Finding HopeAutism Dogs – The Second Playdate
Posted on May 3, 2025
My second playdate with Daisy didn’t happen until early October 2024 due to both us and Autism Dogs having had to reschedule at one point. But we finally made it happen and we were headed back to the farm to see Daisy. We had Izzy with us again to give both of the dogs another chance to get to know each other. And since this trip included two sessions over two days, we booked a dog-friendly hotel for the night before and the night between the two sessions; it was a Holiday Inn Express, which turned out to be a really good choice because it had a lot of my safe foods!
NIGHT BEFORE
Mum and I drove up to Stoke-on-Trent the night before the first day; we’d be starting early and we never would’ve made it up in time if we’d driven up the morning of. We got settled in our hotel room and although Izzy still struggled with the noises from the hall and the surrounding rooms, she did better than she had on the last trip. We had some dinner, chilled out with some TV, and went to bed early so that I could manage the early start the next morning.
DAY ONE
We were up and out early to get to the Autism Dogs farm in time for our session with Daisy. I’m always so excited to see her and work with her again but I do find it quite nerve-wracking: there’s just so much to learn and remember and I get so anxious about doing things wrong that it can get pretty overwhelming at times.
Izzy and I waited in the paddock while Mum let them know we’d arrived and then returned with Daisy and one of the trainers. Izzy was definitely more excited to see Mum than she was to see Daisy. Having Izzy present for these sessions would hopefully allow the two dogs to get more comfortable around each other; starting out in the paddock gave them plenty of space to move around, to set boundaries and test them, and we even got them walking together after a while.
Then, in the training room, we used the smaller space to try and build on that. We encouraged them to interact a little bit more but just existing calmly in the same room together was a positive step forward, considering how they’d just barked at each other during the previous session. They did well: progress was definitely made and they were very cute to watch. They were still struggling with competing for my attention – and getting jealous when I engaged with the other – but I would’ve been surprised if we’d managed to solve that in two sessions: Izzy has practically been glued to me since I got her and, of the time I’ve spent with Daisy, she’s rarely had to share me. So neither of them are keen on the other being with ‘their person.’
I also did some more lead walking practice with Daisy – I find the multi-tasking aspect of it really difficult so I wanted as much practice as I could get – and, to my surprise, it did feel easier this time. That was a big relief to me: I find it really easy to spiral about not being good at any of this and finding it so overwhelming, so to tangibly feel that progress was definitely reassuring.
We spent the rest of the session in the training room, just hanging out and letting everyone get used to each other. It was a chance not just for me and Daisy to bond but for my Mum and Daisy to build a relationship too, for Daisy and Izzy to get more comfortable together, to reassure Izzy that everything was still the same with Daisy around… It’s obviously easier for me and Mum while the dogs need a lot more reassurance and rewarding for every positive interaction. As you can see from the photos below, Izzy still wasn’t convinced and really just wanted me to herself but this is all still very new to her and so it’s going to take time. At the very least, they were a lot less bark-y, which my ears were very grateful for.
Ever since The Eras Tour ended in August (I know I haven’t written about that experience yet but I do want to – the brain fog has just been brutal), I’ve been feeling bereft of making friendship bracelets and so I’d been making as many as I could for the staff at the farm. I’m not sure how many I ended up making up in the end but I left them there that afternoon to be passed around during the afternoon, evening, and the next morning. I’d made a personalised set for myself and for Mum and then for Caroline (the founder and CEO) as well, as a thank you for all of her support.
Back at the hotel, I had to have a nap, exhausted by the intensity and focus of the playdate, and then Mum and I checked out the hotel’s pool. It was small (which was fine) and busy (which wasn’t ideal) but I got to stretch, do some of my hydrotherapy exercises, and get some gentle exercise, which definitely helped my chronic pain. The amount of time I spent scrunched up in the car on the drive to and from the farm isn’t great for my body as a person with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome so having access to a pool was really great.
Between the playdate and the swim, I was completely exhausted – even with my nap – so we had a quiet evening. We had dinner (with an awesome chocolate pudding!) and cuddles with Izzy in front of Red Eye before going to bed early since we had an early start the next day.
DAY TWO
The second day began earlier than the first day, which was a bit of a struggle for me since I hadn’t slept particularly well (which I generally don’t when I’m away from home). But we made it and began the playdate in the paddock, giving Daisy and Izzy a chance to get reacquainted: they were much calmer than the day before, which was reassuring and pretty cute.
