Grateful 2022

TW: Mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts.

I think it’s safe to say that this has been the worst year of my life. I’ve been so depressed and suicidal and that has just swallowed up the whole year. And feeling like that, it’s hard to access gratitude, even when you know that there are things to be grateful for. So I’m trying, according to my yearly tradition, to focus on the things that I know I’m grateful for, even if I can’t always feel it properly.


My Mum – What can I say, my Mum is amazing. So much of this year has been so awful and she’s been with me through all of it; she’s never given up, even when I kind of wish she would. She has been my champion. She’s the best and I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve her.

My family – I’m not sure what more I can say about my family, about how great they are. I have not been easy and my issues have taken up a lot of energy and yet, they have been there for me, supporting me in whatever way I needed at the time without judgement. There are so many different things I could write about, moments I could mention, but the most important thing to say is that I love them, more than I could possibly express.

The friends who’ve supported me – I am grateful for all of my friends but I wanted to give a special shout out to the friends who’ve been especially supportive over this last year. I’ve felt very alone and when friends reached out to me, it meant (and means) a lot. They didn’t necessarily do anything (although a few friends gave me gifts this year that I feel utterly undeserving of but am deeply grateful for nonetheless) but they sat with me in it, whether that meant actually talking about it all or watching TV together.

New friends – Despite the fact that I haven’t been out much this year, I have actually made some new friends this year, which has been nice. The pandemic hasn’t exactly been conducive to meeting new people and neither has my depression but the new friends that I have made, especially the ones that I have some quite heavy stuff in common with, have been a gift.

The connections that survived the pandemic – There were friends and acquaintances that I didn’t see for a long time because of the pandemic, several of those in Nashville for example, that I worried wouldn’t be the same after so long. Part of that is just my relentless anxiety that maybe no one actually likes me but part of that is also that everyone has a life, has their own stuff, and went through a trauma with the pandemic; I wasn’t sure if some of my relationships would survive all of that and I wouldn’t have held it against them if they hadn’t. But to my surprise and delight, many of these connections did survive the pandemic and even managed to grow over the year.

The cats – I don’t know what I’d do without my gorgeous cats; I really don’t. They’re adorable, they’re snuggly, they’re funny, they’re comforting… The list goes on. I feel very lucky to have them; there’s always one around to cuddle up with or make me smile. Lucy ushers me to bed when I stay up too late and keeps watch until she’s sure I won’t get up again. Tiger headbutts me until I stroke her and then she purrs like I’ve bestowed the greatest honour upon her. Mouse is slowly becoming more affectionate, having always been less sociable than her mother and her sibling, and has started seeking us out for strokes and cuddles. Sooty gets obviously impatient if I don’t make space for her on the sofa and then instantly settles down, stretched out and pressed up against me. Sweep appears and flops dramatically on top of her mother, like they’ve been separated for weeks (and, bless her, still struggles with the cat flap occasionally despite it having been there her whole life). They’re all the sweetest of little souls and I love them dearly.

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Finding a private pool for hydrotherapy – It took many months and several attempts but we finally found a private pool that was a good fit for me to do my hydrotherapy exercises. Many of the preceding ‘failures’ didn’t allow me to do certain exercises or required travelling a fairly significant distance, so I am very pleased to have found such a gorgeous pool that has everything I need almost on my doorstep (plus the owners are lovely and their passion for decorating the pool for each holiday always makes me smile). When my routine is running smoothly, I manage to get there three times a week, which is great; sometimes it’s less than that but such is life. I’m doing my best here.

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The fictional worlds I can escape into – One of my main coping mechanisms this year has been watching TV shows, old favourites mostly, and reading fanfiction and escaping into those familiar, comforting worlds. They’ve been both an escape and a relaxation technique. They give my thoughts somewhere safe to go when everything else, inside my brain and out in the world, doesn’t feel safe, when all of that stuff feels like a terrifying minefield. I’m grateful to have these worlds to lose myself in, even if only for a while.


When I feel like this, like I’m drowning in my depression with these near constant suicidal thoughts, things to be grateful for feel like a double edged sword. Sometimes they’re things that make me feel like I can keep hanging on, even if just for a little bit longer, and sometimes they feel like weights tied to my ankles, keeping me here when I desperately don’t want to be and I have to admit I resent them for that. So it’s anything but simple. It’s good and bad and hard and confusing; I can feel differently, ten different times in a day sometimes. But these are the objectively good things in my life and I can recognise that. I wanted to honour them for that.

