Finding HopeAutism Dogs – My Advanced Task List
Posted on May 22, 2025
NOTE: Somehow, between the last WordPress update and my brain fog, this post got lost. It falls between the two posts, ‘The Application‘ and ‘It’s A Match,’ and I’ll include links in both of those so that – hopefully – everyone is able to follow the chronology of posts despite my mistake. Sorry!
Here is the next part of my Autism Dogs journey! Having been accepted onto the programme, I went up to visit the Autism Dogs farm in April 2024 to work on my Advanced Task List and meet some of the dogs…
I’d set an alarm (multiple alarms) since it was such an early start but I was actually woken up by Izzy as she snuggled close to my face, wrapping herself around my neck. It was very cute and I enjoyed the extra time cuddling with her before I had to get up. As much as I would’ve liked to have stayed there all morning, I had trains to get and dogs to visit so I eventually (reluctantly) got up and had a shower. Izzy seemed to know that me and Mum were going out because she stuck close to me as I got ready, as I did my make up and packed my bag. She’s just beyond adorable, which just makes it so hard to leave; it was so early and I was already keen to curl up for a nap and her super-snuggly behaviour really wasn’t motivating me to get up and go. But I had one last snuggle and then my Mum and I were out the door.
The journey to the Autism Dogs farm wasn’t the most relaxing of my life: the train to London was fine but then our connection to Stoke-on-Trent was cancelled and our only option was to get the next train, which meant we were going to miss our final train and be late for our session. I’m relatively used to the chaos and generally, it doesn’t faze me, but I do find it draining to repeatedly reshuffle my plans to find the best outcome. It certainly wasn’t what I needed on an already long day. We made it to Stoke-on-Trent and then had to get a cab to the farm instead of catching the final train. It’s only a short ride but they don’t come very often. The cab was painfully expensive but we managed to get there just about on time for our session. I was amazed.
The biggest part of the session was to build my Advanced Task List. As far as I’m aware, when the dogs are trained, they all go through the same basic skills training, like recall and sit and heel etc. That’s the first part of their training. On my side of things, once I was accepted onto the programme, I filled out lots of forms and had multiple calls with different people and learned about the process before travelling to the Autism Dogs farm to meet with several staff members to discuss the Advanced Task List. This involved looking at my various difficulties and how my assistance dog will hopefully be able to help me, which tasks she will perform in response to which behaviours. Once this list is compiled, the team created a profile of my needs to compare against the dogs in training; obviously, the idea is that the two profiles match, that you and your dog are compatible. For example, my meltdowns are often very loud – I’ll shout and scream and cry – and so I’d need a dog that is confident around loud noise. Everyone is going to have different needs and therefore need a different dog; you want to end up with the dog that’s the best fit for you so that the relationship is as successful as possible because, hopefully, you’re going to be working with this dog every day for a very long time.
The Advanced Task List is made up of three to eight taught behaviours: less than three and the dog becomes illegible as an assistance dog (it’s not uncommon for a dog to ‘lose’ one of their skills if it’s no longer needed or used) but more than eight and the dog can get confused and struggle with the amount of commands and tasks. So we spent most of the session discussing the things I struggle with. As I’ve already mentioned, I have meltdowns and we discussed those; we also talked about shutdowns and I described them as best I could; we talked about sleep and anxiety and self-injurious behaviours; we talked about the dog being trained to perform deep pressure therapy and so on. We talked about all of this for over an hour, in as much detail as possible; they were really lovely and took things really gently, acutely aware that people can find it really difficult to talk about this stuff. But to be honest, I’ve talked about a lot of my difficulties and even some of my most distressing experiences quite a lot: online, on my blog, to friends and family, in therapy… even at conferences. So, on the whole, talking about it doesn’t really faze me (although there are, as I think there are for everyone, some areas that are really hard to dig into) and I could answer pretty much every question they had for me, with help from my Mum when I needed a prompt or an outside perspective was useful. The more information they had, the easier it would be to build a profile of me and the more accurate it would be. It was almost funny, how carefully they were handling the discussions (with me personally, I mean – I think it’s great that they’re so aware of the potential needs of the autistic person they’re working with), because I just wanted to talk about the dogs. I’m fascinated by the process and the training and so I was just sitting there, like, ‘Okay, can we stop talking about me now? Can we talk about the dogs?’ It’s just so interesting and I could listen to them talk about it for hours.
Then came the part that was I was really excited about. I got to meet four different dogs (none of which would ultimately be mine), in order to get a sense of what breed and characteristics might be right for me, what size and texture of fur would be most manageable and comfortable. Having had and spent time with multiple breeds of dog throughout might life, I already had a sense of some of these things.
