Posted on March 13, 2021
As of today, I have been self isolating for a whole year. 365 days. In that time, I’ve probably left the house no more than twenty times: for one morning of work (that had to be done out while the rest I’ve been able to do from home), for medical appointments, for swimming/hydrotherapy. And a haircut (when my Trichotillomania was particularly bad) during a period when it was considered safe to have one. But other than that, as a vulnerable person, I’ve stayed home. I worked out the numbers and that means I’ve spent 95% of the last year in my house. I look at that number and it kind of blows my mind. I’ve always been a homebody but this is so not the same thing.
So, to acknowledge the occasion, I thought I’d make a post about it. I thought about doing a list of good things and bad things, but given that the year has been dominated by the pandemic, that just felt wrong. Like, in general, it feels like the bad things carry so much more weight; a list like that just didn’t feel like an appropriate way to look at the last year. So, instead I thought I’d make a list of some of the things I’ve learned this year. There have been so many new experiences, new approaches to everyday tasks, new thoughts, new emotions, and so on. So I thought that might be a better way of looking at things. I doubt I’ll remember everything but I’ll give it a go.
As I said, I’m sure there are more things that I’ve learned during this time but I think that these are all of the big ones, the big, personal ones. I’m included in the group currently being vaccinated (although I’ve yet to hear anything) so maybe I will be heading out a little more often once that happens, if only to get some more exercise. But to be honest, given how this last year has affected my mental health, I don’t think I’m going to be exactly quick to adjust to the idea that things are somewhat safer (the government certainly seems to think so, what with their plan to come out of lockdown). As desperate as I am to see my friends and family again and get back to swimming again, I don’t think I’m going to feel safe again for a long time: as I said, I don’t cope well with change.
Category: about me, anxiety, autism, body image, covid-19 pandemic, diagnosis, emotions, life lessons, mental health, music, therapy, treatment, trichotillomania, university Tagged: adjustment, asd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic, autistic adult, change, community, coronavirus, covid-19, covid-19 vaccine, diagnoses, diagnosis, essential workers, family, fear, friends, friendship, frontline workers, grateful, gratitude, hand sanitiser, health, helping, independent artist, learning, lessons, lessons learned, lockdown, mental health, mental health in lockdown, multiple diagnoses, online classes, online learning, online study, online therapy, online university, pandemic, pandemic 2020, planning, remote therapy, remote writing session, routine, self isolating, sensory, society, structure, swimming, therapy, uncertainty, unity, unsigned artist, vaccine
Posted on August 11, 2018
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how things change with time, how emotions change with time.
When I was nineteen, someone really important to me abandoned me without a word. I was already really struggling and it was completely devastating. For days afterwards, I just sat numbly in front of the TV with the volume up so loud that I couldn’t think. I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t feel so heartbroken. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever recover.
That was four years ago.
For a long time, that experience defined me. I wrote songs about it. I talked about it in therapy. It was part of every decision I made. It was the lens through which I saw the world. But slowly, it had less and less of a hold on me and then, about two years after everything fell apart, I realised that I’d completely let it go. That was amazing and so freeing.
And so I went on with my life, feeling lighter than I had in years. I felt like it had been taking up space in my body and with that gone, I had so much more space to engage and create and just live. I even got a little bit of closure (something I’d never really believed in as a concept): we met and talked and it was oddly satisfying to find that there wasn’t a good reason behind it – I’d never been able to think of one. So it was messy and intense but worth it. I didn’t need that experience to let it go but it was very satisfying to finally have all the pieces.
A couple of days ago, I realised that I hadn’t thought about it in months. I’d almost forgotten it had happened. That was a shock. And an epiphany.
It’s an oft-repeated saying that time heals everything and it always irritated the hell out of me, especially when I was a teenager. Everything felt (and still feels) so intense – every experience, every emotion – and I couldn’t imagine a time when it wouldn’t. But over time, I’ve watched the cycle of emotions play out and that’s been a revelation.
