwhelming sleepiness. When I told my psychiatrist about it, he said that it should wear off but that it could take months. I’d been drinking Red Bull to help me stay awake and help me concentrate; we discussed the fact that it’s not massively healthy but it’s his opinion that the sleepiness will wear off, hopefully within a few months and then I can give up my Red Bull habit. So we’re keeping an eye on it and in the meantime, Red Bull is my best friend.
Fanfiction – In times of great anxiety, I’ve reverted to a major hobby of my early teenage years. I read stories from every film and TV show I loved and wrote reams of the stuff. I’m not writing it this time around but reading it and getting lost in new stories from familiar worlds has been a very effective calming strategy. It’s made me feel safe. And it’s kept my creativity (always stifled by my anxiety) burning low, in the background, for when I’m ready for it.
His Dark Materials – I have been in love with this show from the first episode. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was so impressed by and excited about a TV show currently airing (I’ve fallen in love with shows after they’ve ended, for example). Daphne Keen is an incredible Lyra and Ruth Wilson blows me away every episode as Mrs Coulter. The sets, the CGI, the characters’ relationships with their daemons, the complexity of the characters, even the introduction sequence are absolutely extraordinary. I’m so gutted that the series is over but I can’t wait for the next one.
Taylor Swift – I’m pretty sure I’ve always mentioned Taylor Swift but I probably always will. Her songwriting is incredible, she’s one of the hardest working people in the music industry, she’s generous, she’s intelligent, and she’s exceptionally kind. She’s one of my favourite singersongwriters and her recent album, Lover, is so, so good: one of my favourite albums of the year, possibly one of my favourite albums ever. It’s beautiful and vulnerable and special. She’s also been saying some very smart and very important things during her recent press cycle:
And lastly, she’s fearlessly standing up for artists and their right to own their music. It’s a big, hard fight but she’s using her platform and her power in the industry (“as your resident loud person”) to try and change that. Of course, she’s personally affected by it but she could handle it in private. Except she’s not: she’s speaking out and working to create change. And as a new artist, I really appreciate that she’s trying to make the industry I’m entering fairer and less discriminatory.
I think I’ll stop there. I’ve got my Christmas wrapping to do and a Christmas tree to guard from some very inquisitive cats. I hope you all have a safe, happy, and healthy Christmas where you feel as special and beautiful as you are.
EDIT: Honourable mentions to Nashville and the lovely people there, Agents of Shield, and fairy lights. But if I keep going here, we’ll be here until 2020.
Category: animals, depression, emotions, favourites, holidays, medication, mental health, music, quotes, sleep, university Tagged: agents of shield, anxiety, benefits, best friend, calm, cat, christmas, christmas eve, dog, family, fanfiction, grateful, gratefulness, his dark materials, kitten, masters, masters degree, mum, music industry, nashville, new friend, new friends, personal independence payment, pip, red bull, relaxation technique, relaxation techniques, side effects, sleepiness, songwriting, taylor swift, tv show
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as several mental health issues. I’m a singersongwriter (and currently studying for a Masters in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is now available on iTunes and Spotify, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
I’m currently releasing my first EP, Honest, track by track and all five songs are now available on all major music platforms. However, there’s still more content to come…