The first dog I met was a Cockapoo called Buddy. He was very sweet and very excitable (they were all ver excitable actually, given that it was dinner time for them) but I knew that I would struggle on a sensory level with the curly fur. He was lovely but his breed wasn’t one I’d be able to handle longterm on a sensory standpoint. The other three were different Labradors. I grew up with a Labrador so I’m very comfortable around them and just adore them. All three were gorgeous, two black – like the one I grew up with – and one yellow with more wiry fur. The first of the two black Labradors was a girl called Shadow who was so excitable and enthusiastic, sliding all over the tiled floor and slamming into me. She licked my face and then ran in circles around me before bounding over to meet Mum and the whole experience was just really adorable. The second black Labrador was a male called Denzel. He was also deeply enthusiastic but not quite as chaotic as Shadow had been; he definitely had more control over his limbs. But he still came charging over to meet me and licked my face over and over before trying to curl up in my lap even though he was much too big. And finally, I met the fourth dog, a wiry, yellow Labrador called Hero. He was a lot more chilled out because he’d already had his dinner – unlike the other three – so, while he trotted in and came straight over to me to check me out, he wasn’t like one of those super balls ricocheting off the walls. Instead, he snuffled my face and then leaned against me, heavier and heavier until I slid over onto the floor; when I pushed myself up, he just stood beside me in prime position so that I could stroke him (and keep stroking him). He was more chill than the previous three but he had had his dinner and I think he was a bit older; their dogs are usually between one and two years old and I think he was on the older side.
Buddy (top left), Shadow (top right), Denzel (bottom left), and Hero (bottom right).
I was definitely a fan of all three Labradors so, as a breed, they seemed like a clear choice. After Hero left, my Mum and I stayed for a bit longer and talked with the staff about various preferences, like size, and coat, etc. All of these things obviously need to be considered when, all being well, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with this dog, relying them; you need to feel comfortable with them and you definitely need to feel comfortable with them when you’re feeling under stress or overwhelmed or triggered.
So it felt like a very productive session. We wrapped things up and then my Mum and I headed for the station. I was absolutely exhausted by the day and fell asleep on two of the three trains, so deeply that my hands – which I’d apparently been using as a pillow – had gone numb. When we finally got home, Izzy was momentarily unimpressed by all of the different dog smells on our clothes but quickly dismissed them in her absolute delight that we’d returned to her. Even with my train naps, I was so tired that I went to bed early, snuggled up with Izzy.
It was exciting to move to the next step in this process. I was near the top of the list because I had been waiting for quite a long time by that point. But while it is a list of priority, they also weren’t going to just match me with the first dog available because we wouldn’t necessarily be a good match. That’s fine with me. As I said, I would rather wait a bit longer and find the best possible match. It also gives me a bit more time to mentally prepare: it’s a really big change and I really struggle with change. I have some really great support and I know that, once we all adjust and I have this new form of support in my life, things will hopefully get better – less erratic and unstable, emotionally – but anticipating this big change is stressful. So my feelings are very big and messy but I just have to keep reminding myself that lots of people have benefited from this process so far and that helps me to feel less anxious and more excited.
Autism Dogs – The Second Playdate
Posted on May 3, 2025
My second playdate with Daisy didn’t happen until early October 2024 due to both us and Autism Dogs having had to reschedule at one point. But we finally made it happen and we were headed back to the farm to see Daisy. We had Izzy with us again to give both of the dogs another chance to get to know each other. And since this trip included two sessions over two days, we booked a dog-friendly hotel for the night before and the night between the two sessions; it was a Holiday Inn Express, which turned out to be a really good choice because it had a lot of my safe foods!
NIGHT BEFORE
Mum and I drove up to Stoke-on-Trent the night before the first day; we’d be starting early and we never would’ve made it up in time if we’d driven up the morning of. We got settled in our hotel room and although Izzy still struggled with the noises from the hall and the surrounding rooms, she did better than she had on the last trip. We had some dinner, chilled out with some TV, and went to bed early so that I could manage the early start the next morning.
DAY ONE
We were up and out early to get to the Autism Dogs farm in time for our session with Daisy. I’m always so excited to see her and work with her again but I do find it quite nerve-wracking: there’s just so much to learn and remember and I get so anxious about doing things wrong that it can get pretty overwhelming at times.
Izzy and I waited in the paddock while Mum let them know we’d arrived and then returned with Daisy and one of the trainers. Izzy was definitely more excited to see Mum than she was to see Daisy. Having Izzy present for these sessions would hopefully allow the two dogs to get more comfortable around each other; starting out in the paddock gave them plenty of space to move around, to set boundaries and test them, and we even got them walking together after a while.
