Talking About Self Harm

Self harm (also described as self injury) is still a topic that people struggle with. That’s understandable. It’s a hard thing to think about. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. So, since it’s Self Injury Awareness Day, I thought I would write down some of things that I’ve learned, things I’ve found useful, things that I wish other people had known during my ‘self harm journey…’ So, without further ado, here are some dos and don’ts for talking about self harm, from my experience at least…

DOs

  • Try to stay calm – Simply put, don’t freak out and say something you might regret. It’s a hard thing to find out about anyone, let alone someone you really care about. You’re allowed to feel your feelings but try to control any outbursts of upset or frustration.
  • Ask – If you don’t know what to say, ask them. It’s okay not to know and asking, ‘how can I help you?’ or ‘what response do you want/need to hear?’ is better than anxious rambling or silence.
  • Offer what you can – Even if it’s only being a person to call, assure the person that you are there for them and that you will support them through whatever it is they’re going through. But don’t make promises you can’t keep by overcommitting.
  • Remember that it’s not about you – A person doesn’t self harm because their parents nag or because their friend said they couldn’t hang out. Yes, negative interactions and experiences can trigger it but a person wouldn’t do it if there wasn’t something really serious going on internally. It’s not about you, it’s about them and what they’re going through.

DON’Ts

  • Grab the area that’s injured or scarred and demand an explanation – A confrontational or accusing attitude won’t help either of you and it’s NOT okay to touch someone without their consent even if you think you’re trying to help. Try to stay calm, and allow them to direct the conversation if possible.
  • Judge – Unless you’ve struggled with self harm, you can’t know what it’s like. That’s okay. You’re not expected to understand it but that doesn’t mean you can’t be compassionate and supportive. Try to keep an open mind while having these conversations.
  • Simply ask them to give it up – If it were that simple, no one would self harm. If someone is hurting themselves – going against their body’s survival instinct – there’s something seriously intense going on and so just stopping isn’t possible. And that inability to stop can turn into a lot of guilt and self blame so it’s a sensitive subject in itself.
  • Ask them to give up for you – I know it can seem like positive motivation (and maybe it works for some people) but it actually just creates more pressure and more pressure is exactly what they don’t need right at that moment. I’m not an expert but from my own experience, pressure leads to feeling even more guilty and all the negative emotion just builds and builds and makes the whole thing worse.

I hope these things have been helpful and I’d love to know what else you would add to this. Awareness and understanding are so important and every conversation matters. And if you’re someone that struggles with self harm, I hope you remember that you’re doing the best you can. Obviously everyone wants you to be in a place where you don’t feel you need self harm but that’s a really big thing. It’s not a place you can necessarily get to over night but every day that you get through – every hard moment – is a success, however you get through it. It’s a process and whatever speed you travel through it is okay. Living is hard. You’re doing fine.

More information here.

World Autism Awareness Week 2018

World Autism Awareness Week is here! This is a week that is dedicated to raising money and awareness around Autism and since I started this blog in August of last year, this is my first WAAW as a blogger. I wanted to do something a bit different to the usual programming so, this week, I’m going to post something Autism related every day. Hopefully these will be interesting and insightful for both those with Autism and those without. Let me know if there’s anything specific that you’d be interested in reading. I might not be able to manage it for this week but it’ll definitely go on the list to be written and posted soon!

For those of you who don’t know much about Autism, I thought I’d do a brief summary to ease you into the week.

Autism is classified as a developmental difficulty that affects how someone perceives the world and how they interact with others. It’s a spectrum condition so while all autistic people share areas of difficulty, they affect people in different ways and so Autism can have varying presentations; one person may dislike being touched and avoid eye contact while another may appear very sociable but be incredibly over sensitive to light and sound. Another may have both or neither. The first thing I was told after my diagnosis was that each autistic person is the expert in their own Autism because no one else can know it as we do. Every presentation is different.

One of the common analogies for Autism compares brains to the operating systems on computers. If every one else is a PC, autistic people are Macs; each system is sensitive to different things, programmes that are designed to do the same things look and run slightly differently, icons and folders are in different places, even the keyboards are different. This isn’t something you can change; as far as I know, you can’t reformat a human being… There’s no cure but then it’s not an illness. Having said that, a person can learn how to manage the difficulties of their own presentation over time, which can make them easier and less stressful to deal with. Some may need more support than others, especially if they have additional needs like a learning disability or mental health issue, both common with Autism. We still don’t know what causes it (although we do know it isn’t vaccines) but research is being done and currently shows that there are many factors at play, including genetics, the development of the brain, and the environment.