Then we headed inside and went over some of Daisy’s commands again, which was really good because there are a lot of things to remember and in the time between playdates, I’d worried that I’d forgotten all of it. But having said that, I felt like I’d retained a lot more than I’d thought, which was very reassuring. That was actually good timing because, on that particular day, Daisy wasn’t at her most well-behaved (I think she was just overexcited). That sounds odd to say but it meant that I got to see how the trainers correct the undesirable behaviours and regain the dog’s focus and then practice it myself. Again, it’s really good knowledge to have but I was exhausted! I was learning a lot, learning it fast, and having to concentrate and process information really fast; it was hard work. In hindsight, we probably could’ve taken it a bit slower but between my anxiety about learning everything and just getting caught up in everything, that didn’t occur to me until later.
After that, we had a break and I got to have some good cuddle time with Daisy, which I always look forward to: she’s so gentle and sweet and affectionate – once she’s settled down a bit and worked off her excitement! I was so tired that I practically fell asleep curled up with her and could’ve happily stayed like that for the rest of the day.
After the break, we were headed out to the paddock but, before we went outside, I was shown how to get Daisy’s slip lead – her working lead – on quickly and efficiently. I needed to watch it a few times but once I had all of the steps in my head, I actually didn’t find it too difficult; I even managed to do it smoothly on just my second try. That was very pleasing, especially since I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m just not very good at any of this (regardless of whether it’s objectively true or not – or the idea that I’m still learning and it’s the practice that makes you good at something).
Out in the paddock, we did some recall practice, which Daisy did struggle with initially; she is, after all, very used to doing recall with the trainers. But once she realised that I had treats and made a huge fuss of her when she came to me, we had it down. I had to laugh: labradors are so predictable when there’s food in play.
Then we went out into the lane to practice her lead walking, which is how she’ll walk with me when we’re out in public, when she’s working: she stays close to my body and keeps her attention on me and (at least at this point) I reward her whenever she makes eye contact with me, checking in. It was actually starting to feel a bit easier and not so overwhelming, which definitely felt like an achievement.
That was officially the end of the day but the farm did have a relatively new litter of puppies that they will hopefully be training to be more Autism Dogs and I got to spend a little bit of time with them before we left. They were gorgeous in that way that puppies just are, especially Labrador puppies in my opinion; they were all soft and warm and snuggly. And for some reason, they smell amazing. I was besieged by them the moment I put my hands in the pen and although my Mum joked that I couldn’t kidnap one, I think the real danger was them kidnapping me: they just attached themselves to my jumper and every time I peeled one off, another had got their teeth into it, and eventually I had to be rescued because two hands just weren’t enough. They were utterly divine though and I had some lovely cuddles, which just gave me such a serotonin boost.
The sessions are pretty intense and require a lot of mental energy at the very least so it was a really nice way – the perfect way – to just decompress for a couple of minutes before getting back in the car and getting on the road. I would’ve been content to spend hours with them but eventually Mum pulled me away and we said our goodbyes, got in the car, and headed home. It was a very long drive after some very long and tiring days but it really did feel like progress is being made, despite my anxieties trying to tell me otherwise.
So that was the second playdate! Even though it was obviously more tiring to do two days in a row, I did really start to feel like I was making progress and I felt more confident with two back-to-back sessions under my belt. I have no doubt that I’ll probably get super anxious again with no way to practice the skills between the playdates but I’ve also now had proof that, even when I feel like I’ve forgotten it all, they’ll come back as soon as I was using them again.
Next up, my first sleepover with Daisy!
Autism Dogs – The First Playdate
Posted on April 16, 2025
My first playdate with Daisy – in early July 2024 – came at the end of a very long, busy week and I was absolutely shattered but I wasn’t missing the opportunity to see Daisy again. The playdates are blocks of time where you get to spend time with your dog and start building the relationship that will help them to be the best assistance dog they can be for you. You also learn all of the commands that the dog has already been taught and start practicing them so that you can get comfortable using them and the dog can get used to responding to you. I was both excited and nervous, having officially matched with Daisy.
For this trip, it was Mum and I took Izzy so that Izzy could meet Daisy for the first time. On the previous trip, it had just been my Mum and I: we had been meeting Daisy for the time time, to get to know her a bit and to decide whether or not she would be a good fit for me and for us as a family (spoiler alert: she is!) plus Daisy had had a cough and we’d all agreed that we’d wait until the first official playdate for the two of them to meet.
