Posted on May 29, 2021
Trigger Warning: frequent mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and suicidal behaviour. If this is something that you will find triggering or upsetting, please don’t read ahead. Please always put your mental health first.
Given that it’s Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Awareness Month, I felt I should write at least one post about BPD, although one is all I have time for at the moment, what with my uni workload. This is one of the videos I watched pretty early on after my BPD diagnosis and it really, really helped me. It’s such a good, informative video, completely free of the stigma that is often attached to this diagnosis.
I really recommend watching the whole thing but I want to talk about some of the points Claudia makes, as well as adding some of my own thoughts.
Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is a type of personality disorder, a type of mental health problem where your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause you longstanding problems in your life, that impact your life daily. Struggling with how you think and feel about yourself and others – and that causing problems in your life – can lead to an investigation into whether you might have BPD. Having said this, many clinicians are reluctant to diagnose it as there is such stigma attached to it, with many in the health sector seeing those diagnosed with BPD as ‘difficult’ and ‘attention seeking’ (x). Personally, I have been told on numerous occasions that I should consider abandoning the diagnosis to avoid negative assumptions from doctors, a suggestion I find deeply offensive and have ignored. It explains things about me that I can’t otherwise explain and I’m not going to give that up because of other people’s ignorance.
Considering how many misunderstandings and how much stigma there is around BPD, Claudia uses the framework of the diagnostic criteria, as detailed by the Mind website (as of 2016, although the diagnostic criteria listed has not changed), to describe the symptoms of BPD and how she experiences them.
Fear of Abandonment
I definitely relate to this. I’ve had several people abandon me, intentionally or not, and so I have serious anxiety about people leaving me.
I also relate to this, although my fear usually stems from feeling like a burden and that one day, the people in my life will feel like I’m just too much of a burden and walk away.
On Feeling Emotions Strongly
I most definitely have very strong emotions, sometimes overwhelmingly so.
This is very true for me too. My emotions tend to be at the extreme ends of the scale with very little middle ground.
It can be scary and as Claudia says, exhausting, to have such big emotions that ricochet around inside you, changing every time they collide with something. If that makes sense. When they’re so big and they change so quickly and dramatically that it’s like the ground is constantly rocking until your feet; nothing feels stable or reliable.
On Having Unstable Sense of Self
I really relate to this, to feeling empty, to feeling like I don’t truly know who I am. I know little things, that my favourite chocolate is milk chocolate and that thunderstorms make me feel alive. But the answers to the big questions about myself continue to elude me: Am I a good person or a selfish person? What do I really think about this issue or that issue? Am I actually good at the things I think I’m good at? What are my strengths? My weaknesses? It’s very confusing.
I can definitely understand taking the best of our favourite people or fictional characters and building an identity and personality using those traits. I’ve absolutely done it. When I was younger, I would accidentally take on the whole person with both the traits helpful and unhelpful to me; I’d end up making decisions that weren’t what I wanted at all but were what the person I was emulating would do, which got me into some complicated situations. But now that I’m older and I understand that this is something I do, sometimes unintentionally, I’m better able to use it to strengthen me, rather than completely change me.
On Finding It Hard to Make and Keep Stable Relationships
This definitely resonates with me. Romantic relationships scare the crap out of me. The only relationship I’d consider significant was late in my teens, before I had my diagnoses of BPD (as well as ASD, depression, anxiety, etc) and it ended very traumatically. While that will always be on the other person, I did really struggle throughout the time we knew each other, especially with the big emotions and fear of abandonment curtesy of the BPD, as well as the social difficulties of ASD. And with no explanation for why I operated that way, it was probably doomed from the start. Still, the other person didn’t need to be such a cruel, manipulative human being…
I really relate to what she says about relationships being complicated because of how much you care. I’ve been devastated by the ending of friendships, relationships, etc and that does make maintaining relationships of any type very stressful at times: the idea of saying or doing the wrong thing and that damaging the relationship irreparably (even relationships that, in theory, aren’t so fragile that one mistake would ruin them) is terrifying and that in itself can lead to making bad decisions, saying or doing things, etc that aren’t true to who you are, that could damage the relationship. If that makes any sense.
