Posted on December 23, 2024
A while back, my poetry group did a workshop based on the theme of ‘cosmic horror’ and I had, of course, signed up because I sign up to every workshop. The materials we discuss are always fascinating, the discussions are so much fun, and the poems everyone writes are incredible. I didn’t know what cosmic horror was but I’d been to workshops I’d known little about before and ended up writing poems I was really proud of. Still, I felt like I should do some research since I didn’t know what ‘cosmic horror’ actually was…
I spent several hours googling and searching on different social media platforms – sometimes I find someone describing something in layman’s terms easier to understand – but I wasn’t finding an explanation that really made it click for me. Then I came across this post on Tumblr…


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Reading this, I almost threw up because it explained a feeling I’ve had for as long as I can remember: that the world is horrifying and overwhelming and that living in it is all but unbearable. I don’t know when the pieces clicked together, what it was I learned that triggered that realisation but it’s one that I have never been able to forget even though I have no idea what the root of it is; every day it’s a battle not to be overwhelmed by it. I have never been able to articulate it but I feel like the ant described here. I’m full of emotions I can’t comprehend but can’t forget. I feel like I can’t be a ‘normal’ person ever again because once you learn what the world is really like, you can’t unlearn it. I feel ‘mad’ in the way this post describes. I feel like this ant, screaming and convulsing until it kills me. I’ve never seen or heard anything that comes so close to describing how I feel at the core of who I am as a human being. I can’t tell whether it’s more validating or triggering.
I don’t know how accurate this is as a definition or explanation of cosmic horror but it resonated with me so shockingly that I still feel rattled by it. The poetry workshop was excellent, as usual, and the poems written by the group really blew me away. I didn’t feel able to get that far into the subject matter – all of these feelings were still too raw – but I think I still managed to write some interesting pieces. I’d like to finish them at some point or take them in a different direction if the cosmic horror theme still feels too much.
It’s interesting to me that I found this just as I’ve started somatic therapy sessions, given that somatic therapy is about releasing the trauma you’re carrying in your body, knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t know where this terror of the unknowable, these existential fears, came from but maybe my body does and maybe this therapy will help because I don’t know how much longer I can carry this; an ant can only scream and convulse for so long before it dies.
Category: about me, anxiety, death, depression, emotions, mental health, quotes, therapy, writing Tagged: anxiety, cosmic horror, depression, eldritch madness, fear, mental health, mental illness, poetry, poetry group, somatic therapy, therapy, trauma, traumatised, trigger, triggered, tumblr
Posted on October 14, 2024
Yes, my World Mental Health Day post is late but – somewhat ironically perhaps – my mental health has been so bad recently that, on World Mental Health Day itself, I couldn’t actually get out of bed or engage with anyone or anything. But I did want to share some thoughts about this day before we leave it too far behind…
I’ve been struggling with the themes for World Mental Health Day for several years now and this year turned out to be no different. When it was announced that the theme was to be ‘Mental Health in the Workplace,’ I could barely suppress an eye roll. It is, of course, a valid cause: anyone struggling with their mental health should be able to go to a designated person or department and get whatever support they need. But, if I’m honest, I feel like this is something that should already be in place, something that should fall under the Equality Act. I also can’t help thinking that mental health support in the workplace isn’t an area that an awareness day can actually create change around: that’s on each individual workplace. So, on a societal level, it requires very little work (and, in my opinion, nothing is likely to change – as cynical as that sounds).
And this brings me to my ever-growing frustration with World Mental Health Day: it feels increasingly performative. The themes and call to action are vague at best and, at this point, the day itself is just lacking inspiration and innovation. As far as I can tell, there’s no campaign, very little effort to fundraise, and – honestly – I wouldn’t even know it was happening if I didn’t have these days noted in my planner. Then the day comes around and it’s all empty, performative platitudes on social media before everyone forgets again. Cynical, I know, but that is my experience of World Mental Health Day every single year.
I also feel the need to point out that this year’s theme feels, at least, somewhat ableist: there is a massive group of people who are unable or who have never been able to work due to mental ill health and this theme excludes them without a second thought. The irony of this would be laughable if it wasn’t so depressing, considering how desperate the UK government is to force disabled and mentally ill people into the workforce – regardless of the damage it will do to this group of people. This callous, single-minded approach strikes terror in the hearts of every single person I know who is part of this community. This is an area where a focussed, passionate campaign from The Mental Health Foundation could actually do some good. Time and money and effort put into improving the mental health services and support systems, and therefore the mental health of those not currently able to work, would allow so many people to work, whether it be after time off or for the very first time.
Before we go any further, I do just want to note that, personally, I think that our current capitalist model of work is abusive and exploitative and damaging and that there are so many other systems that would benefit both the individual and the industry they work in but, for the sake of the theme and this post, we’ll continue on the basis that it isn’t as horrific as it is (otherwise I will literally spiral into a pit of despair).
The point I’m making here is that I don’t know anyone who’s been unable to work due to mental ill health, whether that’s for short or long periods of time, who doesn’t want to contribute in some way, whether that’s to a specific workplace or industry, to society as a whole, or simply to the needs of their family and community. The number of people on benefits who don’t feel any inclination to work or who are faking in order to get benefits is a lot smaller than we were brainwashed – by The Conservative Party – to believe. I fully believe that human beings want to help and create and contribute and, if the mental health services were better and allowed more people to access support, more people would be doing those exact things.
But, of course, helping those with life-altering mental health struggles is a lot harder and requires a lot more time and effort and money and, at my most cynical, I feel like these areas are being avoided by organisations like The Mental Health Foundation because they require a lot of all of those things. Real change requires more than downloadable social media graphics and tweeting clichés.
I’m tired of the performances, of the empty promises. Maybe it’s my autistic, black and white thinking but I just don’t understand why improving the mental health services isn’t a priority since ANY improvement would make a significant difference. This seems to be the most obvious, most efficient solution, even if it isn’t the fastest. Especially, as I said, ANY improvement would create positive change. And the more work that goes into these services, the more people they can help and, therefore, the more people there will be returning to the workplace (given that that seems to be the government’s ultimate priority, whereas mine is simply that more people are able to access support and hopefully improve their mental health, maybe even recover from certain mental illnesses). I’m sure it comes down to money – because it always does, doesn’t it? – but this seems like such an obvious solution with such clear long term benefits. I just don’t understand and I’m tired of workplaces, healthcare professionals, organisations, and government caring so little about such a big group of people that they are responsible for.
And because this has been a very cynical and depressing post, here is a picture of my dog – we all know how good animals are for our mental health, even if only for a momentary boost…

