Finding HopeBirthday Rules (2023 Edition)
Posted on October 7, 2023
Birthdays have been a struggle for me over the last few years, triggering a lot of anxiety; in fact, they trigger so much anxiety that I can barely acknowledge them, let alone celebrate them. I’ve been trying to just ignore them and let them pass with as little fanfare as possible but that’s a surprisingly hard thing to do. At some point, it seems that birthdays, birthday plans, and so on, became public property, a topic that you’re obliged to talk about or risk appearing rude or uptight; someone always wants to know if you’re doing ‘something special’ (with the best of intentions, of course – I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone). Even shops and organisations send you emails wishing you a happy birthday. You just can’t get away from it.
So, to make it as manageable and an actually enjoyable day, I used the Birthday Rules I found on Tumblr years and years back. I like them as a way curating your birthday experience, I think because you can make it as big and extravagant or as low key and chilled as you want, as you’re comfortable with. Both can be memorable and enjoyable; it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s the attempt to straddle both ends of the spectrum that can leave a birthday, or any celebration, feeling emotionally weird.
So, the basic idea – if you haven’t seen my earlier blogs using this technique – is to do something you wouldn’t normally do and buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy, making each birthday unique and special. I like that it doesn’t necessarily impose the birthday connection: the focus is on making the day one to celebrate and treat yourself. So I tried to keep my mind on that and on spending time with my family, rather than all of the anxieties that my birthday triggers.
Rule #1: Do something you wouldn’t normally do.
A while back, I was scrolling through Eventbrite and discovered an Equine Facilitated Learning workshop called Harnessing Assertiveness, where attendees were guided through confidence building exercises, based on building relationships with the horses of the HorseSense UK herd. I have always loved horses and I struggle desperately with my self-confidence and self-esteem so this seemed like both a fun and fascinating experiences that could be really helpful, as a one off or a starting point on the path to something bigger. The workshop was originally supposed to be for six people but it ended up being just me, my Mum, and Becci, the founder and facilitator. That was a little daunting because I hate being the centre of attention – yes, I know how weird that is given my love of performing – but it ended up being so special because we could work at my pace and according to how easy or difficult I found a certain exercise. That was really amazing.
I could happily document it minute by minute but that would very quickly become a very long blog. Every step we took was designed to integrate us into the herd, to build relationships with the horses. We greeted them and let them get a sense of us (after which I swear they had a little conference, standing together and ultimately deciding that we were perfectly acceptable guests in their herd) before learning to communicate with them more directly. They’d step into your space and you had to hold your ground, showing them that they could depend on your strength and certainty, and then you learned to move them in the same way, the way they move each other, using your presence to convince them to move because you are a part of the herd and you wouldn’t do so without good reason. It was utterly fascinating. And then, suddenly, we were saying goodbye to them and sharing a moment with each horse, thanking them for trusting us. Almost two hours had gone by but it was like everything had just… stopped. It was just us and the horses. It had been such a calming experience that it was kind of jarring to have to go back to the real world.
As I said, it was an amazing experience and I’d love to go back and spend time with the herd again, maybe in one of the Calm 4 Adults sessions. But whatever happens going forward, I’m so grateful to Becci and the horses – Dainty, Squirrel, and Jim – for a really special way to spend the day. There’s not a lot of calm in my life (or any at all really) so this was a much enjoyed experience and a much cherished memory.
Rule #2: Buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy.
Having been frustrated with my camera for a while now, I did some research and discovered that the model had been released in 2011 so it’s not exactly surprising that the quality of photos I’m taking feel soft and low quality. Frankly, I’m amazed that I’ve been pleased with them so long, given that it’s over a decade old! I’ve been researching a replacement on and off over the last six months or so with the plan of getting a new one at some point before going to The Eras Tour next summer. But I’ve actually got several pretty exciting concerts before those shows and it seems a shame to miss out on taking gorgeous photos at those because of some arbitrary deadline. Concerts are where I most enjoy taking photos, after all. So, armed with my research on focus and zoom, I searched for the camera I’ve returned to multiple times, checked the specifications one last time, and ordered it. Ah! Spending money always really stresses me out, even with all of the reasons why it’s not a terrible idea, but I’m pushing through and trying to focus on how lovely it will be to have beautiful photos after my gig, Maisie Peters in October.