We started the playdate in the paddock, just me and Mum and Izzy, and then one of the trainers brought Daisy out to meet us. She was so adorable and so excited, practically jumping up and down like she was on a trampoline. The moment the two dogs first saw each other was… A Lot. Izzy was barking. Daisy was barking. I was so glad I had my Loops in because they were very loud. I think Izzy didn’t like another dog encroaching on her person (me) and I think Daisy was just barking because she didn’t understand why Izzy was barking at her when she wasn’t doing anything wrong as far as she could tell. The trainer advised us to let them sort it out between themselves – let them set their boundaries and let them test those boundaries – and let them just get to know each other, something that was easier for them to do in an outside space since it gives them plenty of room to get closer and back off and so on. Based on that first meeting, it’s definitely going to take a while for the two of them to get used to each other.
After some solid time in the paddock, we went inside and I got to have a good cuddle with Daisy, which was lovely. Izzy clearly found that quite hard. While I was reconnecting with Daisy, she did at least have my Mum as a safe space but we also let the two dogs roam around the room and try to figure out how to exist together in a smaller space and figure out how to share me, essentially. That’s certainly going to take some time but we were reassured that it often takes an existing dog and a new assistance dog a while to build a relationship of their own; we just need to give them time and reward them for every positive interaction.
The next part was watching as one of the trainers ran through all of the commands that Daisy has learned so far. It was very cute: she was so eager to please (and to get a treat) that she was very enthusiastic in her responses, sometimes even anticipating them. Then it was my turn to try them all. I have to admit that I found it really hard: there were commands that I’d never used before, different ways to respond depending on how Daisy completed a task, and remembering which hands to use for different commands, etc. And, of course, Daisy knows them all so well that she’d often preempt me, which was very cute but didn’t exactly help me practice the commands. So it was hard, confusing and more than a bit stressful – it was a lot of information at once – but Daisy was so good and so eager to please and there was still plenty of time to go over it all so I wasn’t too worried.
After that, we went outside onto the lane and I was shown how to walk Daisy on a lead as a service dog, compared to how you would walk a pet dog (although she will get that too since there will be many situations, such as daily walking and exercising, where she will walk on a lead like a normal dog). It was a struggle! There are so many components going on at the same time, so many things that you need to remember: I have to check that she’s consistently looking at me and checking in; I have to remember what each of my hands are supposed to be doing; I have to remember when to reward her (while still walking, which I struggled with A LOT). I also have to make sure not to trip over something, or fall over my own feet, or walk into a hedge. Plus Daisy is a dog and she does get distracted so I do have to keep her on task, even if – for the most part – she was incredibly well behaved. Trying to hold onto all of those things at the same time was a real struggle and definitely the most stressful part so far; it is going to take A LOT of practice.
We also spent some more time in the paddock and practiced recall. Since her name had been changed from River to Daisy, the trainers had been spending a lot of time teaching her her new name. Apparently she’d picked up really quickly, which was good to know; the trainer we were working with that day said that they’d all had more trouble with it then Daisy herself had! We also gave Izzy and Daisy another chance to hang out in a big, open space and that didn’t go too badly. There was definitely less barking and they did manage to get closer to each other without Izzy in particular getting freaked out; they were also a little better about the other getting close to me. It was really interesting to watch them try and figure each other out and although it will definitely take a while for them to build a relationship, it felt like they made progress even in that one day. They even had a very brief nose-to-nose before Izzy decided that that was a bit too much too fast and it only resulted in a couple of barks. Izzy will be coming to future playdates so they’ll have more opportunities to get used to each other.
And that was the end of our play date! I think it went as well as it could have. I was quite overwhelmed by how much there is to know and how much there is to remember all at once, but there’s time to get used to that. There’s time to learn. So I’m not worried, just a bit overwhelmed. Me, Mum, and Izzy caught the train home, all three of us exhausted. We stopped in London to have dinner with one of my parents before getting in the car and driving home. I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved to get home and lie down in my bed; I was absolutely beyond it, physically and mentally.
I basically spent the next few days sleeping; I was beyond exhausted, both from the playdate and the week leading up to it – I’d been part of a team putting on a symposium that I’d then presented at and then I’d worked on the team for a conference the next day, both at my old university. I’d held it together for the playdate but after that, I just crashed. I assumed that the exhaustion and general feeling of unwellness were due to completely overdoing it during that week but then, just to be safe before going out, I took a COVID test and tested positive. I was pretty confident where I would’ve caught it and apart from the playdate, I hadn’t been anywhere or seen anyone (other than my Mum who somehow managed not to catch it from me) so we got in contact with Autism Dogs and let them know; as far as I know, no one there had tested positive, which was a real relief. So hopefully it was only me that suffered and fortunately, my experience of it wasn’t that bad. I was honestly more annoyed that I’d broken my streak of NOT catching COVID, almost five years after news of COVID started spreading. So, for that, I’m very grateful.
Up next is the second playdate!
Grateful 2024
Posted on December 31, 2024
TW: Mentions of therapy trauma and self harm.