Then, in the training room, we used the smaller space to try and build on that. We encouraged them to interact a little bit more but just existing calmly in the same room together was a positive step forward, considering how they’d just barked at each other during the previous session. They did well: progress was definitely made and they were very cute to watch. They were still struggling with competing for my attention – and getting jealous when I engaged with the other – but I would’ve been surprised if we’d managed to solve that in two sessions: Izzy has practically been glued to me since I got her and, of the time I’ve spent with Daisy, she’s rarely had to share me. So neither of them are keen on the other being with ‘their person.’
I also did some more lead walking practice with Daisy – I find the multi-tasking aspect of it really difficult so I wanted as much practice as I could get – and, to my surprise, it did feel easier this time. That was a big relief to me: I find it really easy to spiral about not being good at any of this and finding it so overwhelming, so to tangibly feel that progress was definitely reassuring.
We spent the rest of the session in the training room, just hanging out and letting everyone get used to each other. It was a chance not just for me and Daisy to bond but for my Mum and Daisy to build a relationship too, for Daisy and Izzy to get more comfortable together, to reassure Izzy that everything was still the same with Daisy around… It’s obviously easier for me and Mum while the dogs need a lot more reassurance and rewarding for every positive interaction. As you can see from the photos below, Izzy still wasn’t convinced and really just wanted me to herself but this is all still very new to her and so it’s going to take time. At the very least, they were a lot less bark-y, which my ears were very grateful for.
Ever since The Eras Tour ended in August (I know I haven’t written about that experience yet but I do want to – the brain fog has just been brutal), I’ve been feeling bereft of making friendship bracelets and so I’d been making as many as I could for the staff at the farm. I’m not sure how many I ended up making up in the end but I left them there that afternoon to be passed around during the afternoon, evening, and the next morning. I’d made a personalised set for myself and for Mum and then for Caroline (the founder and CEO) as well, as a thank you for all of her support.
Back at the hotel, I had to have a nap, exhausted by the intensity and focus of the playdate, and then Mum and I checked out the hotel’s pool. It was small (which was fine) and busy (which wasn’t ideal) but I got to stretch, do some of my hydrotherapy exercises, and get some gentle exercise, which definitely helped my chronic pain. The amount of time I spent scrunched up in the car on the drive to and from the farm isn’t great for my body as a person with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome so having access to a pool was really great.
Between the playdate and the swim, I was completely exhausted – even with my nap – so we had a quiet evening. We had dinner (with an awesome chocolate pudding!) and cuddles with Izzy in front of Red Eye before going to bed early since we had an early start the next day.
DAY TWO
The second day began earlier than the first day, which was a bit of a struggle for me since I hadn’t slept particularly well (which I generally don’t when I’m away from home). But we made it and began the playdate in the paddock, giving Daisy and Izzy a chance to get reacquainted: they were much calmer than the day before, which was reassuring and pretty cute.
Then we headed inside and went over some of Daisy’s commands again, which was really good because there are a lot of things to remember and in the time between playdates, I’d worried that I’d forgotten all of it. But having said that, I felt like I’d retained a lot more than I’d thought, which was very reassuring. That was actually good timing because, on that particular day, Daisy wasn’t at her most well-behaved (I think she was just overexcited). That sounds odd to say but it meant that I got to see how the trainers correct the undesirable behaviours and regain the dog’s focus and then practice it myself. Again, it’s really good knowledge to have but I was exhausted! I was learning a lot, learning it fast, and having to concentrate and process information really fast; it was hard work. In hindsight, we probably could’ve taken it a bit slower but between my anxiety about learning everything and just getting caught up in everything, that didn’t occur to me until later.
After that, we had a break and I got to have some good cuddle time with Daisy, which I always look forward to: she’s so gentle and sweet and affectionate – once she’s settled down a bit and worked off her excitement! I was so tired that I practically fell asleep curled up with her and could’ve happily stayed like that for the rest of the day.
After the break, we were headed out to the paddock but, before we went outside, I was shown how to get Daisy’s slip lead – her working lead – on quickly and efficiently. I needed to watch it a few times but once I had all of the steps in my head, I actually didn’t find it too difficult; I even managed to do it smoothly on just my second try. That was very pleasing, especially since I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m just not very good at any of this (regardless of whether it’s objectively true or not – or the idea that I’m still learning and it’s the practice that makes you good at something).
Out in the paddock, we did some recall practice, which Daisy did struggle with initially; she is, after all, very used to doing recall with the trainers. But once she realised that I had treats and made a huge fuss of her when she came to me, we had it down. I had to laugh: labradors are so predictable when there’s food in play.
Then we went out into the lane to practice her lead walking, which is how she’ll walk with me when we’re out in public, when she’s working: she stays close to my body and keeps her attention on me and (at least at this point) I reward her whenever she makes eye contact with me, checking in. It was actually starting to feel a bit easier and not so overwhelming, which definitely felt like an achievement.