Category: animals, autism, event, mental health, response, treatment Tagged: ableism, call for action, change, discrimination, employment, mental health, mental health in the workplace, mental health services, mental illness, the mental health foundation, uk government, unemployment, world mental health day, world mental health day 2024
Posted on April 1, 2024
TW: Discussions of self harm.
Yes, I know I’m late and that Self Harm Awareness Month was March but my recent post (about the disastrous ending of my therapy sessions) took up so much time and energy and emotion that I just didn’t have the space to write anything else and certainly not in time for the end of March. But I did post this as part of my recent foray into TikTok and I thought it summed up my journey pretty well so it seemed fitting to share it here…







It was a moving experience to see so many people sharing such vulnerable stories but I think the experiences posted likely skewed towards: all of the stories that I saw ended positively, with the individual celebrating being clean of self harm for however long. And that’s great, don’t get me wrong; it’s amazing to see people share how hard they’ve worked to move forward, to process and heal and recover. But I think it’s often the case that those who are still struggling don’t feel able to share due to judgement or comparison to those ‘further down the road’ or because their stories aren’t traditional ones. I don’t consider mine exactly traditional and I think that’s because my self harm use has mostly been due to my Autism and my difficulty regulating my emotions. So I think it’s important to share that experience, as well as the fact that I don’t know what it will look like in the future and how that is a frightening concept.
I don’t have the answers and, in this season of my life, I don’t have any poignant, wise words either. I’m just taking it day by day because even a single day can feel overwhelming right now.
Category: about me, anxiety, autism, depression, emotions, mental health, self harm Tagged: adhd, asd, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, audhd, autism, autism spectrum disorder, complex post traumatic stress disorder, content warning, coping mechanism, cptsd, depression, mental health, mental illness, self harm, self harm awareness, self harm awareness month, self harm awareness month 2024, self injury, self injury awareness, tiktok, trauma, trd, treatment resistant depression, trigger, trigger warning, tw

Hi! I’m Lauren Alex Hooper. Welcome to my little blog! I write about living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, OCD, CPTSD, depression, and anxiety, as well as other health issues including hEDS and POTS.
I’m an alt-pop singer-songwriter (it’s my biggest special interest and I have both a BA and MA in songwriting) and my most recent EP, Too Much And Not Enough, Vol. 1, is available on all music platforms and is the first in the series of works based on my experiences as an autistic person.
Finding Hope