I know I usually get this post up on Christmas Eve but I just haven’t been able to keep up with my old schedule this year; between the exhaustion from my erratic sleep schedule and my ADHD outdoing itself in fucking up my concentration, writing has been taking a lot of time and energy. I still love it but suddenly it’s just taking so much effort, in all forms, and that has massively slowed down my ability to finish anything. But there has been a lot to be grateful for this year and so I really wanted to get it down, no matter how long it took.
MUM – I know I specifically list my Mum on my ‘Grateful’ lists but it never becomes less true; I never become less grateful. I find more reasons with each year. The support she has given me this year, in good times and in bad, has been amazing: she made it possible for me to move through the Autism dog process, go to concerts, take up opportunities that I would never have been able to participate in otherwise. She’s supported me through meltdowns, the days that I couldn’t get out of bed, everything I’ve needed to make the music I’ve made this year, helping me to find the people who can support me in my mental and physical health… I couldn’t do any of this without her.
FAMILY – Not that I would ever call my family unsupportive but I feel like there have been specific instances this year that have felt new and different, in the context of the way they support me: help with applying for grants, help with getting my academic paper ready for publication, help with the Autism Dogs process, help with going to see Taylor Swift, help with finding a new therapist, even rescuing me when I’ve gotten stranded mid-meltdown… They listen to me; they know when to push me when I need it and let me stop when I need to stop; they remind me to rest (something I’m notoriously back at). My health, both physical and mental, has been so bad this year that I’ve really needed them and that change has created more change. The dynamic feels different than it has in the past and, for the most part, in a positive way; there’s room for growth.
THE FAMILY OF CATS – The cats have been a bit distant since we got Izzy. They find Izzy a pest at the best of times and so they’ve stayed away from her and therefore us as Izzy is usually with me and/or Mum. But over the last few months, they’ve started to stray from their ‘safe space’ in the kitchen and further into the house. They’re now sleeping in my room and the living room and even asking for attention, which feels like such a big win. They still avoid Izzy for the most part because she can be so excitable and unpredictable in her playfulness but we definitely have progress from the beginning of the year.
IZZY – Although she can be a little menace at times, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without Izzy in my life. I think she may well have saved my life when we got her last summer and somehow I love her even more than I did then. I love her more every day. She’s a constant presence – a constant soft, warm heartbeat – beside me and as bouncy and hyper and playful as she can be, she can be just as gentle and affectionate and sensitive; whenever I’m upset or even having a meltdown, she presses herself as close to me as possible and even licks away my tears. All she wants to do is make it better and even though it’s rarely something she can affect at all, her belief that she can and the effort she puts in can make me feel at least a little less awful.
AUTISM DOGS – While the process of working towards my Autism Assistance Dog, Daisy, and the anticipation (and, I will admit, anxiety) of waiting to see how it all plays out when she arrives, it’s also been really exciting and such a learning curve. Even though I swing backwards and forwards into various big doubts, the staff have been incredible at reassuring me and, if it’s a practical anxiety, showing me what to do to make me feel more confident. Daisy is utterly gorgeous and so eager to please and very sensitive to my needs already; I don’t know what I’m going to do if, mid-cry, I have two dogs launching themselves at me… Izzy and Daisy are getting on better but Izzy is still very possessive of me and I just have to hope that when they get to spend some significant time together (i.e. more than ninety minutes at a time), they’ll find it easier to figure out each other’s boundaries. So there’s a lot of joy there, even if there’s also a lot of anxiety. And getting to meet so many dogs has been so lovely – once there was even a litter of puppies!
OLD FRIENDS AND NEW FRIENDS – My friends and the love I have for them has been a consistent thread throughout this year. I’ve spent a lot of time, in real life and over the video calls if travel was tricky, with friends from all different periods of my life – something I feel so incredibly lucky to have. I’m still friends with my best friend from secondary school, from sixth form, from my BA, and my MA group of friends; it’s something that makes me so emotional, that we’ve managed to maintain these friendships over all of this time, despite everything that’s happened in our lives, and pick up – pretty much – as if no time has passed. Being able to share my life, hear about theirs, and hopefully support them as much as I’m able to through tough times is one of the greatest honours of my life and I can only hope that I’ve been clear enough about how much they mean to me. Their circles have broadened my circle too and that’s also been really lovely.