That was officially the end of the day but the farm did have a relatively new litter of puppies that they will hopefully be training to be more Autism Dogs and I got to spend a little bit of time with them before we left. They were gorgeous in that way that puppies just are, especially Labrador puppies in my opinion; they were all soft and warm and snuggly. And for some reason, they smell amazing. I was besieged by them the moment I put my hands in the pen and although my Mum joked that I couldn’t kidnap one, I think the real danger was them kidnapping me: they just attached themselves to my jumper and every time I peeled one off, another had got their teeth into it, and eventually I had to be rescued because two hands just weren’t enough. They were utterly divine though and I had some lovely cuddles, which just gave me such a serotonin boost.
The sessions are pretty intense and require a lot of mental energy at the very least so it was a really nice way – the perfect way – to just decompress for a couple of minutes before getting back in the car and getting on the road. I would’ve been content to spend hours with them but eventually Mum pulled me away and we said our goodbyes, got in the car, and headed home. It was a very long drive after some very long and tiring days but it really did feel like progress is being made, despite my anxieties trying to tell me otherwise.
So that was the second playdate! Even though it was obviously more tiring to do two days in a row, I did really start to feel like I was making progress and I felt more confident with two back-to-back sessions under my belt. I have no doubt that I’ll probably get super anxious again with no way to practice the skills between the playdates but I’ve also now had proof that, even when I feel like I’ve forgotten it all, they’ll come back as soon as I was using them again.
Next up, my first sleepover with Daisy!
The Loneliest Whale – Out Now!
Posted on April 24, 2025
NOTE: Spoilers for the documentary, The Loneliest Whale: The Search for 52.
If you follow me on any of my social media accounts, you will likely already know that my new single, ‘The Loneliest Whale,’ is officially OUT! I love this song so much and I’m so excited for you all to hear it – it is, without a doubt, one of my favourite songs I’ve ever written.
If you’re a regular on my blog, you will probably have read the posts about ‘Write This Out‘ and ‘In The Mourning,’ the two singles that I released prior to this one. ‘The Loneliest Whale’ is the first official single of my upcoming EP but the earlier songs felt really important in establishing the foundations of this new project. Plus it meant I could release more music with the EP.
I wrote this song with an amazing artist and songwriter, lukeistired, who I went to university with. It was the summer of 2021 and our course had remained online up to this point and, finally able to work onsite again, we booked a practice room and started writing this song. We made a solid start and I later finished it by myself before working on the production with my long time collaborator, Richard Marc. It was then beautifully mixed and mastered by Josh Fielden.
Photographer: Thomas Oscar Miles // Cover Design: Richard Sanderson
The song, unsurprisingly, uses the story of The Loneliest Whale as a metaphor for the loneliness that can often come with being autistic. This whale calls at a frequency much higher than other whales (it’s believed to be a hybrid) and while other whales can hear it they can’t understand it; they can’t communicate. That was something that I desperately related to, both before and after I was diagnosed as autistic. I’ve always felt like I’m on a different, more difficult to access frequency, so I’ve had this story in the back of my mind for a really, really long time.
When I sat down to start writing songs for this project, I knew this was a story that I wanted to write a song about. Although I knew the story well, I wanted to make sure I had all of my facts right and so I started researching. But what I didn’t expect to find was just how many individuals and communities also related to this whale, how many people have made art about this whale… I was so inspired. I’d expected the song to be a lonely, melancholy one but this changed the emotional direction: the loneliness and isolation is still there but there’s also hope. It’s a much more uplifting song than I’d ever imagined it would be.
The one obvious source of research that I avoided was Joshua Zeman’s documentary, The Loneliest Whale: The Search for 52. It was a documentary that I was really excited to see but I knew that, if they did find the whale during the documentary, I would never be able to write the song I was so inspired to write. So I decided that I’d watch it after the song was finished and then, if there was anything I wanted to change about the song, I could but I could also leave it as it was.
The documentary is great and I highly recommend it (although major trigger warnings for gruesome scenes of whaling – I’m not convinced that that level of blood and violence was necessary to make the point but that’s just my personal opinion): it manages to perfectly balance the story and mythology of the whale with the physical search and all of the science involved. And while they didn’t find the whale, they do manage to record two separate whale calls at this same frequency, close together but far enough apart that they had to belong to two separate whales. So there are two of them: two 52Hz whales. The Loneliest Whale no longer needs to be lonely. I was so moved by this discovery: just as the whale is no longer lonely, neither am I.
I am so excited to finally have this song out in the world. As I said, it is one of my favourite songs I’ve ever written and I think it’s the song that I’ve had most people reach out to me about, after playing it live or sharing snippets of it here and there. It seems to really resonate with people and that is so, so special. At the heart of it all, that’s what I want for my music; all I want is for people to feel seen and heard and understood when they listen to it.
Finding Hope 