I also relate to what she says about not being great at continuous contact. For me at least, I think it’s about exhaustion: communication is so loaded and requires so much energy, social energy, emotional energy, etc. Sometimes it all just becomes too much and I have to retreat for a while to recover.
This is definitely a trait of mine. If you’re a friend once, you’re a friend forever (barring a serious falling out). It’s one of the things that I find very confusing in other people: when they don’t feel the same way about friendships. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
On Acting Impulsively
I don’t consider myself a particularly impulsive person. In fact, I’ve always been terrified of not being in control of myself or making thoughtless decision. That’s probably partly why I’m such an overthinker.
On Suicidal Thoughts and Self Harming Behaviour
I’ve been meaning to write a post about being passively suicidal for ages; I just haven’t had the time that I would want to dedicate to it, given how important it is. But I’ve definitely experienced this and continue to have phases of feeling this way, some that last for days and some that last for months.
The ‘no emotional skin’ leapt out at me immediately. I really relate to that. Sometimes everything is just so overwhelming and painful; it can all feel like just too much to cope with, to survive, to live a life that isn’t unbearably painful.
I’ve self harmed on and off since I was about thirteen. To be honest, I never really thought about it as self harm – not for a long time at least: I didn’t think of it as harm myself because that wasn’t the primary motivation for doing it. I did it (and sometimes still do it) when I got so overwhelmed, so full of feeling that I had to get it out of me. I didn’t know how I would survive if I didn’t do it; it was a coping mechanism, like a pressure valve that helped me regulate the intensity of my emotions. I’m obviously aware now that it is self harm but after much discussion with my therapist, we’re not worried about it on it’s own. If it’s a coping mechanism (and one that I use relatively rarely), then the best use of our time is working on helping me to regulate my emotions so I don’t need to do it rather than stop me from using the only coping mechanism I currently have.
Feeling Empty and Lonely A Lot of the Time
I can absolutely understand the feeling of emptiness; I relate to it a lot. Sometimes I wonder if the emotions in me and around me are just so big and so overwhelming that that part of my brain just shuts down to keep me from being constantly overwhelmed, to keep all the fuses in my brain from blowing. Maybe empty is safe. I don’t know. But ‘feeling empty’ is definitely something that resonates with me.
‘Everything is too much for me and yet it’s simultaneously never enough for me’ is a phrase that could sum up my relationship with my emotions. My emotions are so big that they’re overwhelming but they also don’t feel quite enough. I can’t really explain it; I don’t know if there are words for it. It’s so deeply emotional that I’m not sure it would translate. I guess it’s kind of like sucking in so much air you feel sick but none of it is actually getting to your lungs. Maybe? I think that’s the best analogy I’ve got. Right now, at least.
Getting Angry and Struggling to Control Anger
I don’t often get angry. I don’t think I ever even felt angry until I was twenty. I always just jumped straight to sad. So anger is a strange and confusing emotion for me. I only ever really let it out when in the midst of an autistic meltdown. As I’ve already talked about, I have a lot of fear around saying or doing the wrong thing and the chances of that happening, in the heat of an angry moment, make that a lot more likely to happen. Plus I really hate confrontation. I can do it but I hate it.
Paranoia, Psychotic Experiences, or Feeling Numb When Anxious
Fortunately, I’ve never experienced a psychotic episode and hopefully my mental health never reaches that point. They sound incredibly scary and I feel for anyone who has them.
I’ve definitely experienced periods of feeling like I’m not really here or like I’m really far away from everything and everyone, separated by something intangible but powerful. I’ve struggled to believe that I’m real and that the world is real. It’s confusing and difficult and lonely. I usually only experience it when I’m deeply depressed but it does appear on other occasions.