And due to the wedding of a friend from sixth form (she, Lois, animated a gorgeous music video for me and we’ve kept in touch sporadically over the years), I had the opportunity to see so many old friends from sixth form, many of whom I haven’t seen for years. Because of the pandemic, going to universities all over the country, traveling and moving abroad, we haven’t all been together for a really long time so I was positively giddy to see so many old friends. Life just gets so busy and with everyone scattered across the country and beyond, it hasn’t always been easy to stay in contact but, as I said, it was an absolute joy to see everyone again and I spent most of the evening hugging one person or another (apart from the solid twenty minutes of Taylor Swift music where I danced so hard that I nearly died at the end of it). There were so many exciting updates from everybody and it was just so nice to be together again. Hopefully it won’t be as long as last time before we can hang out together again.
I’ve also made a whole new group of friends, due to joining an online poetry group. What was such a casual decision has completely changed my life: my love of poetry and my creativity has grown exponentially but, more importantly, I adore the other members of the group. They’re all so kind and brave and creative and they make me feel understood and supported and safe. There’s a lot of overlap in mental illness, neurodivergence, disability, and chronic illness so we share a lot of experiences and common ground so we constantly support and ground and educate each other. Finding them was a complete fluke and now I miss our writing sessions if we go more than a week without one; they came into my life just when I needed them and I couldn’t be more grateful.
NASHVILLE FRIENDS – It was SO lovely to see my friends in Nashville when I was out there in late March-early April. And by some wonderful cosmic timing, I happened to be there the same week that my friend, Candi Carpenter, was releasing their debut album, Demonology (which is fantastic). And because they were also putting on a release show – and afterparty – lots of their friends and people who have become my friends online were all flocking to Nashville so I got to see loads of lovely people, some in person for the first time. If it hadn’t been for that, I’m not sure I would’ve seen my friend Kalie Shorr (who is also an incredible songwriter and artist) so I was very grateful for that and we had a blast at Candi’s release show and even managed to fit in a coffee and a catch up while we were both still in town. In some ways I got to see a lot of Candi – at their release show, at the afterparty, and then at another show they were playing later in the week – but they were obviously very focussed on getting the album out (completely understandably) so we really didn’t get much time at all to just hang out and catch up but it was so incredibly special to be at their show and celebrate the album and then be the super annoying fan whooping from the front row at the second gig. I truly would’ve been gutted to miss the release show: I’m pretty sure it was one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. So the time I did get to see Candi was very precious. And I also got to see Caylan, my very oldest Nashville friend, and we got to have a really lovely catch up and managed at least one Pancake Pantry outing. While my previous Nashville trips have been much more focussed on Tin Pan South, this trip ended up being much more focussed on my friends, although I did manage to get to see some of my Nashville faves, like Ingrid Andress.
ESCAPISM – While there were some really great days this year, there were still a lot of bad ones and still a lot of really, really terrible ones and I’m grateful for the escape that various activities have given me. I didn’t read much this year – my ADHD, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, etc was brutal this year – but diving into films and TV really got me through some of the tough times. Film wise, A Quiet Place: Day One was so much better than I thought it would be, considering how many times alien invasion films have been done and the fact that the main characters weren’t in it; I thought the lens through which they told the story was really moving. I also watched Fitting In and The Fallout and found both of those really powerful; they’re both the kinds of stories that we need to be telling and learning from because they dig into really big subjects and don’t always follow the storyline you expect them to, which often makes them much more true to real life. Oh, and I loved the most recent film from The Hunger Games franchise, The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (which I did actually also read). I really didn’t expect to like it because I really wasn’t interested in a story with Snow as the protagonist but I ended up finding it fascinating and enjoying it more than the original trilogy by far; Rachel Zegler and Viola Davies were, of course, also fantastic and I think it’s one of the most beautiful and visually interesting films I’ve seen in a really long time. (I also watched The Trap, which I recommend nobody watch ever – it’s actually amazing how terrible a film can be.) TV wise, I got back into Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, which was really nice because I love Olivia but was so bored of the storyline and Elliot features when I sort of tuned out; I’ve been enjoying the recent series a lot more. I also loved the new season of The Lincoln Lawyer and the new season of Criminal Minds: Evolution was better than I ever imagined possible: I’m honestly still obsessed with it – the character arcs, the acting, the greater plot, the strings left untied – and I can’t wait for the next one. I really got into Nobody Wants This, A Man on the Inside, and Black Doves (I’ve never seen Keira Knightly so good and I may never get over the relationship between her and Ben Whishaw’s characters) and I’m really excited that all three of them have been renewed for another season because I just want more! I also really enjoyed Red Eye – which was on ITV and I think was just a standalone series – with its amazing cast, acting, and storyline; it was really compelling right from the beginning and it was able to stay high stakes while still being clever and interesting and actually quite moving. And, of course, I found escape in music: I got really into both Beth McCarthy and Gracie Abrams because of their new releases this year; I was and still am, of course, obsessed with Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poet’s Department; and one of my favourite people, Candi Carpenter, put out their debut album, Demonology, which I know will stay as one of my favourite albums forever. Both Candi and another of my favourite people, Kalie Shorr – both of whom I first met in Nashville – started Patreons to fund their sophomore albums and while the perks of subscribing are lovely, getting to see these two albums come together is so freaking cool and I feel like I’m learning so much about the album process, from writing to production to creative direction and so on. I highly recommend checking them out and supporting them if you can. Candi’s is here and Kalie’s is here.