Physically and emotionally, I was exhausted afterwards (not that I got a lie in with Izzy tugging at my sleeve bright and early the next morning). It was never going to be an easy day but I think that, given everything going on in my head, it was as enjoyable as possible. It was certainly very special, with good memories to keep and good memories to make.
A Somewhat Reluctant Birthday Post
Posted on November 27, 2021
My birthday this year was definitely weird, hence why I’m only just writing about it a couple of months after the fact. I’ve been struggling to process the last few months just because of how much stuff has happened: the final project of my Masters wrapping up, the final assessment, the Masters being over, the sudden death of my Granny, her funeral, performing again for the first time in eighteen months, changing my medication, graduation, the celebration of life for my Granny… It’s been a lot and I honestly have no idea how I feel most of the time. But I’m hoping that, by putting it into words, it’ll help. Somehow.
So, for the last few years, I’ve been trying to ease my anxiety around birthdays with some birthday rules I picked up from Tumblr a while back. My first post about them is here, but the basic idea is to do something you wouldn’t normally do and buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy, to make each birthday unique and special. For some reason, this year was harder than the previous ones and I really struggled to commit to an idea for both rules. But, given that it’s now two months later, I think I need to let it go and stop obsessing. Whatever’s causing my anxiety over this, it’s taking up too much energy that I need elsewhere.
So, I’m writing it down and putting it to bed…
Rule #1: Do something you wouldn’t normally do.
I was going back and forth on what to do when the perfect thing fell into my lap: the opportunity to perform again for the first time in about eighteen months! And not only that but it was two gigs, the first at the original Hard Rock Cafe in London and the second at the Hard Rock Cafe in Piccadilly Circus. So, while I was very nervous, I was also very, very excited. Given the tight turnaround between getting the gigs and them actually happening, Richard and I only managed to practice together once. Fortunately, we are very well practiced at the Honest EP songs and picked them up again quickly so we could, for the most part, focus on the other songs we were playing.
The first night was actually the night of my birthday and I was so nervous that I could barely breathe. My body felt so awkward and it was almost like I couldn’t remember how to perform, how to hold my body, how to not bump into the microphone, how to talk between songs… But, by the second half of my set, it was all rushing back and I was just overflowing with that unique joy of getting to do the thing you love most in the world (well, other than the songwriting itself but you know what I mean). I was SO HAPPY. I was positively giddy with it. It wasn’t my strongest performance ever but after eighteen months of playing to my living room, I wouldn’t have expected it to be. It was jumping in at the deep end. And although it felt so awkward at the beginning, it all came back very quickly and I couldn’t wait for the next night so I could do it all over again.
The second night went well, on the whole. Despite the night before, I was still nervous and it was a very different space; the lower ceiling meant that the sound bounced around differently and it took a while to adjust (just like everything, adjusting to the space you’re performing in is a skill that requires practice) but, again, I had so much fun. Performing songs that I’ve written about things that matter to me… it’s when I’m doing that that I feel most comfortable in my own skin, most in sync with the world around me. It’s the best feeling. Everyone was so lovely and I had such a great time.
It was just so fun to perform again. And it was so fun to perform with Richard again (and what a trooper he was, having moved house the day of the second performance). I loved getting to play the songs from the Honest EP, I loved performing some of my unreleased songs, and I loved playing a few brand new covers (including ‘Lullaby’ by Kalie Shorr and ‘this is me trying’ by Taylor Swift, both of which are among my favourite songs). I’m so grateful to everyone at both shows – those working in the venues and the other performers – and my friends and family who came to support and celebrate with me; it was just a complete joy and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my birthday any other way, even if I was beyond nervous about it.
Rule #2: Buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy.
I was very aware that Taylor Swift was releasing Red (Taylor’s Version) in November and given how much the original means to me, I knew I would want to spend money on it when it came out. So I tucked some money away until the album was released on the 12th November. As much as I loved it before, I fell in love with it all over again, not to mention the new songs: they’ve added so many new layers to the world of the album. It’s a stunning album and every time I listen to it, I feel like I’m learning even more about songcraft.
Along with the album and the vinyl, I treated myself to some of the accompanying merch, including the scarf and the notebook. Oh, and the jumper with ‘Taylor’s Version’ across the front; that was just so perfect. What she’s doing with the rerecordings is incredible and, as someone entering the music industry, it’s both encouraging and inspiring to have a woman like her advocating for the rights of songwriters and artists. Plus, it seems fitting. Her music has had such a huge impact on my life; I wouldn’t be who I am now if not for her music.