She talks about the stigma similarly to the way I described it at the top of this post but says that she wanted to share her experience with it in the hopes that it will help people and lessen that stigma. She also talks about the impact that her mental illness has had on her life: she’s studying for a degree at home because that’s the path most conducive to her mental health and that’s something she’s proud of because she’s still working to achieve the things she wants to achieve, even if she has to go about it in a less than traditional way.
“I really am working on structuring my life now; like how some people structure healthy eating in their lives and they think about what they’re gonna eat in their diet, I think about myself emotionally and giving myself time and all these kind of weird emotional things that I have to think about, like that. But yeah, having my diagnosis was a huge weight off my shoulders because it feels real and you feel very validated… And like I said, some people don’t like a diagnosis and that’s fine. That’s up to them but for me, it felt validating and I’m not ashamed of it. At all.”
Many of the things I’ve talked about personally are very much inline with Quiet BPD, a less well known presentation of the disorder – sometimes people don’t initially believe me when I say I have BPD because I don’t fit neatly into the classic presentation. I read about it before my diagnosis and after investigating it with my psychiatrist, it’s always been accepted that this is the form that my BPD takes. I really want to write a longer, more personal piece on BPD and on my experience of Quiet BPD but I just haven’t got the time at the moment, being in the home stretch of my Masters. It’s also something that I feel is so important to get right and I just haven’t felt like I’ve been in the right space to do it justice. But these days I do feel more confident in my experience and, maybe when the stress of the Masters is over, I’ll feel able to write that post.
Category: about me, anxiety, bpd, depression, diagnosis, emotions, favourites, identity, mental health, quotes, response, self harm, suicide, therapy, video Tagged: actuallyborderline, actuallybpd, borderline personality disorder, borderline personality disorder awareness month, bpd, bpd awareness month, claudia boleyn, emotionally unstable personality disorder, living with bpd, quiet borderline, quiet bpd, youtube video
Posted on April 20, 2019
EDIT: Since writing this post, I’ve learned a lot about the language around mental health and I no longer think that the word ‘obsession’ is necessarily a helpful one. I think something like ‘subject of intense interest’ or ‘specialised interest,’ not dissimilar to language used when describing ‘special interests’ in Autism. Having said that, I’m reluctant to change the language in this post because it’s the language that Claudia uses and because I think it’s potentially important to leave the post in its original form. Also, the negative connotations of the word ‘obsession’ are potentially relevant in the context of BPD as it’s a condition that can have unhealthy (a word often linked to obsession) and damaging behaviours for both the person living with it and the people who surround them (and I say this as someone who struggles with BPD).
I’ve written about Claudia Boleyn’s videos before but this is another great one that I think really clearly explains something that happens with Borderline Personality Disorder (also becoming known as Emotional Intensity Disorder) and various other mental health problems. I really recommend watching it.
In this video, Claudia talks about how, when you’re struggling with your mental health, you can develop obsessions with certain things, particularly fandom related things: fictional characters, books, TV shows, etc. These special interests can overlap with autistic special interests but they can also come about as a coping mechanism; they can become an escape from the difficulties of the real world.
She talks about how she can categorise her life by her obsessions, including Emmerdale and Anne Boleyn and certain areas of art history. She talks in particular about her obsession with Anne Boleyn, how it strengthens her and gets her through the really tough times. She even uses Boleyn as a surname: “I use it to exist in the world.” She talks about how she uses this obsession and others to understand herself. All of this makes those obsessions really special and important. I can definitely relate to this. My life can be divided up by my obsessions: animals but particularly horses – I obsessively read the Animal Ark and Saddle Club book series – Harry Potter, crime dramas, Taylor Swift, certain youtubers, anything superhero related…
“My identity and my life is sort of filled up with the stories of other people rather than stories of my own.”
With BPD, there’s the extra layer of struggling with your identity and your sense of self. Claudia talks about how she would go to school dressed as her favourite characters and how a teacher once asked her, ‘When will you come to school dressed as yourself?’ But that’s really hard when you don’t know who you are. I’ve always found it very easy to lose myself in fandoms or characters because I don’t know who I am to begin with and I’ve had a couple of experiences where I’ve done things I didn’t actually want to do because I thought that’s what a character would do, i.e. what I should do to embody those good characteristics.