AMANDA TAPPING AND THE COMPANION – I have always loved Amanda Tapping – she’s been a hero of mine for more than fifteen years now – and I was lucky enough to meet her again at Basingstoke Comic Con this year. It was a tough few days – the event was very chaotic and there was an awful heatwave – but I have so many special memories of the experience. The panels were really interesting and all of the guests were really open and good-humoured despite the heat and exhaustion. I was, as always, really excited to see Amanda and getting to see Richard Dean Anderson was really wonderful; I’d sort of forgotten how much I love him and Jack O’Neill. I was kind of disappointed that I hadn’t bought a pass to meet him but the queue was so long that people were missing other things and I think I would’ve passed out before meeting him (having said that, I did run into him in the hallway before one of his panels and although he was barely able to stop moving, he was really sweet). Talking to Amanda again was as lovely as it always is (she is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met) and, although the meet and greet wasn’t what was promised, it was still really special. I also got to meet the organisers and many members of The Companion, an organisation that celebrates sci-fi and fandom and one of their biggest projects has been Embracing Mental Health as a Fandom with Amanda Tapping; it was so freaking lovely to meet them all in person for the first time after having everything be online for so long. The Companion panel with Amanda was amazing and really moving and I felt so lucky to be there. I missed it all as soon as I got in the car to go home but it was so special and I can’t wait for the next event, whatever and whenever that may be.
WALKING AWAY FROM MY LAST THERAPIST – I wrote an incredibly long post about this earlier in the year but the short version is that, at the beginning of the year, my therapist of the last couple of years traumatised me, triggered a meltdown, and ultimately pushed me into a dissociative state. I couldn’t go back for over a month and while I tried to engage with her over a phased return (because I felt too traumatised to even go back into the room), she wouldn’t discuss it and then threatened to terminate therapy unless I came back. Honestly, I never wanted to see her again at this point but I wanted to understand why she’d apparently become a completely different person from when I’d first met her. That session was a complete disaster but in a way I’d never expected: she babbled like an idiot, unable to justify any of her decisions or reasons for terminating therapy (which she was doing, regardless of the previous manipulation of terminating unless I came back). She accused me of threatening her livelihood by missing sessions (although she’d been fully aware of the issue and she’d had notice for every session apart from one, when I’d thought I’d be able to get there and then couldn’t) and then referred to my six-ish weeks of trauma-induced dissociation due to her actions as ‘an extended holiday.’ I had such a physical reaction to that that I honestly thought I was having some kind of cardiac event: my heart rate had been so high throughout the session and I’d been shaking like a leaf, unable to take deep breaths. She asked if she could come and sit next to me and I honestly don’t know what I would have done if she had; I did not want her anywhere near me. But at some point during the session, something changed for me: it was like shedding my skin that I’d long needed to let go of and this new version of me had a new kind of strength, I guess… the emotional strength to push back rushed into my body like much-needed oxygen. For every lie, I had evidence against her; for every attempt to manipulate me, I called her out; for every time she tried to make it my fault, I was able to volley the accusation back. Maybe seeing her had triggered the fury I felt and as soon as I felt that, I was able to stand my ground and push back. Or maybe it was the absolute ridiculousness of her behaviour. I wasn’t going to let her get away with that. I did end up going to one final session, to give her a final chance to explain, but she was just as all over the place and halfway through the session, the air just went out of me and I left. I didn’t want anything to do with her for another minute and there was nothing she could say or do to change that. It was a very traumatic experience and I’m not grateful for that at all; I’m beyond sick of terrible therapists who hurt their clients more than they help them. But I’m really grateful for the new person I grew into as a result of it all, even if it took me a while to recognise it.