Mental Health Awareness Week 2021

So May is here and Mental Health Awareness Week has rolled around again. This year the theme is nature, which I was initially unsure about but after reading The Mental Health Foundation’s website, it made a lot more sense to me, even if I wouldn’t have necessarily made the same choice…

  • “During long months of the pandemic, millions of us turned to nature. Our research on the mental health impacts of the pandemic showed going for walks outside was one of our top coping strategies and 45% of us reported being in green spaces had been vital for our mental health. Websites which showed footage from webcams of wildlife saw hits increase by over 2000%. Wider studies also found that during lockdowns, people not only spent more time in nature but were noticing it more. It was as if we were re-discovering at our most fragile point our fundamental human need to connect with nature.”
  • “Nature is so central to our psychological and emotional health, that it’s almost impossible to realise good mental health for all without a greater connection to the natural world… During Mental Health Awareness Week 2021, we will pull together the evidence that demonstrates the powerful benefits of nature for our mental health. We will look at nature’s unique ability to not only bring consolation in times of stress, but also increase our creativity, empathy and a sense of wonder. It turns out that it is not just being in nature but how we open ourselves up and interact with nature that counts. We will show that even small contacts with nature can reduce feelings of social isolation and be effective in protecting our mental health, and preventing distress.”
  • “We have two clear aims. Firstly, to inspire more people to connect with nature in new ways, noticing the impact that this connection can have for their mental health. Secondly, to convince decision makers at all levels that access to and quality of nature is a mental health and social justice issue as well as an environmental one.”
  • “2021 is going be a huge year for nature: a new Environment Bill will go through the UK Parliament which will shape the natural world for generations to come; the UK will host the G7 nations where creating a greener future will be a key priority and a historic international UN Climate Change Conference of the Parties (COP26) will be hosted in Glasgow in November. There could not be a more important time to understand the links between nature and mental health.”

So, with all of that in mind, I thought I’d make a list of all the nature-related things that make me happy. The list started out pretty short but the more I thought about it, the more things came to mind. I could’ve kept going but I decided to stop before the post got out of control. We all know me and lists…


1. THUNDERSTORMS / RAIN

I love thunderstorms. I mean, I freaking love them. I love the thunder; I love the lightning; I love the pouring rain; I love how the air feels. I read that thunderstorms release negative ions into the atmosphere and that’s what makes the air feel electric and invigorating after a storm (x); I love that feeling. There’s something so incredible and powerful and emotional about thunderstorms; I don’t really know how to explain that response but that’s how they feel. They make me feel really alive in a way that nothing else does.

“There was a crash of thunder, the sky shattering right above our heads.” – Abby Geni


2. THE CATS PLAYING IN THE GARDEN

As soon as it starts getting warmer and drier, my cats are out in the garden all day every day. We basically only see them for meals. Most of the time they lounge around in the grass, soaking up the sun, or in shady corners, when it gets too hot, but they also play, which is just the most adorable thing in the world. They dig, they chase butterflies and bees, they pounce on unseen things, they bat at the wavy grasses, they chase each other, rolling around and leaping in the air… It’s so cute. It’s like nothing else exists, something that’s been a source of calm for me over the last eighteen months.

“Concrete is heavy; iron is hard — but the grass will prevail.” – Edward Abbey


3. THE BEACHES IN NORFOLK

I mean, I’ll take any beach going because I love beaches but the beaches in Norfolk have always been extra special for me. I can’t really explain it. Those beaches are one of the few things that make me feel like I’m in sync with the world when usually I feel like I’m not, like I’m on a different frequency to everyone else. But the sand, the sea, the sky, the air… it makes me feel more real. If that makes any sense at all.

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“Nature’s law is stronger than any little law you have made for yourself.” – Frank A. De Puy


4. MY YELLOW ROSES / MAGNOLIA TREES

When we moved into the ‘new’ house, there was a yellow rose bush and every year, it blooms magnificently. It’s utterly stunning with these huge, liquid gold roses and I fell in love with it from the first flower. I look forward to them every year and I love watching more and more buds open and practically shine in the sun. The petals are big and soft and gorgeous too. The plant itself is taller than me now and even as the family member least inclined to gardening, I’d do anything to keep it alive and healthy.

I’ve loved Magnolia trees since I was a child: my Granny had one in her big, beautiful garden and me and my brother used to climb into it (it wasn’t very big so we’d sort of climb inside it rather than climb up it), hidden by the flowers, and play in our massive imaginary worlds. I’ve always had a fondness for them ever since. Then there was a huge one outside my therapist’s office and it always used to make me feel better when therapy felt overwhelming and just too hard. We have one in our garden now although it’s still a baby and has a way to go before it’s a ‘real’ tree.