So while both of these things were Good Things, it was a weird and hard birthday. There’s just been so much to process – so much change – and so much anxiety; it was hard to settle on a decision because nothing felt right. But I’m starting to think that, given everything going on, nothing was going to feel right. So it’s time to move on. It’s time to stop worrying about it. I did the best I could with that birthday I had and it was good, even if it was messier than I would’ve liked. Such is life.
Celebrating My 26th Birthday in Lockdown
Posted on October 3, 2020
When we went into lockdown in March, I never thought that I’d be celebrating my birthday (roughly six months later) still in lockdown. I just hadn’t thought that far ahead. I know that lockdown has loosened over the last few months but I still don’t feel as though it’s safe enough or socially responsible to do something as casual as going out for my birthday when, fingers crossed, I’ll have many more. So we had to get creative with the birthday celebrations but I feel like I still followed my birthday rules and feel good about how I celebrated my birthday even though it was a bit different than I’d have expected it to be.
So, to refresh our memories, these birthday rules that I discovered several years ago are: do something you wouldn’t normally do and buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy. So here we go…
Rule #1: Do something you wouldn’t normally do.
Finding something to do at home was a bit of a challenge because, after six months of staying inside, we’ve really done everything possible to do, from the mundane to the more interesting. So I did find it hard to come up with something. But then I had a sudden flash of inspiration. We always have homemade cake on birthdays but we thought that, rather than going out to do something special, we’d have something special brought to us and so we ordered a beautiful, more extravagant cake for the day of my birthday (we will still have homemade cake because it’s a family tradition – we’ll just do it later on). I got to choose it and I was very excited for it to arrive.
I had classes (online) all day on my birthday but when I came downstairs after the second one, this beautiful cake – chocolate cake, chocolate icing, and maltesers (available here from Betsy’s Bake) – was sitting on the counter. I had a couple of hours before my next class and one of my parents dropped in briefly for what we had officially named ‘the cake break.’ It was really, really good. I had cut myself far too big a slice to get through (it was very rich) so I tucked it away and did my last class of the day, before having dinner and finishing it off.
Because there was much more than we could eat ourselves, it was really fun to share with people and witness their excitement and enjoyment. That was a really nice part of it that I hadn’t expected, thinking we’d get through it all as a family. In general, I think I prefer our simpler, homemade cakes but I did really, really enjoy this as a fancy birthday treat, which, afterall, was the point.
Rule #2: Buy yourself something you wouldn’t normally buy.
Having received the two big items that I would have chosen to spend money on for my birthday (and technically I am contributing to the electric guitar because it is an expensive purchase), I was a bit lost as to what to do for this second rule. I feel very fortunate for my birthday presents but I have also really come to enjoy this tradition and so I still wanted to buy myself something I wouldn’t normally buy; I just wasn’t sure what to buy as there weren’t any big things I wanted and it would be a waste to buy something I only just kind of wanted. So instead of buying one thing, I looked at what I’d spent in previous years and once I had an estimate of what to spend, I decided to dedicate that money to my attempt during lockdown to finally finish decorating my room. It does mean these things won’t all arrive at once and it won’t be the traditional ‘the thing has arrived!’ but if there was ever a time to bend rules like these, this is it.
I haven’t spent all of the allotted money yet but so far, I’m getting a suncatcher, some sea glass to put in jars to place around the room, some small prints to go on the walls, and a cool candle. I’m not sure what else I’ll choose yet but I’m so excited to have my room start to feel truly like my space. It’s gonna be so great.
This is the guitar that was my main birthday present, which I’m paying for in part because it was pretty expensive.
My actual birthday was A LOT. I had some lovely messages and cards and gifts from family and friends and the amazing cake so there was a lot of good. But it was also very hard work. I had three university classes, one of which was kind of like a personal development seminar and that got very emotional. I felt drained and completely exhausted afterwards, even though it had been a positive experience. But it was hard and upsetting to dig so deep. Plus I have this weird anxiety about turning twenty-six when I feel like I haven’t done all the growing I’m supposed to do at twenty-five due to the pandemic. I ended the day falling asleep on the sofa with the beginning of what turned into a several day long migraine. So, yeah, it was a lot. But I do genuinely think I will always look back at it and remember a really good, really special birthday.
Finding Hope 