GETTING THE TATTOO BUG – After almost fifteen years of wanting tattoos but other things just getting in the way, I finally got my first tattoo… and my second… and my third… and at the time of writing this, I have six with plans for many more. I love having them and I love getting them, which is apparently not that unusual for people who have self harmed; I find it oddly therapeutic and I definitely get a rush from it. I have had one really bad experience with a tattoo artist discriminating against me and refusing me disability accommodations, which was traumatic and has been taking up a lot of my time and brain space to resolve. It’s not, as of yet, resolved but I’m still working on it and I hope that there will be some progress soon. But that incident aside, I’ve absolutely loved it and I’m looking forward to figuring out which tattoos I’ll be getting next…
AMAZING SHOWS, FROM BASEMENT BARS TO STADIUMS – I had a year of amazing concerts, from small songwriters’ circles (shout out to Stories in Song) to Taylor Swift’s almost four hour long epic, The Eras Tour, at Wembley Stadium (shout out to Electrolyte Fastchews for keeping me alive). I got to see multiple incredible songwriters at Tin Pan South in Nashville (including my long time fave, Ingrid Andress), as well as my beloved Kalie Shorr and Candi Carpenter – it was so special to be able to be in the room cheering for them, rather than stuck behind the screen on a livestream. I got to see Holly Humberstone for the first time. I got to see Bleachers twice, which I was particularly grateful for: the first time I ‘saw’ them, the accessibility team put me in the back row of the seating and, even though the seats were raised, everyone stood up and refused to sit down when told by security so I wasn’t able to see much of anything. I got to see Maisie Peters twice as well, first opening for Taylor Swift (which was awesome and so emotional that I cried through most of it) and then opening for Noah Kahan, who was also amazing. I got to see one of my tutors, Jonathan Whiskerd, play the launch gig of his stunning upcoming album, which was so special, even more so because I know how much time and effort and care has gone into it. I got to see Beth McCarthy headline Heaven, which was so much fun; I got to see Halsey play a surprise show at KOKO, performing a mix of songs from their previous albums and a few new ones, The Great Impersonator having not been released yet (that show was super emotional); and I got to see Kelsea Ballerini play an incredible one night only show at The Roundhouse. It was an amazing year for concerts and I’m not sure how 2025 could beat it but I do have a few very cool ones lined up.
TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE ERAS TOUR – Taylor Swift usually makes her way onto my grateful lists, for one reason or another, and this year I have so many reasons to be thankful for her. The paper that I wrote on her lyric writing and presented at what I believe was the first Taylor Swift centric conference, Taylor Swift Study Day 2021, is about to be published (I did an interview about it here), which is so exciting! She released her newest album, The Tortured Poets Department, which I love and feel like I’ve learned so much from, from a songwriting perspective; I love it so much that I got a tattoo of a lyric from ‘The Black Dog.’ I endlessly enjoyed following The Eras Tour online and discussing each night and each night’s mashup on Tumblr. And then getting to go… Getting to go to The Eras Tour was absolutely magical; I will never forget how special it felt to be there, to experience those shows with the wonderful people I got to go with. I was so lucky to be able to go multiple times but the most special part of that was the fact that I had so many friends who wanted to go and wanted to go with me, their resident Swiftie friend: as a teenager I was bullied and harassed relentlessly for loving Taylor so to have more friends wanting to go with me than there were shows in London (not that I went to every show in London) was so healing for my younger self. The show was beyond incredible, I had so much fun with my friends (and, of course, my Mum – we’ve been to many Taylor shows together), and I got to witness the most beautiful mashups and special guests, including Paramore as an opener, the live debut of ‘The Black Dog,’ the first Eras Tour performance of ‘I Did Something Bad,’ Maisie Peters as an opener, the mash up of ‘Change’ and ‘Long Live,’ Jack Antonoff as a special guest, and the first ever live performance of ‘Florida!!!’ WITH Florence + The Machine. I will honestly never get over the experiences I had. The effort it took to go to the shows required almost a month of recovery time and it took over a week before I was able to make coherent sentences but it was so completely worth it. I’m not sure there will ever be another concert experience like The Eras Tour but then this is Taylor Swift we’re talking about so who knows…
HALSEY – I’ve loved Halsey for years and I’ve always felt her music very deeply; there are multiple odd little parallels in our lives (we were actually born on the same day, only a few hours apart) that have always made her music feel like it’s deeply personal just to me, even though I know there is a thriving fandom out there who I’m sure feel the same way. I found it quite difficult to hear that they were going through really difficult health stuff, partly because I was also going through difficult health stuff, so it was a big relief when they started doing shows again. I was ridiculously lucky and managed to get a ticket to see them live at KOKO, just before The Great Impersonator came out, and it was just so magical to see them perform live again (I last saw Halsey live on The Manic Tour at The O2 Arena in 2020) and not just live but live at a super small, intimate venue. When they teared up, I could actually see the shine in their eyes because