As previously mentioned, there are specific areas of in Autism that people struggle with to varying degrees:

Struggling with social communication is the most well known difficulty in Autism. Some autistic people may not speak at all or may have limited speech; some have excellent language skills. Many find it hard to understand jokes and sarcasm, interpret facial expressions and tone of voice, and make sense of abstract or figurative language. These things can make a conversation confusing and overwhelming, and many autistic people need time out after socialising to recharge. When the expectations in a conversation seem unclear or the emotions of others hard to understand, an autistic person may talk at length about themselves or something they’re interested in because these are things they know and feel confident talking about. Rather than being insensitive or rude, it’s very often an attempt to connect with others while navigating a very complicated situation. It often feels like everyone else has read a rulebook on life that you were never given which can feel very isolating.

Change can be very difficult for someone with Autism; the world can feel very confusing and unpredictable and so many autistic people prefer to have strict routines to control that anxiety. This can mean eating the same food over and over again or adhering to a specific timetable throughout the day. When there’s a change in plans, an autistic person may need time beforehand to adjust their thinking. Rules are also important and they can feel difficult or even impossible to break away from, even if someone in authority has said it’s okay.

Another of the better-known characteristics of Autism is that an autistic person may have a very intense interest that is apparent from a young age. Sometimes they change but sometimes they’re life long, anything from a particular instrument to the mechanics of aeroplanes. Of course, a person without Autism can be very interested in these things but it’s the intensity that’s different: an autistic person may find it difficult to think or talk about anything else and may pursue it to the exclusion of everything else. These interests are vital to the autistic person’s happiness and wellbeing and so it can be massively helpful if that interest can be channelled into a related job, area of study, or hobby.

Many people with Autism have difficulty processing their environment and can quickly become overwhelmed by light, colour, smells, and so on. Personally, I particularly struggle when I’m surrounded by people: there’s too much information to potentially take in, from their names to favourite foods to the films they hate. Experiences like this can cause severe anxiety and coping with that anxiety can manifest in lots of different ways. Some people chew their nails, some have panic attacks, and some display behaviours like rocking or banging their head against something; these repetitive, familiar actions can help to shut out the stressful stimuli and keep that person calm.

It’s also important to note that there can be dramatic differences between men with Autism and women with Autism. The statistics have always said that there are more men with Autism but it’s starting to become apparent that it is massively under or misdiagnosed (as anxiety or Bipolar) in women because they often present in ways that are very different to what is commonly regarded as Autism. They may seem to socialise effortlessly and show no disruptive behaviour but this seems to be because women are somehow able to mimic ‘normal’ behaviour; plus there is still significant societal pressure on women to be polite and to avoid causing a fuss or drawing any negative attention, which has most probably contributed to this. Instead they commonly experience serious anxiety in social situations, struggle with overwhelmingly strong emotions, and their focussed interests may be things that girls and women would already be interested in, such as a TV series or a hobby like make up or reading, which means they’re not automatically recognised as a sign of Autism.

I intended for this to be a short post but, again, it’s become quite long. Whoops. So with that said, I will leave you with some useful links and The National Autistic Society’s video for this year’s National Autism Awareness Week and Too Much Information campaign. Funny story: I actually applied and then auditioned to be in this film. I didn’t get it (obviously) but it was a really awesome experience and I would definitely love to work with them on another project in the future.

They described the idea to me during the audition and it’s turned out so well. I can definitely relate to the experience depicted.

Useful Links:

I also recommend checking out any local Autism charities, support networks (Facebook is a good place to look – type in the name of your town and ‘autism’), and services. These can make a really big difference in the day-to-day life of an autistic person.

See you all tomorrow!

Eye Contact

A while back, I found a really good article on The Mighty about Autism and eye contact. As someone with Autism, this is something I really struggle with and something that makes socialising very stressful. People mistake it for rudeness when it’s often a coping strategy, a way to make the situation more manageable. It’s something that seems effortless for everyone else while I feel like I didn’t get the rulebook.

For me, eye contact is a multi-faceted issue.

The simplest part of it is that I simply don’t know which eye to look at. Especially when I’m standing close to someone, I don’t know where I’m supposed to look. That makes me very self-conscious and distracts me from what the other person is saying.

I also feel like I’m really on the spot, that I have to answer immediately if I’m making eye contact. I get very anxious in social situations because I feel like I can’t process quickly enough to keep up with the conversation so looking away gives me time to react and think and then respond.

Then there’s the feeling of it being too confrontational. I find confrontation very, very stressful because of feeling like I can’t process what’s happening fast enough. And that’s without all the emotions associated with such a situation, another thing that makes processing difficult. So anything that feels remotely confrontational is something I shy away from.

The biggest part of it is that it feels so, so personal. When I’m looking into someone’s eyes, I feel like they can see what I’m thinking and feeling and that’s terrifying. I feel so exposed and so vulnerable. It makes me feel panicked and so it just feels safer not to make eye contact.

The act of looking someone in the eye takes up a lot of my energy and concentration. It’s exhausting and overwhelming. I can’t think and so I can’t engage in the conversation. Just because I’m not looking at you, doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention. I am. In fact, I’m more focussed.

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