New Old Medications Thoughts

If I’m honest, I’m still not sure what I’m doing – how I feel about my writing – but there’s been a lot in my head this week so I thought I’d just try and get it all down. Maybe it’ll help.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it already but after two and a half years of trying medications, I’m back on Phenelzine for my depression. I’m back on the drug I was trying to get away from. Back in 2017, it was starting to fail but I was also starting to fight it. The lifts to my mood felt artificial and suffocating. I felt depressed but there was this thick layer of calm suppressing it and it was causing me great, great distress. I felt like I was scratching at the walls of my mind with my fingernails, desperate to get out and just feel how I was feeling. Of course, feeling deeply depressed is a miserable, paralysing experience but at least it felt real. It was the truth and the truth is one of the most important things to me.

But despite all of that, I’m taking it again and I can’t help feeling like we’re starting to run out of options. We must be if we’re going back to a drug that I struggled with, that stopped working – although it’s true that it did work for a significant period of time. But we started looking elsewhere for a reason. Multiple reasons. I voiced that in the session with my psychiatrist and he said that there are still options but I can’t help worrying. Because if I’m running out of options at the age of twenty four, that’s a lot of life left without much to work with. Will we reach a point where I just have to live with it? Live with crushing depression and paralysing anxiety?

And let’s talk about anxiety. Last time I was taking the Phenelzine, I also took Quetiapine, primarily for the insomnia that the Phenelzine caused but it also helped with my anxiety. Because it’s a sleep aid, it has a sedating effect, which helped me to manage that constant anxiety. But I can’t go back to it. The sedative effect almost seemed to increase over time and it got harder and harder to wake up in the mornings. It was like I was so deep underwater that I couldn’t find the surface; I could hear people talking to me but I couldn’t open my eyes or move or speak. By the time we were abandoning the Phenelzine, it was so bad that I was losing half the day just trying to wake up. I can’t go through that again. It was awful.

So that limits the options, if I can’t take that or any of the similar drugs. The drug we’ve decided on is Diazepam. I’ve been taking it on and off over the last year and it works; it stabilises my emotions when they get out of my control. But it has addictive potential and I’m not supposed to take it every day. So, every day, I have to look at my anxiety and feel my anxiety and assess whether it’s bad enough to take the medication. And that’s exhausting. I never get an escape from it. To me, that’s not living. That’s managing.

But this is it for the moment. This is life. We’ll reassess in a month.

A Little Life Update

Hi guys.

I’m sorry for my extended absence. I never meant to abandon the blog; it’s just been a really, really tough month. I’ve been taking the new medication (or old medication – Phenelzine), which seems to have had no effect other than to upset my stomach. But I’m trying not to give up hope just yet. One of my cats had kittens, which has been incredibly stressful. My depression has reached new lows and I actually started to find it difficult to think at all: sentences would not finish in my brain. It was frustrating and very distressing. I’ve also had quite possibly more meltdowns in the last month than I have had in the previous six. So it’s been hard and writing has just felt impossible. I couldn’t put what I was feeling into words and I didn’t feel like I had anything useful to say, anything anyone wanted to hear.

I don’t quite know what happens now. I love this blog dearly so I have no intention of abandoning it but you may have to be gentle with me as I try to get back to writing. I’m doing my best, I promise.

Insert Joke About Being Iron Woman

Several months ago, I had some blood tests done and they revealed that I was incredibly low in iron. Since I’ve had some pretty unpleasant experiences with supplements, my doctor recommended an infusion and set it up straight away at the local hospital. I was really impressed by the efficiency of it all: the speed at which the problem was identified and the treatment arranged. That was the last we saw of that.

The actual hospital visit for the infusion took six hours. All was going smoothly: they’d taken my blood just to double check the iron levels but then we saw no sign of the doctor for over an hour. When someone eventually appeared, they told us that somehow they’d managed to test for everything but iron and were having to run the tests again. It took so long that I fell asleep in the chair.

Hours later, they finally had the infusion in. It was cold and made me feel kind of sick. It was a bit like when you get a general anaesthetic, if you’ve ever had one of those. But it was okay. It only lasted about fifteen minutes and then I had to stay for half an hour to make sure there weren’t any negative interactions. But then it was all over and I could go home. I thought I’d keep notes on how I reacted in case it would be useful to anyone else.


WEEK 1

I slept very late everyday (sometimes into the afternoon when I’m usually up around eight) and still struggled to get up. Despite all the sleep, I could still nap in the day and would start dozing off around ten. I had absolutely no energy. I tried to continue my routine of getting up early to swim but I could barely drag myself downstairs (or even out of bed); I couldn’t stand up long enough to shower and had to wash my hair in the bath, which I absolutely hate doing. I was very shaky and felt just generally unwell.

WEEK 2

At the beginning of the week, I also reduced two of my medications, Clomipramine and Flupentixol, as I’d previously planned with my Psychiatrist. The infusion came about so quickly that the plans collided with no time to adjust. I also went down with a migraine during the week so it’s hard to tell what caused what and how each thing affects the others.

Slowly, I started to wake up at my normal time again but I was still very tired and sleepy. Doing anything was a struggle but by the end of the week, I started to feel a bit better and a bit more like myself pre-infusion. I also started to feel like myself pre-Flupentixol: I had my first shower standing up in weeks and I walked around London without feeling like I was going to faint. It felt a bit like a fog was lifting.

WEEK 3

The week began with my first shower standing up and I was positively giddy about it. I had to lie down afterwards but it was amazing to be able to do something again that had been taken away. I was still physically exhausted but I no longer felt like I was going to faint if I stood up for too long.

Mentally and emotionally, I felt like I was declining. I felt depressed and restless; I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I did spend the second half of the week sick, feeling nauseous with a cold and sore throat. I don’t know whether that’s related to the infusion or the changing medications or whether it was a coincidence. Either way, I spent several days in bed feeling miserable.

WEEK 4

At the beginning of the fourth week, I reduced the Clomipramine again. I wish all of these things could’ve happened separately from each other so the effects could be clearly identified by unfortunately, that just wasn’t in the cards this time. The reduction of the Clomipramine, an antidepressant, no doubt had a real impact on my mood. I felt  overwhelmed by feelings of depression and hopelessness and I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t settle or concentrate so it was hard to distract myself from these feelings. My anxiety also increased, which was an added struggle.

Energy wise, I felt back to my ‘normal’ levels of tiredness: I couldn’t – can’t – stand or walk for very long, big events and big emotions require several days of recovery, I need a lot of sleep. But I’m a lot better. I’m swimming again and going up to London has been easier. So on that front, there has been improvement.


Everything has been fairly consistent since then and eight weeks after the infusion, I went back for a blood test to see if the infusion worked. The results were certainly interesting: by my maths, my iron levels have gone up 4000%. So, for the moment at least, it seems to have worked. In the medical sense anyway – I’m not seeing as much of an improvement as I would’ve hoped, energy wise. I’d hoped that this might explain the ongoing trouble I have with fatigue but if this is up to normal levels and I’m still struggling as much as I am, then it’s not the answer, or not the whole answer.

It’s not the end of the road. In three months, I’ll be going back for another blood test, this time to find out whether my body is holding onto and processing the iron properly. So that may yield more answers, more information. From there, I’m not sure what happens but it’s not the only route we’re pursuing. There’s got to be an answer and I’m not giving up yet.

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