that’s how small the venue was; being at such a small show – just them and us – felt like a really special moment of reconnection. It was an incredible show, as I’ve always known Halsey shows to be, and see them so at ease onstage and so moved to be in front of a crowd (and a crowd of fans who were so thrilled to be there) was really moving (and, as I said, really reassuring). I got to hear songs I never thought I’d hear live due to the Love + Power Tour having been a US only tour: I was so excited when I realised that anything was up for grabs and it was a breathtaking experience to hear songs like ‘1121’ and ‘honey’ live. It was also one of the best gigs, accessibility wise, that I’ve ever been to, from the venue to the staff to the other fans; that meant a lot to me. And then, of course, there’s the new album, The Great Impersonator, which is incredible. It’s so raw, so moving and so powerful, and it’s been crafted so carefully and beautifully; the stories, within the greater story, that Halsey is telling are so detailed and delicate and the production is so varied and expressive. I’m just obsessed with it. But the rawness of it also makes it painful to listen to. Listening to it, I felt like so many of the songs could’ve been about me to a certain extent because I related to them so deeply; it’s a hard listen and it does feel like an excavation of every wound but I also felt so seen and so understood, which is so rare. All of the songs feel so precious to me (‘Life of the Spider (Draft)’ and the ‘Letter to God’ trio especially so) and it will always be an incredibly special album to me. I read one review that summed it up really well: “This is not an album designed to be a chart-topper; it’s a masterclass in the ways we use art to survive – which is to say, a masterclass in honesty.” I think this is so true, for the album, for Halsey as an artist, and for the way I feel about songwriting as an artist myself.
TRYING SOMATIC THERAPY – I needed a break after the traumatic end to my last relationship with a therapist but I still really needed help. I’ve reached a point where I don’t think talk therapy can do much for neurodivergence and trauma related issues (although I do think it can be helpful for working through certain things – I’m still in contact with a talk therapist I trust for when I do need that sort of support) so I started doing some research and ended up looking for a somatic therapist. I managed to find one really close by and I’ve had three sessions with her so far and I really like her; we get along really well and she just gets me. I can’t really explain it but I do think I feel different and I would recommend it to everyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical (I’ve already specifically suggested it to multiple people in my life, if only to get the short term relief I felt after the first session). We’re all carrying a lot of trauma these days, especially after the pandemic and with everything going on in the world, and the trauma of it all seems to be flying under the radar. I’m nervous to let my hopes get too high but I’m cautiously optimistic about how I might feel after more sessions in the new year.
NEW WORKING RELATIONSHIPS – This year I’ve met and worked with some truly amazing people that have made me so excited for my upcoming music releases. Up to this point, it’s pretty much been me, Richard Marc, and my Mum making things happen (and, of course, Josh of Sprogglet Studies who always does a fantastic job of mixing and mastering my tracks). But this year, I’ve met some wonderful people who really get me and get my music and, for the first time, I feel like I have music industry professionals (ones who I didn’t already know) who believe in me and who are passionate about what I’m passionate about and that means so much to me. I don’t want to say too much yet, since I haven’t made any official announcements about new music, but I’m so grateful to Tahnee and now Abi for everything they’ve done so far and for everything we have planned. I’ve also worked with some very cool photographers this year. In Nashville, I worked with Katie-Mac Photography and she had some ideas that, even now, I’m obsessed with; I only wish we’d had longer to explore them (and that the logistics hadn’t been so stressful). I did a shoot with Fraser MacKenzie, which was really fun; because we didn’t have a specific plan in mind, we were just able to improvise and see what worked and that was really cool. I’m learning so much through all of these experiences and so I’m really grateful for all of them. And then, of course, I finally got to work with Tom, who I’ve been chatting to for YEARS at this point: we’ve been talking about doing the artwork for this project ever since I came up with the idea and despite the pandemic and my health issues and our busy lives, we finally did it and it’s SO GOOD. I’m SO excited for people to see it; I’m absolutely obsessed. I also have to give Richard his own special shout out for all of the time and work and care that he’s poured into this project with me to make this new music; he has been my musical partner for over ten years now and I could not do it all without him. Making art with him is like making magic and our sessions together are some of my very favourite times. They, like our friendship, feel like anchors in my life and I can’t wait to create more stuff in the new year.
So I managed to finish it! It is still 2024. Just. I do want to get my unfinished 2024 (and 2023 – oops) posts up in time but I’ve been so hard on myself about it and that hasn’t gotten them finished or been good for me so I’m trying to just take my time and slowly get them done. Anyway. As I said, even though it’s been a tough year, there has been a lot to be grateful for and oh my god, do I feel grateful. I can’t imagine how any year could ever be like this year but who knows what next year will bring, good and bad.
Finding Hope 