“Flowers rewrite soil, water, and sunshine into petal’d poetry.” – Terri Guillemets


5. SITTING IN THE SUN ON THE DECK

I don’t often sit out on the deck – I’m not very good at just relaxing and not doing anything – but when I do, I love the feeling of the breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin. The word kind of makes me cringe but it feels so nourishing. I have to be a bit careful though: for some reason, my skin seems only able to take a certain amount of direct sunlight before reacting, getting red and overheated (so far no one has figured out what causes it). But in small doses, I love it and I can almost feel an inner meter going up, like a health meter in a video game.

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect.” – Alice Walker


6. SWIMMING

While I’m not swimming in a ‘natural environment’ (especially with the pandemic, the water has enough chemicals in it to make your eyes burn), water itself is a natural environment so I’m going to include it anyway. Due to my chronic pain, swimming is currently the only exercise I can do – at the very least until my joints, strength, and stamina are better – and fortunately, I love swimming. As you can probably tell from the photos below. It’s always such a relief to get in the water and be essentially weightless, and I love being able to exercise and work hard without pain (even though I have been known to overdo it and suffer the consequences the next day). The whole experience makes me so joyously happy.

“I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.” – Henry David Thoreau


7. SUNRISES / SUNSETS

I’ve always loved sunrises and sunsets. I don’t think there’s an incarnation of the sky I don’t find beautiful but, being a person that feels so emotionally connected to colours (especially the ones we see in the sky), sunrise and sunset are always particularly special to me. And the more striking they are, the more I love them. Like this one below: it was an ordinary day made extraordinary by the sunset. The really stunning ones always feel like a rare gift. Photos never really do them justice but I often find myself coming back to this photo because I remember just how beautiful it was and how it completely took my breath away.

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“Clouds blaze brilliant colours in a sky on fire.” – Terri Guillemets


8. STARS / THE NIGHT SKY

I’ve been going out to watch meteor showers (especially the Perseid meteor shower in August) for the last several years and I love it. I love staring up, barely breathing as you wait for a meteor. Then suddenly one will streak across the sky; sometimes they’re so light that they’re like a white pencil barely touching black paper and sometimes they’re so bright, like a knife cutting through the roof of the tent and giving you a split second glimpse of blinding sun. I’ve only seen a few of those but they’re breath taking every single time. The whole experience is just magical. And just looking at the sky, I love how the longer you look at the stars, the more you see, like you’re seeing further and further into space. It’s amazing (although a little scary if you think about it too hard).

“The stars are the street lights of eternity.” – Unknown


9. NATURE DOCUMENTARIES

I know it’s not exactly ‘engaging in nature’ but I think it’s still staying connected to nature, just in an indirect way. It’s not like any of us can just jump on a flight and see these animals in real life on a whim so a documentary is the next best thing. Me and my brother used to watch all of the David Attenborough documentaries with my grandparents when we were little so they’re a huge part of my childhood; they’re probably a big part of why I’ve always loved animals so much. I especially loved the ones with big cats, although I never liked the parts where they killed other animals (I know it’s essential for their survival but I still don’t like watching it happen).

“Nature is new every morning, but its cycles are ancient, independent of all our anxieties, oblivious to our plans.” – Barbara Cawthorne Crafton


10. ICELAND

I’m not sure that this is something that really fits on this list because it’s not like a place you can just visit whenever you feel like it but if we’re talking about nature and the power of nature, then I have to mention my trip to Iceland. Seeing the waterfalls, the mountains, the glaciers, the Northern Lights… I’ve never felt as connected to nature as I did there. Even the air felt different as I breathed in and out. It was one of the most amazing places I’ve ever visited and I really hope that one day I’ll get to go back, one day when I’m stronger and fitter and can manage the more difficult walks and therefore see even more.

“Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.” – Frank Lloyd Wright


So here are ten of my most important nature-related things. If you made a list, what would go on yours?

The Mental Health Foundation has a lot of resources on their website for this week but they’re also issuing a challenge…

“During Mental Health Awareness Week, we are asking you to do three things: 

  • Experience nature: Take time to recognise and grow your connection with nature during the week. Take a moment to notice and celebrate nature in your daily life. You might be surprised by what you notice!
  • Share nature: Take a photo, video or sound recording and share the connections you’ve made during the week, to inspire others. Join the discussion on how you’re connecting with nature by using the hashtags #ConnectWithNature #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek
  • Talk about nature: Use our tips, school packs, research and policy guides to discuss in your family, school, workplace and community how you can help encourage people to find new ways to connect with nature in your local environment.”

EDIT: This post is in response to The Mental Health Foundation’s Mental Health Awareness Week theme of ‘nature,’ which is important when it comes to managing your general mental health, but I do think it’s important that we all acknowledge and are aware that managing your mental health is not the same as living and coping with a mental illness. I think, too often, they’re lumped together as the same thing when they’re very different. Maybe we need a different week or separate days for different conditions because whilst connected, managing your mental health and managing a mental illness are not the same and can require vastly different approaches.