It seems that there are some things that you just have to learn for yourself and no amount of being told by someone else is the same as experiencing it first hand. And you have to live long enough for that cycle of emotion to actually take place. It’s only now that I can look back and truly know that time is the only thing that can lessen the intensity of those feelings (although it’s not unlikely that I’ll deny this the next time I’m overwhelmed with similar emotions). Every stage – from holding on to it, to letting it go, to really moving on – was a new experience and it was all ridiculously intense. But now I’m free of it, which is such an achievement. I had a lot of help but that’s something that I did and I’m really proud of that. For a long time, I needed to feel it and needed to hold onto it to make sense of it. But now I’m done. There are bigger, more important things in my life, good and bad.
Posted on September 30, 2017
Yesterday, I turned 23. That feels very strange to write and even stranger to say out loud. For some reason, 22 to 23 feels like a bigger jump than 21 to 22. I don’t know why. It just does. And so I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about this last year and the next one. A lot has happened, good and bad. So here is a post about what I learnt this year, what I learnt while I was 22.
1. You do get over things you never thought you would – I learned this last year but I really learned it this year. Last summer, I received a piece of news that felt pretty devastating but now, a year later, I seem to have adjusted to it. It’s strange how our emotions, how our brains work on things in the background. I didn’t do anything to work through this issue (it felt too upsetting to even talk about); I just slowly got used to it.
2. If you don’t ask, you don’t get – This doesn’t really need an explanation but I have learned to be a bit more forward this year. I’ve always hated asking for things and I still do but I am learning to do it. And sometimes, amazing things happen.
3. Sometimes things come full circle – I never really believed in closure. In my experience, things just end, leaving jagged edges. But this year, I got the opportunity to talk to someone who had really hurt me and ask her why she did what she did. It was a stressful and upsetting experience in itself but I am glad it happened. I had already let go of what happened but I appreciate the full stop on the whole thing.
4. Remember to tell your friends you really love them – A lot has happened in the last year, a lot of emotional ups and downs, and my friends have always been there for me. I’m so, so grateful for that.
5. You can let go of something without forgiving the perpetrator – I’ve always struggled with the idea of forgiveness because it just feels like I’m saying that whatever they did is okay when it isn’t. But I’ve learnt this year that you don’t have to forgive to let go. You can just leave it where it is and move on. I don’t know how I did it but it’s nice to know that it’s possible.
6. Procrastination reinforces procrastination – I learned in therapy that every time I put something off, I was making that habit stronger and therefore making it harder for myself. I learned that, even if I only did five minutes on whatever I was avoiding, I was breaking that pattern and that really helped with my motivation, regardless of the task. Plus, that was five minutes more than I would’ve done otherwise.
7. Crying in public is not that big of a deal – I have now cried in public so many times that I just don’t care. It doesn’t matter. There are more important things to worry about.
8. Having an item of clothing that makes you feel like you can conquer the world is really worth having – A couple of months ago I bought a pair of boots that kind of changed my life. It sounds silly but when I wear them, I feel like a superhero. I stand up straighter, I carry my body differently, and I feel better about myself. I wish I’d found them sooner.
9. Trust your feelings but also give them time to settle – I can tell if something is right or not because of how it feels. But having said that, I feel things so strongly that sometimes I need to sit with them for a bit, especially if whatever has caused those emotions was a shock. It’s like flood waters going down: it’s all about survival when they’re high but once they recede, I can figure out what the new normal is.
10. Find something that makes you feel like you’re making a difference – I’ve started volunteering for Autism research projects which has not only been pretty fun (I got to see my own brain waves!) but has helped me process my diagnosis of ASD. I still struggle with it and struggle with what it means for my life but being able to use it in a positive way has improved that.
Oh, and you don’t play ‘22’ by Taylor Swift as much as you think you will.
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD (Inattentive Type), and Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), as well as several mental health issues.
I’m a singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is on all platforms, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
My debut EP, Honest, is available on all platforms, with a limited physical run at Resident Music in Brighton.
I’m currently working on an album about my experiences as an autistic woman.