“I’ve never felt like I have a proper identity in myself so I’ve sort of constructed one in a way based on what I admire and what I want to be and what will make me as good a person as I can be and what will make me contribute to the world but it’s really tough.”
It can be a good, helpful strategy – until it starts to dictate your emotional state.
“I think this isn’t spoken about enough with BPD, especially because we can struggle with identity and who we are and what sort of people we are. I think we often construct ourselves based around fiction and around those characters we admire and I think it matters a lot to us. It feels like it becomes a part of our identity in a way, so when it goes wrong, it feels like we’re falling apart. Yeah, it’s difficult.”
Another problem in BPD is that of regulating your emotions. Small things – day to day things – can have massive impacts on your mood. It can be exhausting and stressful to go through such ups and downs and it’s constant; there’s a lot of fear and uncertainty involved. So escaping into an obsession or fandom can be helpful and soothing but then, when something goes wrong in or around that fandom, for example, it can cause really negative emotions because your escape, your safe place, has been threatened. It might seem extreme from the outside but it’s very real and personal if you’re going through it.
I really relate to this video and I’m really grateful to Claudia for putting it out into the world. We need to talk about all parts of living with mental health, not just the relatively straightforward ones.
Category: emotions, favourites, identity, mental health, quotes, video Tagged: actuallybpd, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, claudia boleyn, coping mechanism, eid, emotional intensity disorder, emotional regulation disorder, emotionally unstable personality disorder, obsessions, special interests, youtube, youtube video, youtuber
Posted on October 1, 2018
Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of articles and blog posts about unplugging from technology and practising being present and living in the ‘real world.’ I’m not anti doing this. If you think it’s healthier for you to spend less time on social media and have or are taking the steps to do that, then that’s great. Figuring out ways to take care of yourself is always a positive thing. But I find it so irritating when people act as though social media is the enemy of mental health and self care because it’s just not that simple. It has its flaws, of course, but I think its value to those struggling with difficulties like depression and anxiety and so on (there are obviously more but these are the ones I feel qualified to talk about) can get overlooked. It allows us to connect in the middle of something that is incredibly isolating and that is invaluable. It can be life saving.
These are some of the accounts that bring me joy or help me when I’m struggling…
Matt Haig – While I did struggle a bit with ‘Reasons To Stay Alive,’ I really respect Matt Haig and love his presence online. His posts range from moving to funny to encouraging. This is one that particularly spoke to me:
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This is Eldon Square shopping centre in Newcastle. In 1999, while I was still trying to claw back from a breakdown, I cried in this shopping centre. Panic and despair had swarmed me and the brace face I had tried to keep for Andrea that day had slipped. People could see me crying. A 24 year old strong young man, crying in a shopping centre. I was convinced I'd never get better. Never make it to 25. Well, I am now 42 and I just did an event at a packed out Waterstones across the road from here. I am the future I never believed in. A fiction that couldn't happen. And yet I did. It is amazing what can happen simply by living.
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Behindthescars_ – I’ve written a post about Behind The Scars, a photography project set up by Sophie Mayanne (you can find that post here). Seeing people be their authentic selves and find new strength is really amazing and inspiring.
JuniperFoxx – As a kid, I LOVED animals and I daydreamed about having a pet fox so I absolutely love this account. It makes my day to see a new photo or video of these gorgeous creatures.
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Laura Greenway – Laura is an incredible artist and I feel very lucky to call her a friend. She makes beautiful, thought provoking pieces to raise awareness and reduce stigma around mental illness. I love pretty much everything she makes but this one is a particular favourite and I was so sad not to experience it first hand:
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Really really hard to get a good photo of this, it’s more of a piece that you need to see in person, but today I installed my newest piece of work entitled ‘Baggage’ as part of my current residency at THAT Gallery Basingstoke! A little different from my usual, this piece employs the audience as the performer, encouraging you to walk amongst the 80 tags that hang from the ceiling and be surrounded by my own thoughts. The piece explores intrusive thoughts, and features a variety of day to day intrusions that I suffer with. A huge thank you to my amazing art team @mattglenart and @corvidaecrochet who helped for the best part of 4 and a half hours to install this piece. #art #artist #artwork #contemporaryperformance #fineart #modernart #contemporaryart #conceptualart #performanceart #mentalhealthart #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #intrusivethoughts #automaticwriting #textart #writing #contemporaryartist #ocd #liveart #installationart #artistresidency #thatgallery #basingstoke
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Petroom – While this account isn’t at all deep or meaningful, it makes me smile and even laugh on a daily basis. Sometimes we need thoughtful advice or inspiring messages and sometimes we need cute animals with funny captions.
Anna Akana – I’ve talked about Anna’s videos before (here and here) but I had to include her in this post. Her videos are beautifully crafted and incredibly succinct in their messages, many of them about mental health with real, usable advice. I also love her sense of humour and the short skits where she plays all the characters.
DudeBabe – Lauren is one of my favourite people on YouTube at the moment. Her videos are raw and honest and she posts almost every day, about her life and her experiences with an eating disorder. Food is a daily struggle for me so I find her videos really helpful but mostly I’m just really inspired by her openness.
This video is my favourite: it gives me hope that, one day maybe, I can have this sort of positive, freeing experience with my mental health.
(EDIT: I wrote this blog post before Claire Wineland died and although that doesn’t change whether or not I’d include her in this list, it added a weight to this post that I never expected when I started writing it. And what I wrote about her, it was true then and it’s true now. I just wanted (and needed) to acknowledge all of this.)
Claire Wineland – I’ve talked about Claire before (here) and introduced her channel (here) but I couldn’t not include her on this list of helpful and inspiring social media accounts. She speaks so eloquently about some really tough stuff and she always inspires me to be a better person, to be a positive force in the world.
Lucy Moon – Lucy is a vlogger and makes all kinds of videos, from fashion and make up to food to chats about therapy (that is a particularly good video). She also does an ongoing series of videos called 168 Hours, where she documents a week in one video. I find all of her videos really calming to watch. There’s something very reassuring about the way she talks.
Claudia Boleyn – I’ve watched a lot of YouTube videos about BPD and Claudia’s are my favourite by miles. I’ve talked about her videos before (here) and there are others that deserve their own posts because she describes it all so, so well. She’s thoughtful and eloquent and her videos mean so much to me: for the first time, I didn’t feel alone in this.
Haley Pham – I found Haley through her dance videos. I absolutely adore her dancing; I find it so calming. If I could have her dance for one of my music videos, I absolutely would. One day maybe. She’s also completely hilarious.
This post was deceptively hard to write. When writing about other people and their work, I get really anxious that I’m not doing a good enough job, if that makes sense. I love all of these people and want to reflect all the good they do – I’m scared I’ll do them a disservice. So I hope I did an okay job and that you guys have enjoyed this. Are there any social media accounts you think I should check out?
Tomorrow, I’m heading back to my university for an event about social media and mental health, which I’m really excited to be a part of. Maybe I’ll write a blog post about it…
Category: favourites, mental health, response, video Tagged: anna akana, art, behind the scars, borderline personality disorder, bpd, claire wineland, claudia boleyn, dudebabe, eating disorder, hair pulling, haley pham, instagram, juniper the fox, laura greenway, lauren kaech, lucy moon, matt haig, mental health awareness, mental health blog, mental health blogger, mental health blogging, mental health in the media, mental illness, mental wellness, petroom, rebecca brown, self care, social media, sophie mayanne, trichjournal, trichotillomania, trichotillomania awareness, vlogger, youtube, youtuber
Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as several mental health issues. I’m a singersongwriter (and currently studying for a Masters in songwriting) so I’ll probably write a bit about that too.
My first single, ‘Invisible,’ is now available on iTunes and Spotify, with all proceeds going to Young Minds.
I’m currently releasing my first EP, Honest, track by track and all five songs are now available on all major music platforms. However, there’s still more content to come…